One of my friends recently introduced me to PlentyofFish.com, which I had seen in numerous advertisements throughout MySpace and Facebook, but had not ever visited or signed up. According to their stats, they say that 49% of women who have signed up have had success there. Best part? It's free.
So, I started filling it out, and then I stopped at part two. The questions had me stalled out, because I don't know what I'm really looking for right now anyway.
My divorce is final, I am officially in the "divorced" category. I have kids, for whom cleaning up after, caring for and feeding takes up about 95% of my time, even though they're all in school now. Do I have time to commit to dating? I've tried, don't get me wrong... I tried dating, and most of what I got was people not interested in me because I have four kids, one man who broke my heart, one man who really wanted to settle down with me and was feelin' it more than I was (I ended that) and a pile of guy friends who won't ever be anything else because none of them would ever want to "go there". I agree with them for the most part, and like the friendships I have, so I'm not needing to "fall in love and out of the friend zone" any time soon. But it's something to think about. What AM I looking for?
I know I blogged about this at some point last year, but as my life changes, my desires and needs change too. That's the whole point of getting older and wiser, right?
I guess with another birthday passed and another year older... I've come to realize some things that have come full circle with me. I'd rather sit at home on the couch having a few beers with someone I can have a conversation with than go out and have a few beers and get hit on by random strangers.
Despite my active sex drive, I'd rather forego sex these days than even attempt to deal with another man getting too attached (like the last time I tried dating) too soon. It's 2009, there are ways a woman can take care of the sex drive needs and not be ashamed about it. Hell, batteries aren't even required anymore.
But back to PlentyOfFish.com - yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I just don't know if I'm even swimming in the ocean, or maybe in a tidepool. I am here in PA and aside from a few friends that I've made up here, I pretty much feel like a fish out of water.
I mean, there's got to be other single moms out there that are looking to find an eventual companion that isn't weirded out by the fact that there are kids involved already. There's got to be other single moms that have eccentric beliefs, thoughts, talents, dreams and aren't afraid to voice them or pursue them... right?
I think this comes back down to feeling out of my element a little bit ever since I was in grade school. I've always been bright and bubbly. I've always been friendly. I have always managed to fit in just enough to not fit into one space only. I prefer to fit into many different groups because I consider myself multi-faceted. It's difficult to find (especially in this area) someone who appreciates your multi-facetedness and boldness in living life.
The signup form on the site tells me to post about my hobbies, goals, inspirations, taste in music and what makes me unique. Well, I don't think there's enough room for that and honestly, I don't know that most people would want to read or take the time to read such a long description. Do I want to spend time filling that out? What's worse, is that I don't know if I want to sign up simply to see what's out there or if I really want to find something. Do I?
I guess the short answer to the what I'm looking for is simply this: I'm looking for someone who I enjoy spending time with, someone I can be myself with, laugh with, play around with, someone who loves not only me but my kids too and someone that I have at least some sort of physical attraction to as well. In addition, I'm looking for someone that has their own life, their own experiences, their own life separate from mine. I don't want or need a twin, or someone else attached to my hip. I do want someone who is independent enough to be able to survive and/or not freak out if I go out with my other friends... and not them. Most importantly, my kids and my friends have to like this person for it to go anywhere serious. Oh, and it takes me knowing someone a while before anyone meets my kids or comes over to hang out.
Wow, I guess that wasn't a short answer huh?
Maybe I should copy and paste the whole thing into the PlentyOfFish.com sign up site. Well, I did. I also took their personality test. Here's what it has to say:
Congratulations! You just completed the Plenty of Fish Chemistry Predictor!
The Plenty of Fish Compatibility Predictor (CP) measures five broad relationship variables that are each essential for building romantic relationships. People don't need to score "high" on each of these characteristics to be in a fulfilling relationship. What's important is how your profile interacts with the profile of a potential romantic partner -- or what is commonly called “chemistry.” Based on decades of empirical research in the social sciences, the CP captures the five key ingredients that can determine whether or not two people have the “right” psychological chemistry. The relationship variables are:
Self-Confidence, or the degree to which a person feels comfortable with him or herself. People that are high in self-confidence tend to be assertive and competent in both their private and public relationships. People that are low in self-confidence tend to be reticent and somewhat anxious.
Family Orientation, or the degree to which a person supports and values the family. People that are family-oriented tend to want or already have children, are very close to their immediate relatives and prefer cooking at home to eating at a restaurant. People that are not family-oriented tend to be individualistic, unconventional and very much enjoy attending parties and social functions.
Self-Control, or the extent to which a person exerts control over various aspects of life. People that are high in self-control tend have strong emotional reactions to things and try to regulate those feelings by micromanaging and attending to specific details. People that are low in self-control are usually relaxed, even-tempered and lenient.
Openness, or the extent to which a person is open to and dependent upon others. People that are high in openness tend to like a wide range of things (e.g., food, music, movies, etc.), in part because they are concerned with pleasing other people. In contrast, people low in openness are very independent and opinionated; they know what they like and aren’t apt to change their opinion.
Easygoingness, or a person’s work ethic and degree of mental flexibility. People that are high in easygoingness are very relaxed, broadminded and unaffected by change. In contrast, people low in easygoingness tend be hardworking, firm, and sometimes inflexible.
IMPORTANT: Before reading your profile, remember that the report is based on generalizations from research on an international validation sample. Some feedback may not apply to your case. For instance, we know that overall those scoring "moderate or high" on Family Orientation tend to either want children soon or are open to the idea in the future. However, this generalization may not be accurate for all moderate and high scorers. Use these results for self-awareness and self-reflection...and hopefully as a conversation piece with other Plenty of Fish members!
Self-Confidence
As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.
The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.
Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.
Family Orientation
As someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent. If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future. And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood.
You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this. This natural tendency is easily illustrated by your preference for doing things around the house as opposed to going out to clubs and restaurants.
What really sets you apart from people that are low in family orientation is that you know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you are well-equipped to manage a family without letting all the work that is involved wear you down. However, as someone with strong family values, all the work that is involved in maintaining a tidy home and well-stocked kitchen might occasionally make it difficult for you to finish everything that you need to do.
Self-Control
The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.
As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.
Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.
Openness
As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.
Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.
Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.
Easygoingness
Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.
High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.
How does your personality affect your love life?
With the strong degree of self-confidence that you possess, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.
Given how much you value family life, you probably get along best with people who share your values and beliefs. In fact, it’s likely that you maintain close connections with members of your immediate and distant family. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also values domestic life.
Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who also enjoys spending time at home and desires starting a family. On first dates, perhaps you might suggest to your partner that the two of you spend a quiet night having dinner at one of your respective homes instead of going out to a restaurant or club.
As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored. When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.
Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.
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The results should be interesting.
-A
