Love. Live & Learn.

I was praying/journaling last night (yes, with actual pen and paper) and came to this conclusion about love.

All the times that I seem to have thought that I was in love, I think that I had part of the equation right, but not the entire thing. It was close. Some closer than others. I started flipping through the bible to one of my favorite verses, 1 Corinthians 4-7.. The one that most everyone knows about love:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And here's what I thought: The times I have loved, I have been patient, and kind. I rarely get jealous, I don't often flaunt it and I'm usually blissfully happy. In addition, I tend to follow this whole verse nearly verbatim. I'm not the jealous type, I understand misunderstandings, I'm one of the best protectors that there is on this earth and I'm full of hope and endurance.

Now, the next few lines are what had me...

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

This part made the most sense to me. I've been promised things, I've had dreams about relationships, been led around like a bunny with a carrot on a string in some instances for way too long. Sometimes, the NOT knowing where things are headed within a relationship is probably for the best. I feel this sort of love in some friendships of mine. For instance, my friend Jessica, who I've known since I was 14. We have this sort of love. No matter what we go through in life, we love each other and support each other. There's no pretense of promises, only a show of support when it's needed, a smile or a laugh when we get together, conversations that can get very deep and spiritual... That's the kind of love that's really working in my life right now. I have other friendships where it's very similar to that now as well, that I've developed as an adult.

Love isn't gender specific, and I'm thankful that while I'm waiting for God to send me the man to enhance my life, I can recognize the love I have with my friends and family. It's enduring.

I believe that love is a powerful force in this world. I see it very clearly, but at the same time, there's much yet to be revealed to me. So for now, I know in part... and I pray that I will see it fully.

Live and learn. Live and learn. Live and learn.

I've always had faith, hope and love. It's true that the most powerful and greatest of these is love. With love, all things are possible.

Go tell someone you love them today. Tell them they're appreciated, tell them you really enjoy having them in your life. It doesn't have to be a romantic type of love, just tell someone that is special to you exactly why they light up your life. Pass on the love in your life, it's multiplied when we share it with others.

Nashville Trip, Part One.

I promised to write about my Nashville trip and I am going to do it, right now. I don't want to leave out any details, or anything like that. It was so great for me to clear out the storage unit... but moreso to feel so rejuvenated by those friends who really do love me.

The drive...

It was November 1st, my son's ninth birthday. I didn't want to leave until after his birthday was "over" and he was tucked in for the night. So I didn't get on the road until after 10pm, once everything was packed for my trip and I had everything I needed, including cash just in case I broke down somewhere, etc. I had my safety net in place. The kids and sitters were taken care of. It was time.

I got into the car and plugged in my phone. I spent the first three or four hours of the trip on the phone, till I tucked in the last of my friends and got ready to listen to some music for several hours. I had told myself I would be able to stop if I got tired, but with each mile, I just wanted to get to Nashville faster. After all, I could sleep at my friends' places free, but not so on the road.

Coffee, adrenaline and 6 Hour Energy drinks were my friend. I wondered about the stuff in the unit and prayed that my kids pictures would at least be somewhat salvageable. I started taking a mental tally of all the precious things of mine that I had in there. The things my grandparents left to me, including old pictures of them!

I just prayed and reminded myself that there was no way that I could change anything now, so I was just going to let go and wait to see what was left. I was fully prepared for complete devastation.

By morning, I had seen the sun rise shortly after passing through Knoxville. With the time change AND the daylight savings time ending, I gained 2 hours. I took this picture because it just made me smile.... Tennessee mountains and valleys. It just looked like HOME.

Around the same time, I took a picture of me that just explains what a 12 hour drive does to a mom who just went through the past 36 hours with Halloween parades, parties and birthday celebrations.... oh, and no sleep!

I look completely spent...

But it's kind of funny... at least to me.

A very tired, me.

Arriving in Nashville...

As I got closer, I pulled out my phone again and began updating my facebook status. I found out that my friend Dennis was up, and was waiting for me. I would be able to crash there if I felt like I needed to recoup energy.

