Oh what a week!

I mentioned that I was going to Nashville for CRS week, and was so excited that I'd be seeing my friends... well, I am and was. I had a great time!

Wednesday, I drove down there, and then when I got into town I headed straight for my friend Todd's house, for his baptism party. That was fun, pictures got taken, I could only stay for a little while, and then headed north again towards Nashville.

I got a phone call from my friend Tiff, and she was in Green Hills, so I stopped off to see her at a friend's bus... and ran into another friend of mine! We all ended up hanging out that night between the buses and then hit up our favorite bar, Losers. It was so good to see some old friends and laugh. It was a great start to a wonderful long weekend.

Then, Thursday I went to CRS and hung out at the Bridge Bar, only after getting a REALLY Hot dress from Aimee at Flavour! I did a video for her too, and I still have to edit it. It was so wonderful to see her and she did a great job dressing me for Thursday's CRS event! I am going to have to pick up a few more dresses next time I'm in town!

At Bridge Bar, I was able to see a TON of people I know, and it was surprising how loved I felt, as I sat there and kept seeing more and more people I knew, and I would get hug after hug, and then the same question..."Are you back in Nashville for good?"... I would tell everyone the same thing. I'm working on it, and I'm finally ready. Everything's handled.

I got a lot of great job leads (even in the economy's state), and met some new people too!

I ended up hanging all over downtown and midtown on Thursday night, rockin' out my dress... and had a blast!

Friday morning I woke up and felt human only after a ton of Starbucks. I looked like a train wreck until I got to my friend Brandi's house and we got to chat and I got to grab a shower. She even made me waffles! It was great catching up with her and I got to play her a song of mine as well. When I left there, I headed towards Losers to catch up with JJ and her new friend Josh Hoge. We sat there at the bar chatting for a bit, then I decided to head back towards downtown for more CRS fun. After a quick trip to Printers Alley and a couple hours of karaoke fun... Friday night proved to be a great night out, and I was treated to a great show courtesy of Digital Rodeo and CRS, that had all sorts of new country artists performing covers. My hands down favorite of the evening was Emily West singing "Nothing Compares 2 U". I closed out the evening at Broadway Brewhouse with some old NEPA friends.

Saturday morning I got up, showered and hit the door... went to Losers to check in and sit on the porch. That's all I wanted to do. Just sit there, and hang out on the porch. I thought I would be able to run into some old friends, and I was right. Little by little, they all ended up coming in, and by the end of the day, there was a great crowd of my favorite people... all hanging out on the porch and laughing.

Saturday night was the same way. I ended up being well behaved, and knew I had a long drive coming up.

Overall, I maximized the time I spent in Nashville. I can't wait to get back (for good).

So on the way home, I had almost no voice, which I attributed to all the yelling over bands, and talking and singing and carrying on... as well as the drinking... and didn't ever think it MIGHT be that I was getting sick. Whooops.

Yeah, I have spent the majority of this week in bed, sleeping, breaking fevers and coughing. Overall, I got what the kids had. I fell hard.

Last night, I got a phone call from Jon again. Not the first time this week, but it was a late phone call so I was surprised. I picked up, and after a little conversation, including him saying that he thought of me when he noticed it was karaoke night, he told me that he owed me a weekend. I inquired, laughing and asked why... and he said that he knew I came down there several times and that he owed me a weekend where he showed up here. I said, ok... when did you want to come up? And he gave me a date of April 18th. Haha! A month out... I just said, ok, let me know and I'll find out what's going on then and we'll go out and have fun.

I'm finally feeling a little bit better... I think by tomorrow I should be back on my game. :) Of course, that's just in time to clean up the house for the kids to wreck it this weekend. Haha!
And, they get out early tomorrow.

So, that's kind of it, my week in a really short post. I had a lot of fun, and still have SO much work to do with editing down all my videos and getting them up on the new site. I hope I can get some of that done this weekend... plus there's Parade Day on Saturday. I don't know if I can get to that or not - gotta see about a sitter.

Life and such

I'm ready to move on in my life...
After the conversation with Jon, realizing he's not going to move forward any time soon- and that he's actually moved backwards- in talking with M again, and entertaining the thought to date her again simply because she can travel with him (that's a dangling carrot for him), I just told him that I wished him happiness and told him good luck.
I realize that even though I had all those lovely thoughts and at one point, he did too... he's not willing to step up. I have to move forward, I have to move on. And I'm ok with that.

I know what I want, so now it's time I asked the universe for it.

I want to be around friends- new, old, doesn't matter- but just good friends- ones that would come over just to hang out, ones that think of you and send you something, ones that you enjoy hanging out with doing silly things like game nights... couples... and I think that's it... I want that couples lifestyle.

I want to be someone's better half. Ha... to spend nights not alone on the couch... someone who likes to go out and do things too... someone who knows what I am all about... someone who I can be myself- and as quirky as I am... and they love me anyway and STILL want to spend their time with me.. and share their life with me.

It's not too much to ask, right?

I find myself feeling a little jealous lately of some of my old friends from high school. I'm happy for them, I guess envious would be a better word... Some of these people grew up together, stayed together, and they have friends that they've known for so many years. They go out together, they spend time at one another's houses... and now, they're starting families. It's interesting to me that here I am at 30... and I have my kids... and I honestly don't know if I could have any more right now. My youngest is 5. The thing is, most men my age would want kids of their own. I don't know if I could give that to anyone.

