This makes me smile.

From the movie The Proposal. There's this whole scene after the hilarious naked scene, where they are heading to bed for the night... and it's incredibly personal, Margaret shares a bunch about her personal life with Andrew... and they are all sorts of giggly.

I find that to be one of the most heartwarming scenes in the entire movie.

That is all.

Side note: I really need to stop watching romantic movies before I go to bed.

You'll Never Know

This song was on Big Love this past week, towards the end in the background and on the credits. Of course, once I heard it, I had to find it.  This song was sung in 1943, and this particular version by a lady named Vera Lynn. It was very popular, sung right in the middle of WWII as there were many women missing their men, and sending their love and prayers across the miles. 

For your listening pleasure, and again, simply beautiful and timeless music and lyrics...

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW

You'll never know just how much I miss you,
You'll never know just how much I care...
And if I tried, I still couldn't hide my love for you,
You ought to know, for haven't I told you so,
A million or more times?

You went away and my heart went with you,
I speak your name in my every prayer.
If there is some other way to prove that I love you
I swear I don't know how...
You'll never know if you don't know now.

You went away and my heart went with you,
I speak your name in my every prayer.
If there is some other way to prove that I love you,
I swear I don't know how...
You'll never know if you don't know now.

To Make You Feel My Love...

I just felt like this song was so beautiful that I had to share. I've heard the Garth Brooks version, but I stumbled across this version thanks to my Pandora account. I listened to the words again, and then again... This is the kind of love I've got to share with the world...

Bob Dylan wrote this song, but this version is sung by an Irish artist, Mick McAuley. I very much like the simple strumming of the guitar with this, and his voice is so smooth. It's the type of song that I'll listen to as part of my "sleepy time" playlist. Surely this voice, the guitar strumming and these words would inspire many nights of pleasant dreams.

Enjoy...

When the rain is blowing in your face,
and the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
to make you feel my love


----

rumi; wise sage

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” -Rumi


After watching "Valentine's Day" today with the kids, I heard one Rumi quote and decided that I needed to go read some more of his writing. As it turns out, I'm quite impressed with a lot of what I read. It also goes to show you that good advice stands the test of time. He wrote the above over 700 years ago. 


So it had me thinking. What are my barriers to love? 


In a general sense, I don't think I have many. When it gets closer to the heart on an individual basis, I'd say that I probably have to bring out the sledgehammer and start dropping walls. 


I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day. A guy that I went on a few dates with, nothing serious, and remained casual friends/acquaintances, was talking to me about relationships while we were catching up. We talked about our current lives and kids and the entire conversation was fairly lighthearted, then he switched gears. 


He told me that he knew that I wasn't really looking for a major relationship when he met me, because I did express that to him, but that he thinks that he held back a larger part of himself because he didn't want to seem to smother me with affection. He's a really nice guy, but honestly, there's a fairly larger age difference than I would like and I just didn't "feel" a deeper connection- or the potential for one. 


Then he asked about some of the people in my life now, and asked me point blank how I felt about each of them. When he asked me about one person, my eyes softened when he asked me, "Do you love him?" 


He caught it, and I'm not sure who was more surprised, him or me, that the words, "Yes, I do love him" tumbled out of my mouth with such speed and assurance. 


I'm not the sappy type, I guess, but that marked a first for me. Admitting it to someone else. 


Of course, that knocked down a pretty large and significant barrier within me. I was forced to admit just how much he actually means to me. And forced to live with that realization. So here it is, I do love him. Maybe one day, he'll love me in return again. Until then, I'm kind of happy just with the realization itself.

Little Life Lesson

I've been sick this week. In my congestion, I figured that the icy hot stick in my medicine cabinet could double as a vicks vaporub stand in.
The answer here is NO.
I now have a rash on my chest where I rubbed the icy hot.

Lesson learned.

Artwork

A piece of my art, that has me wishing for spring!

Odd dream/spiritual experience.

Last night I had a dream that really threw me for a loop. I'm not sure if it's in a good way, or in a bad way just yet.

I was me, but in two ways - one as an active participant in the dream itself and also then again as an observer.

