Yeah, it's going to be one of those nights. I keep falling asleep though. Had some serious narcoleptic moments. I was watching Enchanted, thinking again about J, who I always think about during quiet moments- but especially as the counterpart in my own romantic life-movie, and I fell asleep on the couch.
I don't sleep like that. It is actually quite rare for me to do. I got rest last night, so I'm not quite sure why I'm dragging ass so much today.
M came over this morning, wanting to know if I wanted to do a backyard deal with the kids, she was thinking about grilling out. I made jello shots and mac and cheese. She was doing the hamburgers and hot dogs.
I'm contemplating going down to the basement and finally digging out my box of paints. I have the canvas out now, it's only a matter of time before I actually do it. But the pain I've been feeling, the odd sense of creativity that's being stifled. I think it might finally be time tonight.
I just don't want to be distracted when I do start painting. I think tonight will actually be perfect. I'm going to get my music all set up, get my paints out, probably indulge in a few more jello shots before touching my brush to the canvas.
Yes, it sounds like a plan.
Dazed and Confused
Have you ever been living your life and at one moment feel like you're not living your life, but watching it be lived? Kind of an out of body surreal experience. I've had a few moments like that recently - and it's usually one of those things that has happened on occasion, but lately, it's been pretty regular. It's weird, but cool... like you can take a step back, look in the mirror at your own self living/breathing/doing. But for a moment, it doesn't really feel like you, but more like you're watching someone else.
I guess that's an odd way to explain it. Despite what you may be thinking, these moments happen during totally sober times... No alcohol involved. Sometimes it's while I'm at work, other times while I'm at home or out. I just suddenly get a universal view of my life.
What now? So I'm trying to figure out the rest of the details. Find a way to save more money. Find a way to make more money. Find a way to never have to worry about money again.
God gave me some of these talents, and damn it, I better put some of them to good use.
Ok, time for the grill out. I should probably finally get myself off the bed and try to actually spend some time outside.
Saturday Snoozin' I really must not have felt up to par this week. I went out for a little last night, but have managed to sleep or nap most of today. I think stress wore me out. My body needed rest (and still needs rest).
I'm debating now whether to do the whole football game with Frankie tomorrow (since we had already said we were skipping this week) or not. At the moment, I'm leaning toward not. I just want a weekend at home.
I'm getting it.
Currently, I'm upstairs... I took a nap on the couch in the living room for a couple hours today, got things semi-straightened up; it still needs a vacuuming. I haven't heard from Cristin, so I assume she's not coming. It was semi-tentative anyway, and it's just fine by me. She still might show up tomorrow at some point.
I finally did something other than lay around.
I cleaned the kitchen. Ok, I'm at least getting slightly productive. This is a good thing. Ok, I'm getting dressed - beyond the shorts and tshirt I'm currently wearing. Hair, makeup... I'll feel more human.
Ok, so I'm much less stressed than my last post, although I still have a lot of the same issues, except, I don't have to drive 10 hours tonight. That means I now have the whole weekend to tackle the laundry pile, and don't have to drive 20 hours in one weekend. Ah, stress level diminishing, somewhat....
After almost six months working at the company, today I finally got my nameplate. I was so psyched when Caroline dropped it off at my desk. So, I took a picture.
In addition, I made my sales goal at work, and even had a few sales I wasn't expecting. It was a good sales day and I was okay with calling it quits for the day at quarter to six, although I did talk to clients and send out emails once I got home. I will end up seeing what happens by tomorrow morning then probably sending some contracts out this weekend with a deadline of the 31st to see what else I can bring in. That's because I'm driven.
My kids are happy. When they're happy, I'm much happier. I got to make them exceptionally happy when I promised them that if they found my misplaced debit card in the house, we would order from Wing Zone, a local favorite. It was found within minutes, and I made good on my promise. I'm still currently nibbling on celery sticks that came with my own order of boneless wings.
Weekend Extracurriculars
Now that I'm not going anywhere, I will be able to finish the laundry and tackle the regular housework that really, really needs to be done this weekend. But not until tomorrow. I just talked to my friend Cristin, and she's going to drive up tomorrow to come spend the weekend with me, as she has no plans for Labor Day weekend. So I'll have incentive to bust my ass in the house first thing in the morning and polish the bathroom tomorrow.