Argh... I'm just so confused. One moment I'm this strong independent woman, and another there's this desire that's so deep to share my life with someone. To have a life partner to share my life... and that loneliness is sometimes so heart wrenching, I don't know how to feel.

And some of this is more personal than I'm used to sharing on my blogs... any of them. But, in an effort to get what you want in life, I'm leaving it up here.
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I just got interrupted by my second phone call of the day from the same person. It's so random, but it's this guy that I knew in HS. He was a senior when I was a freshman. We were friends then and would talk on occasion. He liked me when I was 14-15. I didn't know then... but he wrote in my freshman year yearbook, the sweetest note, professing his affection. I lost touch with him after he left for college, then the next time we met, I was married and pregnant with my second child. His family owns a hardware store that I used to frequent once I bought my first house. We saw each other on a few occasions, but then I left South Florida in 2001 and have not seen him since. We recently reconnected on Facebook/MySpace and started talking on the phone. As it turns out, he's single - and I am too... and we still have a lot in common.

We've made plans to see each other at Christmastime when I'm down south.

He just called to say "goodnight". He's in the middle of Florida, hunting with his friends, and was turning in for the night in his trailer in the woods. How cute is that?
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I have another friend of mine sending a few texts. He's from Nashville and is a friend of mine from there.

I guess I should feel pretty blessed that I do have people who care about me, even if I do sometimes feel pretty lonely.

It's a pretty cool feeling sometimes to know that some friends stay friends forever. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

When I got laid off (can't believe it's been almost a whole month!), I lost not only a job, but my friends (or at least I should say, "friends"). I am a little disappointed that most of the people I would hang out with haven't extended an invitation to stay in touch. Not like I really can right now, but... the thought that counts, or at least the same kind of interaction online and on Facebook, etc. It's just odd to me to think that I considered these people friends, and I am feeling pretty shunned.

It's not like I know many people up this way, they were like my entire social network. So it's weird for me.
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Phone rang again, it was this guy who lives up here, my karaoke friend... called to ask me out again. He wanted to know when we could get together and probably hit up a karaoke place again. We made plans for Sunday. (he works fridays and saturdays)

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I have so much in my head, but it's after midnight and I'm worn out. Time for me to fall asleep and drift into my own little dreamland... hopefully I can stay there for at least 8 hours!

Karaoke, A Soldier Cries and a Marriage Proposal

Yeah. Odd title. I know.

Last night, after all was said and done with the kids, I was sitting on the couch and watching TV and I've had such the month with just emotional everything, I needed to purge. I knew it was Karaoke night at Spurs, and normally once I'm already settled in on the couch, I don't want to go anywhere. I just felt a pull to get out and go sing.

I should explain that I purge by singing. It was around 10pm, and I knew I had a busy day today with it being the last day of the month, so I really wanted to get rid of all my emotional baggage and trudge forward to close all my business with a free and rejuvenated soul.

I called our neighbor and asked her daughter if she would mind sitting on the couch for just a couple hours while I ran up to Karaoke night at Spurs. It was a good call.

So I got to the bar, put in my songs, sipped on a couple beers and got up to sing. Before long, I was taking requests. There were a couple of guys at the bar, and I started talking to one of them after I got back off stage.

While we were talking, he explained to me that he had been special ops in the military, and now he was back at home in the States, working as a truck driver. He had the most amazing deep green eyes. He's originally from Alabama and has one daughter who will soon be eight. We had lots to talk about, as I told him about my kids and life here in between karaoke songs.

As the night rolled on, and we kept talking about our pasts, we got into a quick conversation about religion. We were now sitting at a small table away from the majority of the people who were still left in the bar. He said he was a Christian, and he prayed every day that he would be forgiven for some of the things he had to do when he was in the army. When he said this, his eyes quickly filled up with tears, and I could see his eyes cloud over, and knew he was re-living some of those moments in his head.

I immediately did the first thing that I know how to do... which is reach out and hugged him. I just leaned over and gave him the biggest "Mom" hug I had. I could feel his pain and his tears continued for a moment.

After one big deep breath, he stopped, quickly pulling himself together and he said, "You know, I had to do some terrible things. I've taken men's heads off, I've shot people...and it hurts me to know that I did those things, but when I stop and think about why I was doing that... On top of everything else, them shooting at me, and being in the war, those men were raping innocent women and children. And when I start beating myself up, I just think about that, and then I think about my daughter... and I know they really deserved exactly what they got."

I gave him a hug and reassured him that he had protected everything he held most dear in life, and protecting me and everyone else at the bar at the same time by volunteering to put his own life in danger.

He kind of looked up at me and then said, "You are amazing, you know that? Seriously, marry me."

I laughed and said, "You don't even know me".

I ended up diffusing the marriage proposal, but he asked about ten or fifteen times. I kept saying, "Relax... you don't even know me".

In the end, he kept me out later than I had planned to stay out, but the conversation was really great. We exchanged numbers to stay in touch.

When I reflect on the night, I think about how God works in mysterious ways. I met a nice person, who apparently needed some sort of therapy. While I'm not a professional, sometimes you just have to be there for other people. Their every day angel.

In an effort to get rid of some of my stress level, I ended up helping someone else get rid of some guilt. The best part? We both left refreshed and rejuvenated.

Wonderful.