In the dream, I met an adorable 9 month old baby boy with bright blue eyes. He was given to me. Yes, given to me. In the dream, someone physically gave him to me. The odd part about this, was that I also knew he was mine.  I was able to have full conversations with this nine month old (mental conversations) where he was speaking to me without speaking to my observer self, while the active participant self carried on about her day with him. I hope this makes sense to someone.

I was being told all about him. Things he liked, things he didn't. But what struck me most was that he had a name that he was most definite about. Thomas Aiden. Then, he told me that I would understand the significance later. That he was the proof that I was right.

When I started to try and put more pieces together about why he was mine- when I was explaining that I was very much done having children and had no plans for more- and funnier than that, no "baby daddy" on the horizon, his response was very clear. "You're not in charge".

I woke up in a cold sweat.

I spent the better part of the morning trying to shrug it off on the fact that I re-read the Breaking Dawn novel yesterday, in which Bella does conceive and deliver a child. Then I thought maybe it was also because a friend and myself were discussing our children last night before bed as well, so I had kids on the brain.

This afternoon I left the house for a while because I just couldn't stand to be at home alone with my thoughts and needed a distraction. But no matter what, all day long, I couldn't shake the image of this blue eyed cutie-pie in my head. Here it is, nearly 24 hours later and I'm afraid to fall asleep for fear I'm going to get more of his story. I'm afraid the dream is going to repeat and I'll be incapacitated in thought for another day.

I don't know what's scarier, actually enjoying seeing him or being told point blank, "You're not in charge". For little Miss Planny-McPlannerson, that didn't quite go over so well.

I even went so far as to look up his name meanings online, figured maybe it would help me understand something. Thomas means "twin", Aiden means "fire/flame".

While I understand the significance of the name, I'm still baffled by the idea of the child itself.

I should add that I'm freaked out slightly more because before I had Madelyn, years and years ago, I met her in a dream before I even became pregnant with her. The dreams continued through most of the pregnancy, on and off, and I knew what she was going to look like, and that she'd be a girl, before she was born. Of course, she was three in most of the dreams I had of her, and used to laugh a lot. She actually looked just like I knew she would when she was three. Her laugh was the same too...

I don't know what this means, and it could very possibly mean nothing. But, I'm still freaking out. The only "good" news is that I don't know how old I was in the dream. Maybe it was just a dream. Maybe.

For now, I'm sticking to my "I'm not planning on having any more children" mantra. I can be in charge of that just plenty.

Brown Eyed Girl Olive Oil Soaps from Lady Luna Luxuries!

On the drying rack, smelling delightful! Brown eyed girl has the scent of chestnuts and brown sugar.
Each bar is made with olive oil, water, sodium hydroxide and fragrance. The pure olive oil base leaves skin feeling ultra soft and moisturized.
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Pamper yourself. You deserve it!

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Whatcha got to lose?

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer's always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."

I'm in an emotional war with myself. Trusting or believing in something that has emotional value for me tends to be difficult for me. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've hurt before, or if it's because despite my stature, I have issues with confrontation. I'm a peacemaker. A lover, not a fighter...

There's nothing to fight about and no one really to fight with, but I feel sometimes like maybe the reasons I haven't found what I'm looking for in life are because sometimes I don't take that next step to truly go after something. When it comes to business decisions, I have no problem applying the above quote. When it comes to emotional decisions, I freeze.

I've had a few thoughts lately about changing the way I react to some situations. Instead of being sweet and polite, I'm going to just let a comment rip without thinking about it. Instead of bottling up my emotions, I'm going to find the strength to face them and be open about them. I can't drive myself crazy sitting here in neutral. It's time that I throw my emotional self into gear, drop the pedal to the floor and let those wild horses run free. It's only then that my scenery is going to change.

It's interesting how some people come into your life and make such an impact without them even knowing how deeply they've touched your soul. I am grateful for that. I am. I try to show people close to me that they make a difference in my life. I hope I convey that well enough.

My ex-husband once accused me of being an "emotional ice queen". It's really not true. I've got this river of emotional lava running through me fast and hot. Little known facts: I cry at sappy movies, I love with all I've got, I keep my passions about life and love close to my heart. I don't like to cry in front of people.