When I got to Dennis' studio, I was greeted with a big bear hug, and then a wonderful conversation. We talked about God, about helping people, about the universe, crazy dreams and overall spirituality and our love of others... it was so cool. I was tired, but instead of sleeping, I decided to head to the Public Storage unit to see if I could get any access to the unit to cut a day from my trip and see what I was going to have to recruit help-wise.

I went down there, and found the most unhelpful woman possible at the desk. Apparently, since it was an area of investigation still, the fire investigator had to personally check everyone in and out. So, there was no chance I was even going to see the unit. I stared at the outside of the building, which you've seen in prior pictures, and I was so close, but still no closer to knowing what I was going to be dealing with. I just secretly knew that God was testing my patience, and I decided to enjoy the beautiful, sunny day in my favorite city.

I went to my friend Todd's apartment, where I found two women moving furniture out. I was a little confused, because he didn't have women living with him before, and didn't mention it. Todd, who normally is a little on the wild side, was so very sober, subdued and bright eyed. It was such a joy to find him in such a healthy state. He mentioned that he was just trying to get his life in order again. I could not be happier or more excited for my friend. We sat together and chatted, until I got a call that Mark was waiting for me at the restaurant.

Overall, that day was a gift. I was able to see more friends, have a nice lunch (on Mark!). Mark had been in Chattanooga that morning, but when he heard that I was going to be in town, decided to pack up and head north the two hours.

Just so he could see me while I was in town. How sweet is that?

He's a goofball, but he's a damn good friend and extremely talented songwriter.

So, after our lunch, I told him I planned on going downtown and seeing who I could find from my friends who played on Broadway. I had gotten a text message from my friend Greg... aka Fiddler... and he wanted me to come and sing with him and the band at Legends Corner during his set. There was a Titans game that day, so instead of driving in (parking would have been a nightmare), I parked my car up by Losers, and took a cab from Midtown to Broadway.

As I was facebooking my status in the cab, I decided to meet up with my friend EJ down at the Hooters for a couple beers and to watch the game. We sat there and watched the Titans kick the Green Bay Packers butts. They were 8-0 then...there was a huge amount of joy in my heart, as I was sitting there, enjoying my time in Nashville, surrounded by friends and the town that makes my heart jump for joy.

I had promised my friend Fiddler I would show up for his set down at Legends, so EJ and I made it down there to catch the last hour of his show. I got up and sang with them. I sang "When You Say Nothing At All", but truthfully, this is where memory and exhaustion, plus a couple beers are just having the details get muddied. I remember now because I was explaining the chord progression to one of the guys.

Anyway, we went across the street to Crossroads, and I was waiting on Laura to get downtown. My friend Chris showed up too, and I was playing poker and falling asleep. I was convinced that somehow I would get my second wind. I probably looked like a lightweight drunk, but honestly, it was just the craziness of being up for so long. I only had a few beers.

I told EJ I was going to walk around to wait for my friend and see who I knew, because sitting was making me tired. He was playing poker, so I told him I'd see him later. I never saw him again that trip. Ha!

As I was hopping in and out of Tootsies and The Stage, I saw several friends, gave out hugs, and even got some bad news... my friend Loren had recently passed away- two months ago. I want to just point out that Loren was this amazingly talented drummer and all around great guy. He was that kind of person that always had a smile on his face. It was a fluke accident. His brother, Jonathan plays guitar, and the two of them often played sets together on the back stage at Tootsies.

God Bless Loren and his family.

So, I got to see my friends again, and hugged them, shared stories, showed pictures of the kids... and the common question was, when are you coming home to us?

I explained that I would when I could, but I still had some things to take care of, and that I would probably be back the week after Christmas to see everyone again.

Laura called me shortly thereafter, as I was heading back towards Crossroads to find EJ.

I missed my friend! She had just driven back from a work conference in Memphis, so she was tired too! Here is a picture of the tired two of us.

I should mention how we became friends here, because it's fitting. We both dated the same person... not far apart in time span. We both found out he was a jerk. Lying, sneaking around, all around not the man we thought he was. And, in sharing our stories, we bonded. Who knew?

I didn't take many pictures in Nashville, but the ones I do have are precious to me. Laura and I had, together, a wonderful night, and ended up hanging out down on Broadway, walking up to Printers Alley to sing karaoke together, and we ran into so many people that we both knew, that made the night even better.

