No idea what to call this rambling...

Forgive my random ramblings today. I'm kind of all over the place...

It's funny how I observe the world around me. Funny in a sense where most of the time, I'm not sure where I fit.

I've almost always been a square peg that's never going to fit in a round hole. I'm just always at a different point in my life than most of my peers, so automatically that makes me feel more of a distance from most.

It's starting to even out a little since the kids are getting bigger.

I don't know, I just feel sometimes like I'm kind of floating along... and I don't really like being without a partner in life... I mean, single life is fun, don't get me wrong... but I have dreams about sharing my life with someone, raising our kids together, etc.

I guess what is more appealing is having someone to do all these fun things with... whether it's coming home and sharing dinner and conversation, shuffling kids back and forth, curling up on the couch to watch a movie together or going out with other couples/having people over... these are some things in my life that I wasn't able to do even when I was still with Frank. We almost never had people over, and almost never went out with other people.

I think, in retrospect, that we just weren't developed enough as adults on our own... we hadn't had adult experiences really... there weren't those developed college friendships/adult work related friendships, etc. We just existed. For years, it was more like a business arrangement than a marriage. We kind of just existed, passing each other on the way down the hall, living separate lives in the same house. It wasn't unfriendly, it was just distant.

Now though, I think about my life and what it entails. I have met great people... I'm up here now in PA, and though most of my friends are currently still in Nashville, I have been up here long enough to meet a few new friends in this area. I have fun when I go out, but I have always been known to do that and be able to meet people easily... it's just that there's a different kind of friendship that I'm looking for.

The majority of the friends that I have here are the ones that you hang out with, just have fun with and you all go your separate ways. What I'm looking for is someone who I can have a deeper connection with. Honestly, a good girlfriend would be great... good friends and a glass of wine.... but I also mean a deeper connection/relationship with a man.

I had that with Jon, I still kind of have that with Jon, but I also feel that it's not going to go further anymore. I don't think he's ready to love again, despite what he says. I guess I've probably known that for a while, and we have no hold on each other, other than the depth of our friendship and the attraction we have for one another. We're not dating; in fact, both of us are actively dating other people...

But I wonder, is that fair to know that there's this man I love, but know that right now and possibly never, it won't work out... and try to invest in another relationship? With Jon I fell so hard, so fast...

Another reason I think I would probably benefit from having a steady relationship with someone again is that I really do enjoy just spending time with one person. I'm not looking for love, but I guess more-so companionship for now- that might turn into love along the way.

And I've had a few great conversations with some of my male friends here in PA... just don't know if anyone ever sees me as "girlfriend potential"... I'm so used to being one of the guys, or just the girl that is fun to hang out with.

I guess it boils down to just one thing, I don't like being lonely.



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My DailyOM for the day:
August 21, 2008
Life As It Is
Making Life Work For You

Sometimes we have so many varying responsibilities in our lives, ranging from work obligations to caring for children to running a household, we feel we cannot possibly make it all work. We may feel overwhelmed in the face of it all, ending each day feeling hopelessly behind schedule. However, regardless of how frustrating this can be, these are the parameters that make up our lives, and we owe it to ourselves to find a way to make it work. Rather than buckling under the pressure of an impossible to-do list, we might take a moment to view the larger perspective.

Like the president of a large organization, we must first realize that we cannot do every job ourselves. The first step to sanity is learning how to delegate some of the responsibility to other people, whether by paying someone to clean our house or trading childcare duties with another parent. In addition, we might find places where we can shift our expectations in ways that make our lives easier. For example, expecting ourselves to create a healthy home-cooked meal every night after a full day of work, errands, or caring for an infant or toddler may be a bit excessive. We might allow ourselves to order in food once in a while without any guilt. Accepting the adjustments needed to make our lives work is an essential ingredient to being at peace with our situation.

At the end of the day, we must come to terms with changing what we can and accepting what we cannot change. Sometimes the laundry piles up, a sick child demands more of our attention than usual, and we temporarily get behind with our schedule. Accepting this momentary state of affairs and trusting in our ability to get back on track when the time is right, we gracefully accept our life as it is, letting go of perfectionism and embracing life as it stands.