I'm not an ice queen, I'm just very adept at putting up walls around me when I feel like I'm going to be hurt. I'm great at putting walls up just because I think I have the potential to be hurt. I'm going to change that this year.

I'm not complaining. Not at all. I feel so "emo" for writing the above. Next on the agenda, I'll be wearing skinny jeans and buying black nail polish and lipgloss at Halloween Express. Ha. Like they even HAVE skinny jeans for curvy girls. What a hoot.

Back from the gym

I took it easy today, and only did two miles on the treadmill, followed by a half-hearted attempt at abdominal work. I just didn't want to over-do it and then not want to go back. Next time, three miles. I also promised myself to find the yoga DVD that's packed away in a box and actually stretch it out tonight. I called my girlfriend Rhonda to see if she had anything I could use.

Food-wise, I'm going to cut back on some of my carb intake, and increase my protein and leafy greens. More fresh fruits/veggies, less bread and noodles. Which means, basically, that helushki for me is going to be off limits, unless I primarily eat only the cabbage and skip on the noodle pieces.

I weighed myself too. Gah. Let's just say I have 51 lbs to lose to get to my target weight.

Even though I had guessed about 50 lbs, I was sad to realize that it was quite the reality. Now, for the execution of the plan to drop this dead weight.

All I can think about is how cute I'm going to look rocking out that pair of jeans that I love so much... it's a motivator. I'm contemplating hanging them on the wall behind my bedroom door. I need to find myself a workout buddy too, I'm incredibly self motivated, but I know that on days I'm feeling lazy, depressed or pre-menstrual, I probably won't want to do anything but lay around- and I need a buddy who will deliver a swift kick in the ass on those days.

That's all for now. Time for me to do my daily housework dash, in my sneakers... I think that some of this should count as aerobic exercise.

Even Online Shopping Gets Me Down

Julia Childs Complex

I watched the movie Julie/Julia and I had to chuckle a little bit when Julia Childs mentions that she likes shopping for food in Paris better than dress shopping, simply because there's no store that carries her size anyway.

I'm not ridiculously obese, by any means, but I'm a tall girl with an overly ample chest size and about average size in the waist and hips. For me, clothes shopping can often be ridiculously frustrating. I love dresses, but can't find many that will accommodate my large breasts, and often times, I'm pretty much stuck to a v-neck to have it look remotely flattering.

I've only wanted a breast reduction since these things grew in, when I was about 16. They've served me well, and served my babies well, but now, they're fairly obsolete in the usage department.

As I crammed on three sports bras this morning to layer for enough "hold", I realized that I'm so tired of always having a sore back & sore shoulders- and I really wish that I could afford the breast reduction.

Plastic Surgery?

I'm really not the type of girl who likes needles, much less the thought of being sliced open, but in the past few years, I've tried to keep my eyes open for opportunities to sign up for TV shows or something that would allow me to get this surgery done without being financially in the hole. I've had insurance look at it before, and of course, they denied it- I would have had a substantial co-pay that I wouldn't be able to afford.

So maybe this is the year. After I lose the weight in my 50 day challenge, I think it's time to talk to someone about a marketing opportunity. I have enough tools in my own toolbox to make a deal with a plastic surgery office. For one, I'm extremely experienced in SEO - so I could always offer some of my services in exchange for some of theirs. I've been a marketing girl for long enough that I would and could offer myself up on the marketing table as well, in return for being placed upon the surgery table.

Surely there's an experienced doctor out there who needs website work or a marketing plan that goes beyond the typical "get yourself bathing suit ready" campaign.

Vanity

I'm not even ashamed to admit it. I like to look good. But what's so frustrating, was that I spent an entire hour and a half on Modcloth.com looking at really adorable dresses and I knew that the majority of those, I wouldn't be able to fit in, thanks to the twins. I have this fascination with all things 1940s, but a lot of the necklines that cut across the collarbone aren't flattering to a chesty woman.

I'm not saying I would expect to NOT have boobs, I would probably enjoy being a full C or even D cup. At the moment, I'm topping out at the DDD/F area. If some were to measure, I'm scared I might even meet up with Mama G.

