Odd dream/spiritual experience.

Last night I had a dream that really threw me for a loop. I'm not sure if it's in a good way, or in a bad way just yet.

I was me, but in two ways - one as an active participant in the dream itself and also then again as an observer.

In the dream, I met an adorable 9 month old baby boy with bright blue eyes. He was given to me. Yes, given to me. In the dream, someone physically gave him to me. The odd part about this, was that I also knew he was mine.  I was able to have full conversations with this nine month old (mental conversations) where he was speaking to me without speaking to my observer self, while the active participant self carried on about her day with him. I hope this makes sense to someone.

I was being told all about him. Things he liked, things he didn't. But what struck me most was that he had a name that he was most definite about. Thomas Aiden. Then, he told me that I would understand the significance later. That he was the proof that I was right.

When I started to try and put more pieces together about why he was mine- when I was explaining that I was very much done having children and had no plans for more- and funnier than that, no "baby daddy" on the horizon, his response was very clear. "You're not in charge".

I woke up in a cold sweat.

I spent the better part of the morning trying to shrug it off on the fact that I re-read the Breaking Dawn novel yesterday, in which Bella does conceive and deliver a child. Then I thought maybe it was also because a friend and myself were discussing our children last night before bed as well, so I had kids on the brain.

This afternoon I left the house for a while because I just couldn't stand to be at home alone with my thoughts and needed a distraction. But no matter what, all day long, I couldn't shake the image of this blue eyed cutie-pie in my head. Here it is, nearly 24 hours later and I'm afraid to fall asleep for fear I'm going to get more of his story. I'm afraid the dream is going to repeat and I'll be incapacitated in thought for another day.

I don't know what's scarier, actually enjoying seeing him or being told point blank, "You're not in charge". For little Miss Planny-McPlannerson, that didn't quite go over so well.

I even went so far as to look up his name meanings online, figured maybe it would help me understand something. Thomas means "twin", Aiden means "fire/flame".

While I understand the significance of the name, I'm still baffled by the idea of the child itself.

I should add that I'm freaked out slightly more because before I had Madelyn, years and years ago, I met her in a dream before I even became pregnant with her. The dreams continued through most of the pregnancy, on and off, and I knew what she was going to look like, and that she'd be a girl, before she was born. Of course, she was three in most of the dreams I had of her, and used to laugh a lot. She actually looked just like I knew she would when she was three. Her laugh was the same too...

I don't know what this means, and it could very possibly mean nothing. But, I'm still freaking out. The only "good" news is that I don't know how old I was in the dream. Maybe it was just a dream. Maybe.

For now, I'm sticking to my "I'm not planning on having any more children" mantra. I can be in charge of that just plenty.