God Help Me.

I have got to be crazy, or confused... I am not quite sure.

I think everyone who has read this blog since I started it knows about Jon. I still refer to him as "the man I thought I would marry" when describing our past relationship. I still have VERY fond memories of some of our times together...He's someone I really enjoy spending time with. I still have vivid memories of a few of our more intimate moments... still and potentially forever unmatched in passion.

He started calling me more regularly about a month ago... again, the Melissa thing was over. I very clearly told him I wasn't going to be his go-to girl whenever things with them didn't work out.

Something happened a few weeks ago. I was out late, with friends, had a few drinks in me and was at a truck stop diner with them when my phone rang. It was Jon, getting ready for work, and we had a long conversation, in which I told him I was glad he called again, but that I wasn't looking for me to get emotionally invested again if that's what he was trying to do, and that I wasn't going to sleep with him and I wasn't going to come visit him, and that I very clearly understood that he didn't want to take the chance on love with me. I told him I really did love him, but that I wasn't going to do that to myself again. I told him that I would love to still be friends with him and that if he ever decided he was ready to leap to let me know.

I even told him I was pretty much done with dating for right now. I was concentrating on maintaining and growing friendships, that I had dated enough for a while... and I was fortunate to have a few good friends here in town that understood the craziness that is me...

After that call, he took about a week off from calling me. I expected that he would probably not call me for a long time.

**Took about an hour or so break from writing this because he called.**

Anyway, it was a while before we talked... but he called. It was something simple at first, he needed help with a computer thing. I helped him, and we chatted, and that was that. Friendly phone call, I hung up when I was done and excused myself so I could tend to whatever I was doing.

He called again the next night, just seeing how my day went, asking about blah blah... just to chat.

Ok, so he's lonely. I'm a friend he knows he can call. I again, excused myself after we talked for about 5-10 minutes.

Well, the phone calls have picked up again, to the point where it's not every day, but it's often enough. And I laugh. I really laugh. I enjoy our conversations.

And we've had some funny conversations, just like we used to do... but again, I stand by what I have said. I'm not allowing myself to go there again. And I'm okay with it, I'm okay with being just friends this time around. He even asked me if I wanted to go on a singles cruise with him- because none of his guy friends wanted to. I told him I would go, it would be fun. The truth is, I've been wanting to go on one too... and had even talked with another friend about trying to plan something like that.

So what changed today?

Nothing really, except the reason for the blog was spurred by a phone call from earlier tonight (yes, he called twice tonight, the first time was while he was out) from him.

His opening line... "Hey... I was sitting here thinking about something you said you'd send me a long time ago."
Me: "Oh, your swim trunks, I'm sorry, yes, I have them, just email me an address and I'll get them out to you tomorrow."
Him: "No, well, yes, I need those for when I go see the kids again, but no, I was thinking about something else..."
Me: "Oh... (dumbfounded pause)... What?"
Him: "You told me a long time ago you'd burn a CD of Country Music for me, and I was wondering if you still would. (He hates country... says it's whiny, and I told him to give it a shot, to let me put some fun country together on a cd and he might just like it)
Me: "Um, yeah, sure... no problem."

It went into more conversation and then I told him that I could barely hear him so to give me a call back later if he wanted to talk because I couldn't hear him at the bar.

I didn't expect that he would call back.

He did. And again, we talked for an hour. About silly stuff, random stuff, TV shows, funny things that happened recently in our lives, the kids, his daughter's upcoming birthday, my trip to Nashville.

Shrug... I don't know. I just don't know.

God Help Me. Give me the strength to not love this man. Allow me to keep that gate to my heart closed, locked tight... and not allow myself to openly love him again. I'm strong now, but I know with more phone calls like the one above, that cites information/memories and stuff from our past... It might be harder later down the line.

God Help Me... stay focused on all the good things I have going on in my life. My good friends, my new dating options (Plentyoffish.com), my trip to Nashville. I cannot allow myself to put Jon back into my potential future again. I cannot. I will not.

It would truly take an act of God for this man to decide that he's ready to take that leap of faith... to ACT on the love he has said he has for me in the past... but I know is too afraid to do anything about.

So I'm ok with being JUST his friend. I do know that I'm going to have to keep my boundaries set, my walls firm.... and well... keep relying on God when I'm feeling weak.

I feel better already.