I guess the next thing is to just keep working out and talk to people and see if this can be a reality rather than a dream. I'm so tired of carrying these girls around. Beyond the obvious weight of them, once I lose weight, it garners me even more of the attention I don't wish to seek. With the weight on, I still get it, but once I'm in shape again, it's worse- which is another reason I think I have allowed myself to put on the weight- I can stop some of the crass comments or men hitting on me. A subconscious sabotage to my own health for reasons of not being pursued so directly.

That sounds lame, but it's really something worth thinking about. It's not the only reason, but it sure is one of them.

Well, off to the gym. The treadmill and I are going to finally meet each other and I'm off to listen to Pandora while walking along- the snow has subsided enough that I can get out of my house.

At tax time, I may very well invest in a treadmill of my own again. I lost the last one I had in a storage unit fire.

A Fifty Day Challenge

I've had it. It's time to change.

I'm issuing myself a 50 day Challenge. I'm going to actively try to get myself back in shape in the next 50 days. I'm going to work out in SOME fashion each day, resting only on Sundays.

I'll document it here, since I also mentioned working more on writing... and that kind of kills two birds with one stone.

The last time I committed myself to a project like this, was about 5 years ago. I ended up changing my life so dramatically that I was in better shape than I was when I was in high school.

With my separation, divorce, moves, children, job stresses and financial stresses, I have let myself go a bit. I think it was all too much for me to keep up with my exercise routine. But now, things are changing a bit. It's just time for me to be a little more healthy. I know, because of my past experience, that even the little changes can make a big difference.

So, challenge issued. Tomorrow, my happy rear end has a date with Pandora, my new headphones and the treadmill. :) Then I'm going to dig out my Yoga DVDs and get myself on a schedule. It tones and relaxes at the same time...

What's my biggest motivation? The first weekend in March is when I get to see many of my friends in Nashville again for the first time in a long time. I've got a couple pairs of jeans that I'd really love to wear... and some new dresses that I'd like to look my best in.

Vanity? Absolutely. It's one of my easiest forms of motivation. I want to look good this year. Drop, dead gorgeous...I know I'll feel great and look great. I can't wait. :)

The biggest part of any weight loss plan is drinking plenty of water and getting a decent amount of rest. So, on that note, I'm signin' off and heading to bed. :)

I'm not so tough

Everyone seems to think I'm strong

Because that's what I seem to be

But the truth is on the inside

there's a frightened little me

I spend my days and nights

praying someone will come along

Asked God to help me through

the Darkest moments I ever knew

I'm not that strong

I'm not so tough

Behind my smile

I hide so much

I hurt too, I feel the pain

I cry at night
Tears on my pillowcase

I need you to hold me

Promise me I'll be alright

I'm not that strong

The left side of my bed has never been so appealing

You're laying there, asleep, rhythmically breathing

The warmth of your skin warms my sheets and my heart

If I had it my way, we'd never sleep apart...

Whenever you leave me, your scent lingers behind

In my pillows and blankets, it's comfort I find

Till you're home again and holding me tight

Wrapped up in your love, morning, noon and night

What the hell...

I figured I'd go ahead and just see what kind of creativity I could spew at the moment.

Do you know who I am?

The words scream from my soul

Will you hurt me again?

I've really got to know

Do I give you my heart?

Even thought it's already yours

When we lay down at night

And pillow talk

Walls come down with the switch of the light

We pillow talk

I never stopped caring

I truly love you

I've processed it all

I've felt like a fool

I've hurt worse than ever

I've missed you like hell

Don't hurt me, you said

And I replied with the same

I told you I loved you

then you held me tight

Kissed me on the forehead

and whispered Goodnight

The familiar ding of your phone

Broke through the silence

I saw her name across the screen

Silently, I began to scream

I reached down deep, closed my eyes

Guarded myself for potential lies

Grounded my emotions

I won't cry today

I have no hold on you

So what's left to say?

Maybe a little too honest?