We ended up at our favorite place, Losers. It was there, we ran into my friend Calvin and his friend Eric. I simply had to fall asleep at this point, after a full night of running around and no sleep, it was time. I knew I had to be up early the next morning to deal with the whole storage unit business. Part of it terrified me, but I was grateful for the day and night of fun with my friends.

Public Storage and the Fire Damage

Here's where this post is going to get ridiculously spiritual. Not religious, mind you, but spiritual.

Remember how I prayed for my kids pictures, and my grandparents collectibles? Well, I get to the Public Storage office first thing in the morning, just as they were opening, in my sneakers, t-shirt and yoga pants... ready to work.

I get checked in by the fire investigator and led upstairs to my unit, where they open the door. The very first thing I see? My grandfather's face, in his navy blues... in the picture that I had framed of his, with a few of his pins and bands and stuff. Just staring back at me, propped on that old chair of my grandparents (the one I gave birth to Madelyn off the side of). I silently praised God, and thanked him... and was led back downstairs so the workers could begin emptying my unit for me.

As they brought things down, there were definitely items with smoke damage, some with water damage, and the funniest melted printer I've ever seen... but overall, I was very, very fortunate. They were bringing down BOXES, where other people's items were coming down in piles of ash with rubbermaid bins.

Things had a thick layer of soot, but for the most part, there was a lot that was salvageable.

I think the most miraculous thing from the trip was that the boxes that held both my pictures from me being a kid, and my children's pictures- their baby books, etc. Were all 100% untouched. The boxes barely had any soot on them at all. No water damage, nothing. That to me, is a God given miracle.

I had been in touch with my friend Billy all day, he was going to come help me by bringing a friend over to help me load what was salvageable but not going to fit in my car, into the smaller unit around the corner. His schedule was running late, and he had a show that night. But here's where I nearly freaked out.

Around 5pm, I had gone through 99% of my things, boxed it all up, hadn't eaten since breakfast with Mark and Allison early that morning... was starving and as it was getting darker, I was waiting on another friend to show up (they didn't). The lady at public storage had to go to another office, so she wanted to lock up the gate. I explained that I had to leave that night and that I just had to take the rest of my things and move them from where they were to the storage unit on the other side. I didn't have a truck and being that I was expecting friends, had loaded my car. I had enough things that I wasn't comfortable leaving behind, sitting there, and the fire investigator was unable to help me, even though he had a truck himself. Unable or unwilling, not sure.

I am told then, that there is a security guard coming on at 6pm who will be there through the night, and that I can gain access to my things with the key he has to the lock. My things will be behind Gate A (where the fire was) and I have to take them from behind Gate A, to the front of the building, then through Gate B (the electronic gate) to the back and the new storage unit. I am assured through Tiffany (the public storage girl) that this won't be a problem and I'll still be able to leave on time, as planned.

I phone Billy, almost shaking with starvation and frustration, because I just left my things outside behind a gate and would have to go back after dark to retrieve them. Billy tells me not to worry, to eat my cheeseburger and he would meet me in the parking lot at Demonbreun with his friend for extra hands.

I inhale the burger and sweet tea, then see Billy and a big smile came across my face... We all go down, caravan style to the storage unit, and talk to the security guy, John, who was really very friendly. He speaks to Tiffany on my phone, who tells him it's ok for me to have access, and when he tries the key... it doesn't fit.

That's right. He didn't have the key to the lock to Gate A. Oh, but it gets better. We were able to hoist 3 boxes over the gate, and we have three boxes on the open side of the street, and figure we can at least get those while he's talking with Tiffany again. We were on a timeframe that didn't leave much time for ineptitude on Public Storage's part. We go over to Gate B, and find that the power grid was shut off. Yeah, no power to Gate B. NO ACCESS to the other units.

This is where Billy kept me from going postal.

I laugh, finally, and say, that if this was God's way of trying to keep me in town one more night, it sure was a pretty clear message. We all laugh, and the guard assures me that he will be there all night and until 9am when the Public Storage lady gets there, so he tells me that my remaining things will be safe. We take the 3 boxes and put them into Billy's truck.