Yay! I'm excited that she'll get to come and visit.
I was invited to a couple different events this weekend, but I think ultimately, I'll probably use the time to just chill.
I have a date though, well... an informal date. I let this guy Mike know I wasn't going out of town, and he wants to finally meet me. We're going to a place I feel safe, especially knowing that some friends of mine will DEFINITELY be there. See, I met this guy online. I've talked to him extensively, but I haven't ever met him. His sister lives not far from here, so he's going up to stay with her for the night and then will meet me at the bar. It will be interesting.
I'm trying to get my neighbors to come hang out with me.
Overall...
I'm just thankful for my health. I bitch on occasion about being stressed, being lonely, etc... but the reality is I'm really grateful that I'm healthy. Overall, I am healthy, I've got great kids who are also healthy... and I've got a great job. At the end of the day, I really don't have much to bitch about.
I'm not really looking forward to the next few days. In some respects, I am... because I am going to go down to South Carolina to see my family for the weekend, but in others, I don't want to go anywhere.
It's the last sales day of the month on Friday, so these next two days are already jam packed and super stressful for me. It's just those days where you do what you can to jam pack all the things you need to do into your day, but you always have more to do when you go home (or at least when you have to go home). At least it's looking positive.
The kids' school schedule, and football schedule has me flipping out. It seems EVERYONE wants more money. MORE MONEY MORE MORE MORE MONEY.... I was really upset earlier this week that other people can work from home, but on Monday, I got docked a day's pay so I could stay home with a munchkin that wasn't feeling well (and truthfully, I wasn't feeling hot myself but I would have dragged my ass to work if I could).
Other people in other departments in the company can work from home and not get docked a day's pay. This was a new development for me, as the rule recently changed for my department, and I wasn't notified until Monday when there was that problem. I had no backup available. I can't send a kid to daycare that's thrown up, but I CAN work from home... I was infuriated, simply put.
Truthfully, the sales department is probably the best equipped to work from home- ALL of our records are able to be accessed online- as well as our email and we are all given cell phones. As far as tracking our work, we can be measured in tasks that we accomplished and emails/phone calls sent/made that day. I simply don't agree with the new ruling, but it's not my call to make and I have no choice but to accept that. I don't have to like it, but I can accept it.
It really would not have taken much at all for me to have put in a FULL day from my dining room table. I work for a company that deals with the internet, after all. SIGH. And the only loss I would have had, would have been missing out on lead line calls (but yet, I could have made my own cold calls, so again, it wouldn't have been a big deal).
I am still pissed about that, apparently, because today I saw an IM messenger window from someone at work today labeled, "Working From Home", and I scowled at my computer screen.
I think the reason I was even more upset is because it's not like I don't work overtime... I do... and it's not like I'm paid MORE to check my email at random off hours of the morning or night, or answer client phone calls till 9pm- or even on weekends. I'm not. I just do it because it's my job. I am still frustrated about the whole thing, despite trying to accept it for what it is.
And what it is, ultimately, is a day's less pay in my paycheck at the end of the week.
So back to my rant about money...
Getting kids prepared for School: $60 - in shoes & socks Thankfully the uniforms were provided at no charge, although as soon as I do have money, I will have to go and get some updated Gym clothes, etc. As they don't currently have a gym uniform and I can't buy one yet.
F's Football: Pictures are going to cost me another $25. Plus Raffle Tix, plus selling crap, plus the eventual banquet, plus plus plus plus. I love that he loves to play.... but I tell you, I hate that this is like handing my wallet to a group of people.
Plus then there's the neverending food bill, the cost of gas, and my impending day care bill (some of which is subsidized)... I'm beginning to wonder why I work in the first place. It's like it's gone before it even comes in, and then I'm just surviving. That's it. God, please let it get better.
Despite the sometimes crippling stress, I do it all - moving forward and busting my ass always with a smile plastered on my face hoping and praying that things will get better. Argh.
So back to the reason I don't want to go anywhere this weekend. I'm tired. I'm so very tired... it's only Wednesday and I'm fucking exhausted. I know my mom is looking forward to seeing the kids, which is the only thing that is giving me any sort of energy to actually making this trip happen. Oh, and they paid for the gas...