A lot of my friends know that I enjoy writing poetry and song lyrics. Truthfully, I haven't done nearly as much as I used to of either lately. I haven't been "in the mood" to write things down. I've always got words swirling around in my head, or lines to a chorus or poem that I think up, but haven't felt much for writing it down lately.

I ran into someone I had known a few years ago, and he asked me if I was "doing much writing". When I responded "no, not really", he looked shocked and said, "Well, why the hell not?"

I think I said something along the lines of "I just haven't really made the time lately, and I've been busy with the kids", which is a complete cop-out.

His reply was, "Well, you're good and you should keep it up, make a little time to do more of it." After exchanging a few more kind words and changing the subject, I couldn't help but think about the actual conversation over and over again. Then, I started to think about my reasoning for not writing all that much lately.

The real, honest answer, after hours of thoughtful soul searching?

I just don't want to be hurt again. I write from my soul and most often, it's unabashedly personal to whatever is in the corner of my mind at the time. Last year, I really had some major losses, hurts, and one knock out blow to my sensitivity. I took some time away from being that "open" about my thoughts. I took time away from being "me" publicly, and stuck with comments about the news and weather.

The real, honest answer is that I didn't write because I didn't want to expose my already bleeding soul. I needed time to heal myself before I could ready and steady myself for being open to others again.

Am I better? No.

Am I better now than I was then? Yes.

I've learned what parts of me I'm not willing to share at this time. Truthfully, I should take the time and write things in private for only my consumption, but even that- the method of taking a pen to paper and making my thought process a reality in ink... for me, is still too personal and finite.

So that's why there hasn't been a whole lot from me, creatively, in these past few months. Maybe it's a little too honest to post? Maybe it's just the amount of honest I need to be sharing.

Time heals all wounds, right? Well for me, so do words. It may be time to get back on the creative writing horsey.

Moments of Uncontrollable Emotion

I'm a tough cookie. At least, I think I am, most of the time.

After the movie last night, I ended up in a conversation about my marriage/divorce and I realized that I definitely have more to work through with some of the pain that's still lingering there. On a day to day basis, I'm fine. I feel like I've moved past a lot of it. In fact, I've been a sounding board to friends about their emotions... and I realized tonight that maybe I'm still not back to normal. Maybe I'm not over all the emotions I've so carefully jarred and shelved.

What is normal anyway?

Some days it's just tough to be me. The juggling of responsibilities weighs heavily on my mind. For instance, it's a Saturday, and I should be sleeping... but instead I'm awake and contemplating life at 6:30am.

Another friend of mine seems to be avoiding me more than usual. It's almost as if every opportunity to avoid one on one conversation with me is being put in place. I think part of it is because we have things to talk about, and I don't think it's a subject that we're ready to broach entirely as of yet, while we're still testing the waters. Still, it's somewhat painful at times. We both had hurt feelings. Sigh. What can ya do.

The combination of all of this has me awake and unable to fall back asleep. Then I started thinking about the laundry to do, so I started a load... and I'm hoping if I stare at this keyboard for a little bit, I'll tire my eyes out enough to sleep for maybe another hour or so- before the kids get up.

I think I'll try now...

Love. Live & Learn.

I was praying/journaling last night (yes, with actual pen and paper) and came to this conclusion about love.

All the times that I seem to have thought that I was in love, I think that I had part of the equation right, but not the entire thing. It was close. Some closer than others. I started flipping through the bible to one of my favorite verses, 1 Corinthians 4-7.. The one that most everyone knows about love:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And here's what I thought: The times I have loved, I have been patient, and kind. I rarely get jealous, I don't often flaunt it and I'm usually blissfully happy. In addition, I tend to follow this whole verse nearly verbatim. I'm not the jealous type, I understand misunderstandings, I'm one of the best protectors that there is on this earth and I'm full of hope and endurance.

Now, the next few lines are what had me...

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

This part made the most sense to me. I've been promised things, I've had dreams about relationships, been led around like a bunny with a carrot on a string in some instances for way too long. Sometimes, the NOT knowing where things are headed within a relationship is probably for the best. I feel this sort of love in some friendships of mine. For instance, my friend Jessica, who I've known since I was 14. We have this sort of love. No matter what we go through in life, we love each other and support each other. There's no pretense of promises, only a show of support when it's needed, a smile or a laugh when we get together, conversations that can get very deep and spiritual... That's the kind of love that's really working in my life right now. I have other friendships where it's very similar to that now as well, that I've developed as an adult.