I tell the boys that I'm going to make the arrangements with my sitter, and then meet them at Billy's show at Tin Roof, since I now had a whole evening again.

*** I want to make so many additions to this, but I'm going to post it as a part one, and come back and edit it when I have a chance. I want to make sure that this gets posted... oh, and just so everyone knows... I am so blessed! ***

Life and such

I'm ready to move on in my life...
After the conversation with Jon, realizing he's not going to move forward any time soon- and that he's actually moved backwards- in talking with M again, and entertaining the thought to date her again simply because she can travel with him (that's a dangling carrot for him), I just told him that I wished him happiness and told him good luck.
I realize that even though I had all those lovely thoughts and at one point, he did too... he's not willing to step up. I have to move forward, I have to move on. And I'm ok with that.

I know what I want, so now it's time I asked the universe for it.

I want to be around friends- new, old, doesn't matter- but just good friends- ones that would come over just to hang out, ones that think of you and send you something, ones that you enjoy hanging out with doing silly things like game nights... couples... and I think that's it... I want that couples lifestyle.

I want to be someone's better half. Ha... to spend nights not alone on the couch... someone who likes to go out and do things too... someone who knows what I am all about... someone who I can be myself- and as quirky as I am... and they love me anyway and STILL want to spend their time with me.. and share their life with me.

It's not too much to ask, right?

I find myself feeling a little jealous lately of some of my old friends from high school. I'm happy for them, I guess envious would be a better word... Some of these people grew up together, stayed together, and they have friends that they've known for so many years. They go out together, they spend time at one another's houses... and now, they're starting families. It's interesting to me that here I am at 30... and I have my kids... and I honestly don't know if I could have any more right now. My youngest is 5. The thing is, most men my age would want kids of their own. I don't know if I could give that to anyone.

Argh... I'm just so confused. One moment I'm this strong independent woman, and another there's this desire that's so deep to share my life with someone. To have a life partner to share my life... and that loneliness is sometimes so heart wrenching, I don't know how to feel.

And some of this is more personal than I'm used to sharing on my blogs... any of them. But, in an effort to get what you want in life, I'm leaving it up here.
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I just got interrupted by my second phone call of the day from the same person. It's so random, but it's this guy that I knew in HS. He was a senior when I was a freshman. We were friends then and would talk on occasion. He liked me when I was 14-15. I didn't know then... but he wrote in my freshman year yearbook, the sweetest note, professing his affection. I lost touch with him after he left for college, then the next time we met, I was married and pregnant with my second child. His family owns a hardware store that I used to frequent once I bought my first house. We saw each other on a few occasions, but then I left South Florida in 2001 and have not seen him since. We recently reconnected on Facebook/MySpace and started talking on the phone. As it turns out, he's single - and I am too... and we still have a lot in common.

We've made plans to see each other at Christmastime when I'm down south.

He just called to say "goodnight". He's in the middle of Florida, hunting with his friends, and was turning in for the night in his trailer in the woods. How cute is that?
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I have another friend of mine sending a few texts. He's from Nashville and is a friend of mine from there.

I guess I should feel pretty blessed that I do have people who care about me, even if I do sometimes feel pretty lonely.

It's a pretty cool feeling sometimes to know that some friends stay friends forever. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

When I got laid off (can't believe it's been almost a whole month!), I lost not only a job, but my friends (or at least I should say, "friends"). I am a little disappointed that most of the people I would hang out with haven't extended an invitation to stay in touch. Not like I really can right now, but... the thought that counts, or at least the same kind of interaction online and on Facebook, etc. It's just odd to me to think that I considered these people friends, and I am feeling pretty shunned.

It's not like I know many people up this way, they were like my entire social network. So it's weird for me.
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Phone rang again, it was this guy who lives up here, my karaoke friend... called to ask me out again. He wanted to know when we could get together and probably hit up a karaoke place again. We made plans for Sunday. (he works fridays and saturdays)

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I have so much in my head, but it's after midnight and I'm worn out. Time for me to fall asleep and drift into my own little dreamland... hopefully I can stay there for at least 8 hours!