Calgon, take me away!
Part of me wants to curl into a ball and just let more time lapse. I have so many random thoughts running through my head... I'm just going to freetype...
I absolutely MUST hit and exceed my goal at work this month.
I have to reschedule the kids missed dental appointments, but obviously I can't take any more time off work to plug them into my schedule.
I have to schedule my OWN yearly doctor's checkup. I'm fairly sure there's something wrong with me, because my energy level is constantly sapped. Not sure if it's just living a jam packed and stressed out life as a single parent of four very active kids or if it's something medical. Either way, please pass the Prozac.
Oh, and while I'm thinking about doctors, I also have to schedule my yearly gyno visit. Oh, yippie yay.
Then there is the whole painting thing... like I should be doing it but still haven't done it. At least if I did it, I might have something to sell to someone... and I might be less stressed as it's a major release.
Oh and laundry. I have several loads waiting for me.
Dishes too.
I can't pay the cleaning lady to come this week either... which means, I can look forward to trying to polish the house in the next two days as well.
I have to buy Contac paper and cover my kids' books with the clear crap that I really don't have the extra money to buy. Yeah, I know it's only $3, but so is a gallon of Milk.
OK, I have to stop the random thoughts because I'm just adding to my stress level.
Back to the trip advisory and upcoming birthday stuff...
I'm really not looking forward to the 10 hour drive down to South Carolina... or the 10 hour drive back on Monday with four kids (just in time for me to collapse into bed and get up for work in the morning).
Monday is Labor Day... but for me, it's also the TENTH ANNIVERSARY of my FIRST Labor Day... The birth of my eldest son! I am seriously wondering what to get him.
He just walked in, and I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. His answer? "Mom, either a cell phone or an iPod". I asked him why he thought he needed a cell phone, because he was always taken care of at all times of the day.
His response? "Just in case I get kidnapped." He paused, then added with a deadpan stare, "You never know, Mom."
When I stopped laughing, I looked online at the Verizon plans. It wasn't a good enough reason to upgrade my plan - although the phone would have been free.
I'll probably use the existing Toys R Us gift cards I have stored in my purse to get him a Wii Game. Thank God for old gift cards.
You haven't tired of my bitching yet???
I guess that's about it... my ranting and typing has made me feel a LITTLE better, though I'm still staring at my empty pockets and empty accounts for another day.
I want a bath, I want to soak in an oversized tub... but alas, I only have a small shower.
And I still wonder, if Calgon was going to take me away.... where would they take me and would they pay for a sitter? If so, I'm game.
After a day of drinking, and a few jello shots... I decided to show my new friend Juan the infamous 2 girls, 1 cup video. It's disgusting and I can't even watch it.
Forgive my random ramblings today. I'm kind of all over the place...
It's funny how I observe the world around me. Funny in a sense where most of the time, I'm not sure where I fit.
I've almost always been a square peg that's never going to fit in a round hole. I'm just always at a different point in my life than most of my peers, so automatically that makes me feel more of a distance from most.
It's starting to even out a little since the kids are getting bigger.
I don't know, I just feel sometimes like I'm kind of floating along... and I don't really like being without a partner in life... I mean, single life is fun, don't get me wrong... but I have dreams about sharing my life with someone, raising our kids together, etc.
I guess what is more appealing is having someone to do all these fun things with... whether it's coming home and sharing dinner and conversation, shuffling kids back and forth, curling up on the couch to watch a movie together or going out with other couples/having people over... these are some things in my life that I wasn't able to do even when I was still with Frank. We almost never had people over, and almost never went out with other people.
I think, in retrospect, that we just weren't developed enough as adults on our own... we hadn't had adult experiences really... there weren't those developed college friendships/adult work related friendships, etc. We just existed. For years, it was more like a business arrangement than a marriage. We kind of just existed, passing each other on the way down the hall, living separate lives in the same house. It wasn't unfriendly, it was just distant.
Now though, I think about my life and what it entails. I have met great people... I'm up here now in PA, and though most of my friends are currently still in Nashville, I have been up here long enough to meet a few new friends in this area. I have fun when I go out, but I have always been known to do that and be able to meet people easily... it's just that there's a different kind of friendship that I'm looking for.
