I'm not so tough

Everyone seems to think I'm strong

Because that's what I seem to be

But the truth is on the inside

there's a frightened little me

I spend my days and nights

praying someone will come along

Asked God to help me through

the Darkest moments I ever knew

I'm not that strong

I'm not so tough

Behind my smile

I hide so much

I hurt too, I feel the pain

I cry at night
Tears on my pillowcase

I need you to hold me

Promise me I'll be alright

I'm not that strong

The left side of my bed has never been so appealing

You're laying there, asleep, rhythmically breathing

The warmth of your skin warms my sheets and my heart

If I had it my way, we'd never sleep apart...

Whenever you leave me, your scent lingers behind

In my pillows and blankets, it's comfort I find

Till you're home again and holding me tight

Wrapped up in your love, morning, noon and night

What the hell...

I figured I'd go ahead and just see what kind of creativity I could spew at the moment.

Do you know who I am?

The words scream from my soul

Will you hurt me again?

I've really got to know

Do I give you my heart?

Even thought it's already yours

When we lay down at night

And pillow talk

Walls come down with the switch of the light

We pillow talk

I never stopped caring

I truly love you

I've processed it all

I've felt like a fool

I've hurt worse than ever

I've missed you like hell

Don't hurt me, you said

And I replied with the same

I told you I loved you

then you held me tight

Kissed me on the forehead

and whispered Goodnight

The familiar ding of your phone

Broke through the silence

I saw her name across the screen

Silently, I began to scream

I reached down deep, closed my eyes

Guarded myself for potential lies

Grounded my emotions

I won't cry today

I have no hold on you

So what's left to say?

Maybe a little too honest?

A lot of my friends know that I enjoy writing poetry and song lyrics. Truthfully, I haven't done nearly as much as I used to of either lately. I haven't been "in the mood" to write things down. I've always got words swirling around in my head, or lines to a chorus or poem that I think up, but haven't felt much for writing it down lately.

I ran into someone I had known a few years ago, and he asked me if I was "doing much writing". When I responded "no, not really", he looked shocked and said, "Well, why the hell not?"

I think I said something along the lines of "I just haven't really made the time lately, and I've been busy with the kids", which is a complete cop-out.

His reply was, "Well, you're good and you should keep it up, make a little time to do more of it." After exchanging a few more kind words and changing the subject, I couldn't help but think about the actual conversation over and over again. Then, I started to think about my reasoning for not writing all that much lately.

The real, honest answer, after hours of thoughtful soul searching?

I just don't want to be hurt again. I write from my soul and most often, it's unabashedly personal to whatever is in the corner of my mind at the time. Last year, I really had some major losses, hurts, and one knock out blow to my sensitivity. I took some time away from being that "open" about my thoughts. I took time away from being "me" publicly, and stuck with comments about the news and weather.

The real, honest answer is that I didn't write because I didn't want to expose my already bleeding soul. I needed time to heal myself before I could ready and steady myself for being open to others again.

Am I better? No.

Am I better now than I was then? Yes.

I've learned what parts of me I'm not willing to share at this time. Truthfully, I should take the time and write things in private for only my consumption, but even that- the method of taking a pen to paper and making my thought process a reality in ink... for me, is still too personal and finite.

So that's why there hasn't been a whole lot from me, creatively, in these past few months. Maybe it's a little too honest to post? Maybe it's just the amount of honest I need to be sharing.

Time heals all wounds, right? Well for me, so do words. It may be time to get back on the creative writing horsey.

Moments of Uncontrollable Emotion

I'm a tough cookie. At least, I think I am, most of the time.

After the movie last night, I ended up in a conversation about my marriage/divorce and I realized that I definitely have more to work through with some of the pain that's still lingering there. On a day to day basis, I'm fine. I feel like I've moved past a lot of it. In fact, I've been a sounding board to friends about their emotions... and I realized tonight that maybe I'm still not back to normal. Maybe I'm not over all the emotions I've so carefully jarred and shelved.

What is normal anyway?

Some days it's just tough to be me. The juggling of responsibilities weighs heavily on my mind. For instance, it's a Saturday, and I should be sleeping... but instead I'm awake and contemplating life at 6:30am.

Another friend of mine seems to be avoiding me more than usual. It's almost as if every opportunity to avoid one on one conversation with me is being put in place. I think part of it is because we have things to talk about, and I don't think it's a subject that we're ready to broach entirely as of yet, while we're still testing the waters. Still, it's somewhat painful at times. We both had hurt feelings. Sigh. What can ya do.

The combination of all of this has me awake and unable to fall back asleep. Then I started thinking about the laundry to do, so I started a load... and I'm hoping if I stare at this keyboard for a little bit, I'll tire my eyes out enough to sleep for maybe another hour or so- before the kids get up.

I think I'll try now...

Love. Live & Learn.

I was praying/journaling last night (yes, with actual pen and paper) and came to this conclusion about love.