Love isn't gender specific, and I'm thankful that while I'm waiting for God to send me the man to enhance my life, I can recognize the love I have with my friends and family. It's enduring.

I believe that love is a powerful force in this world. I see it very clearly, but at the same time, there's much yet to be revealed to me. So for now, I know in part... and I pray that I will see it fully.

Live and learn. Live and learn. Live and learn.

I've always had faith, hope and love. It's true that the most powerful and greatest of these is love. With love, all things are possible.

Go tell someone you love them today. Tell them they're appreciated, tell them you really enjoy having them in your life. It doesn't have to be a romantic type of love, just tell someone that is special to you exactly why they light up your life. Pass on the love in your life, it's multiplied when we share it with others.

With a little help from our friends...

Please comment, post and share... we'd like to help Shanna get her song in the movie Breaking Dawn.

Happy New Year!

The Christmas Trip

As I mentioned in my previous post, I spent the holidays in Fort Lauderdale, FL with my family. It was the first time we've had a full family Christmas in a few years. It was great too because the kids had the opportunity to spend time with their dad as well as his side of the extended family for the holidays.

My parents renewed their vows as well- after nearly 34 years of marriage, in a family ceremony on the beach.

Good Times with Old (and New) Friends

The day after Christmas, as a general rule, my high school alma mater holds their annual alumni Christmas party. It was absolutely wonderful to see so many people that I hadn't seen in such a long time. I always enjoy that party and try to make it whenever possible.

As the week went on, it was fantastic to be able to have the chance to laugh and sing and get to know some people better. It was great to end up in deep conversations with some new friends and openly speak about some of my own dreams and intentions. It was also refreshing to hear that I wasn't alone in a lot of my desires for my life. Surprisingly, I heard similar thought processes from a man.

The week was a lot of fun, spending time with family and friends. I have a new love for the game "Catch Phrase". I forgot how much I really enjoyed being social.

The Drive

The one major part of the trip to Florida, is the drive there- and the drive back. It's about 17 hours. Four kids in the car for 17 hours, as well as sitting and driving that long alone takes a lot out of a girl. It would take a lot out of anyone, I guess. I haven't had to do that kind of driving for a long time. I wanted to be back home for New Year's. So I made it in finally around 5am on New Year's Eve- and definitely needed my rest.

Thoughts for The New Year

Many people make resolutions. Most of those fall flat. I'd like to set goals. My goals are to eat a little healthier in the new year and get back to the healthy me that I have been before. To spend more time enjoying my children while they are young and focus on family time as much as I can. To continue developing this soap and candle business with my mother because it's something I really enjoy making. I'd also like to spend more time with friends who are important in my life. The people who make me a priority, not an option. The people who value me for what I have to offer in this world, who enhance me and encourage me to be the best that I can be.

Change your conversation and change your outcome, right? This year I plan to continue to attract positivity into my life and dispel negativity. I will continue to encourage my spiritual growth, continue to encourage my creative growth and consciously try to keep all options open for the positivity to manifest itself into my life.

The Big 33

I turn 33 in about a month. This year holds special meaning for me, because I see it as a year of "transformation". Just as a caterpillar turns to a butterfly, that's how I view this upcoming year. My season is changing. As someone with Christian beliefs, I also recognize the biblical implications of the number 33. Jesus died on the cross for us when he was 33. He transformed at this age, from walking with us as a man, to fulfilling a prophecy, dying and coming back to life. His resurrection is surely the greatest transformation one could imagine.

So this year, I plan on a physical and spiritual resurrection of sorts. I feel that for me, in the past several years, I have come through many obstacles and I feel that I am ready to do what I can to be a stronger person this year to help others. That will be part of my change. Mostly, I'm open to being surprised to new or unplanned happinesses. I'm looking forward and not looking back. Life is good and this year, I intend on riding that "good" train the entire way through.

I hope and pray that you all have a wonderful 2011 as well.