No idea what to call this rambling...

Forgive my random ramblings today. I'm kind of all over the place...

It's funny how I observe the world around me. Funny in a sense where most of the time, I'm not sure where I fit.

I've almost always been a square peg that's never going to fit in a round hole. I'm just always at a different point in my life than most of my peers, so automatically that makes me feel more of a distance from most.

It's starting to even out a little since the kids are getting bigger.

I don't know, I just feel sometimes like I'm kind of floating along... and I don't really like being without a partner in life... I mean, single life is fun, don't get me wrong... but I have dreams about sharing my life with someone, raising our kids together, etc.

I guess what is more appealing is having someone to do all these fun things with... whether it's coming home and sharing dinner and conversation, shuffling kids back and forth, curling up on the couch to watch a movie together or going out with other couples/having people over... these are some things in my life that I wasn't able to do even when I was still with Frank. We almost never had people over, and almost never went out with other people.

I think, in retrospect, that we just weren't developed enough as adults on our own... we hadn't had adult experiences really... there weren't those developed college friendships/adult work related friendships, etc. We just existed. For years, it was more like a business arrangement than a marriage. We kind of just existed, passing each other on the way down the hall, living separate lives in the same house. It wasn't unfriendly, it was just distant.

Now though, I think about my life and what it entails. I have met great people... I'm up here now in PA, and though most of my friends are currently still in Nashville, I have been up here long enough to meet a few new friends in this area. I have fun when I go out, but I have always been known to do that and be able to meet people easily... it's just that there's a different kind of friendship that I'm looking for.

The majority of the friends that I have here are the ones that you hang out with, just have fun with and you all go your separate ways. What I'm looking for is someone who I can have a deeper connection with. Honestly, a good girlfriend would be great... good friends and a glass of wine.... but I also mean a deeper connection/relationship with a man.

I had that with Jon, I still kind of have that with Jon, but I also feel that it's not going to go further anymore. I don't think he's ready to love again, despite what he says. I guess I've probably known that for a while, and we have no hold on each other, other than the depth of our friendship and the attraction we have for one another. We're not dating; in fact, both of us are actively dating other people...

But I wonder, is that fair to know that there's this man I love, but know that right now and possibly never, it won't work out... and try to invest in another relationship? With Jon I fell so hard, so fast...

Another reason I think I would probably benefit from having a steady relationship with someone again is that I really do enjoy just spending time with one person. I'm not looking for love, but I guess more-so companionship for now- that might turn into love along the way.

And I've had a few great conversations with some of my male friends here in PA... just don't know if anyone ever sees me as "girlfriend potential"... I'm so used to being one of the guys, or just the girl that is fun to hang out with.

I guess it boils down to just one thing, I don't like being lonely.



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My DailyOM for the day:
August 21, 2008
Life As It Is
Making Life Work For You

Sometimes we have so many varying responsibilities in our lives, ranging from work obligations to caring for children to running a household, we feel we cannot possibly make it all work. We may feel overwhelmed in the face of it all, ending each day feeling hopelessly behind schedule. However, regardless of how frustrating this can be, these are the parameters that make up our lives, and we owe it to ourselves to find a way to make it work. Rather than buckling under the pressure of an impossible to-do list, we might take a moment to view the larger perspective.

Like the president of a large organization, we must first realize that we cannot do every job ourselves. The first step to sanity is learning how to delegate some of the responsibility to other people, whether by paying someone to clean our house or trading childcare duties with another parent. In addition, we might find places where we can shift our expectations in ways that make our lives easier. For example, expecting ourselves to create a healthy home-cooked meal every night after a full day of work, errands, or caring for an infant or toddler may be a bit excessive. We might allow ourselves to order in food once in a while without any guilt. Accepting the adjustments needed to make our lives work is an essential ingredient to being at peace with our situation.

At the end of the day, we must come to terms with changing what we can and accepting what we cannot change. Sometimes the laundry piles up, a sick child demands more of our attention than usual, and we temporarily get behind with our schedule. Accepting this momentary state of affairs and trusting in our ability to get back on track when the time is right, we gracefully accept our life as it is, letting go of perfectionism and embracing life as it stands.