All the times that I seem to have thought that I was in love, I think that I had part of the equation right, but not the entire thing. It was close. Some closer than others. I started flipping through the bible to one of my favorite verses, 1 Corinthians 4-7.. The one that most everyone knows about love:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And here's what I thought: The times I have loved, I have been patient, and kind. I rarely get jealous, I don't often flaunt it and I'm usually blissfully happy. In addition, I tend to follow this whole verse nearly verbatim. I'm not the jealous type, I understand misunderstandings, I'm one of the best protectors that there is on this earth and I'm full of hope and endurance.

Now, the next few lines are what had me...

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

This part made the most sense to me. I've been promised things, I've had dreams about relationships, been led around like a bunny with a carrot on a string in some instances for way too long. Sometimes, the NOT knowing where things are headed within a relationship is probably for the best. I feel this sort of love in some friendships of mine. For instance, my friend Jessica, who I've known since I was 14. We have this sort of love. No matter what we go through in life, we love each other and support each other. There's no pretense of promises, only a show of support when it's needed, a smile or a laugh when we get together, conversations that can get very deep and spiritual... That's the kind of love that's really working in my life right now. I have other friendships where it's very similar to that now as well, that I've developed as an adult.

Love isn't gender specific, and I'm thankful that while I'm waiting for God to send me the man to enhance my life, I can recognize the love I have with my friends and family. It's enduring.

I believe that love is a powerful force in this world. I see it very clearly, but at the same time, there's much yet to be revealed to me. So for now, I know in part... and I pray that I will see it fully.

Live and learn. Live and learn. Live and learn.

I've always had faith, hope and love. It's true that the most powerful and greatest of these is love. With love, all things are possible.

Go tell someone you love them today. Tell them they're appreciated, tell them you really enjoy having them in your life. It doesn't have to be a romantic type of love, just tell someone that is special to you exactly why they light up your life. Pass on the love in your life, it's multiplied when we share it with others.

With a little help from our friends...

Please comment, post and share... we'd like to help Shanna get her song in the movie Breaking Dawn.

Happy New Year!

The Christmas Trip

As I mentioned in my previous post, I spent the holidays in Fort Lauderdale, FL with my family. It was the first time we've had a full family Christmas in a few years. It was great too because the kids had the opportunity to spend time with their dad as well as his side of the extended family for the holidays.

My parents renewed their vows as well- after nearly 34 years of marriage, in a family ceremony on the beach.

Good Times with Old (and New) Friends

The day after Christmas, as a general rule, my high school alma mater holds their annual alumni Christmas party. It was absolutely wonderful to see so many people that I hadn't seen in such a long time. I always enjoy that party and try to make it whenever possible.

As the week went on, it was fantastic to be able to have the chance to laugh and sing and get to know some people better. It was great to end up in deep conversations with some new friends and openly speak about some of my own dreams and intentions. It was also refreshing to hear that I wasn't alone in a lot of my desires for my life. Surprisingly, I heard similar thought processes from a man.

The week was a lot of fun, spending time with family and friends. I have a new love for the game "Catch Phrase". I forgot how much I really enjoyed being social.

The Drive

The one major part of the trip to Florida, is the drive there- and the drive back. It's about 17 hours. Four kids in the car for 17 hours, as well as sitting and driving that long alone takes a lot out of a girl. It would take a lot out of anyone, I guess. I haven't had to do that kind of driving for a long time. I wanted to be back home for New Year's. So I made it in finally around 5am on New Year's Eve- and definitely needed my rest.

Thoughts for The New Year

Many people make resolutions. Most of those fall flat. I'd like to set goals. My goals are to eat a little healthier in the new year and get back to the healthy me that I have been before. To spend more time enjoying my children while they are young and focus on family time as much as I can. To continue developing this soap and candle business with my mother because it's something I really enjoy making. I'd also like to spend more time with friends who are important in my life. The people who make me a priority, not an option. The people who value me for what I have to offer in this world, who enhance me and encourage me to be the best that I can be.

Change your conversation and change your outcome, right? This year I plan to continue to attract positivity into my life and dispel negativity. I will continue to encourage my spiritual growth, continue to encourage my creative growth and consciously try to keep all options open for the positivity to manifest itself into my life.

The Big 33

I turn 33 in about a month. This year holds special meaning for me, because I see it as a year of "transformation". Just as a caterpillar turns to a butterfly, that's how I view this upcoming year. My season is changing. As someone with Christian beliefs, I also recognize the biblical implications of the number 33. Jesus died on the cross for us when he was 33. He transformed at this age, from walking with us as a man, to fulfilling a prophecy, dying and coming back to life. His resurrection is surely the greatest transformation one could imagine.

So this year, I plan on a physical and spiritual resurrection of sorts. I feel that for me, in the past several years, I have come through many obstacles and I feel that I am ready to do what I can to be a stronger person this year to help others. That will be part of my change. Mostly, I'm open to being surprised to new or unplanned happinesses. I'm looking forward and not looking back. Life is good and this year, I intend on riding that "good" train the entire way through.

I hope and pray that you all have a wonderful 2011 as well.