The majority of the friends that I have here are the ones that you hang out with, just have fun with and you all go your separate ways. What I'm looking for is someone who I can have a deeper connection with. Honestly, a good girlfriend would be great... good friends and a glass of wine.... but I also mean a deeper connection/relationship with a man.
I had that with Jon, I still kind of have that with Jon, but I also feel that it's not going to go further anymore. I don't think he's ready to love again, despite what he says. I guess I've probably known that for a while, and we have no hold on each other, other than the depth of our friendship and the attraction we have for one another. We're not dating; in fact, both of us are actively dating other people...
But I wonder, is that fair to know that there's this man I love, but know that right now and possibly never, it won't work out... and try to invest in another relationship? With Jon I fell so hard, so fast...
Another reason I think I would probably benefit from having a steady relationship with someone again is that I really do enjoy just spending time with one person. I'm not looking for love, but I guess more-so companionship for now- that might turn into love along the way.
And I've had a few great conversations with some of my male friends here in PA... just don't know if anyone ever sees me as "girlfriend potential"... I'm so used to being one of the guys, or just the girl that is fun to hang out with.
I guess it boils down to just one thing, I don't like being lonely.
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My DailyOM for the day: August 21, 2008 Life As It Is Making Life Work For You
Sometimes we have so many varying responsibilities in our lives, ranging from work obligations to caring for children to running a household, we feel we cannot possibly make it all work. We may feel overwhelmed in the face of it all, ending each day feeling hopelessly behind schedule. However, regardless of how frustrating this can be, these are the parameters that make up our lives, and we owe it to ourselves to find a way to make it work. Rather than buckling under the pressure of an impossible to-do list, we might take a moment to view the larger perspective.
Like the president of a large organization, we must first realize that we cannot do every job ourselves. The first step to sanity is learning how to delegate some of the responsibility to other people, whether by paying someone to clean our house or trading childcare duties with another parent. In addition, we might find places where we can shift our expectations in ways that make our lives easier. For example, expecting ourselves to create a healthy home-cooked meal every night after a full day of work, errands, or caring for an infant or toddler may be a bit excessive. We might allow ourselves to order in food once in a while without any guilt. Accepting the adjustments needed to make our lives work is an essential ingredient to being at peace with our situation.
At the end of the day, we must come to terms with changing what we can and accepting what we cannot change. Sometimes the laundry piles up, a sick child demands more of our attention than usual, and we temporarily get behind with our schedule. Accepting this momentary state of affairs and trusting in our ability to get back on track when the time is right, we gracefully accept our life as it is, letting go of perfectionism and embracing life as it stands.
I have felt absolutely sick this week. Lethargic, achy, sore, run down in general... but I have yet to take a day for myself. I can't. I remember my mom used to call them TLC days when we just needed a little extra TLC for ourselves, we could take a day off and recharge our batteries. At home, I have laundry to do, a kitchen to finish cleaning, vacuuming... and then I have to reclaim the basement, and pick up all the beads that K and M dumped out of their heart shaped jewelry case. About a thousand, I'm sure.
Of course, I also have to make dinner, take F to Football, pick F up from Football, and feed the kids. I also have to make sure that at least two of them get their showers tonight (they skipped out on them yesterday).
I'm worn out- physically, mentally, emotionally. I have barely slept, because I've been so frustrated over the fact that the money I thought I was going to be making hasn't been a reality for the past couple months. The economy sucks. Gas is expensive. I don't have time for anything, it seems. I'm just going to bed and waking up tired... I'm sleeping, but I'm tossing and turning.
Last night I had a weird dream, one of those vivid in color dreams. The ones where you remember details when you wake up. I always pay attention to these kind of dreams as the universe trying to tell me something. In the dream, a jealous woman pulled a gun on me. I take this to mean that I should be cautious in all my activities and figure someone out there is probably looking for an opportunity to stab me in the back/threaten me. Dreams like that (for me) are usually not far off in forewarning of the events about to unfold.
So my horoscope today, from DailyOm, was fitting.
August 13, 2008 Self-Care Comes First Aquarius Daily Horoscope
You may feel listless, which could be due to a lack of energy and motivation today. This lethargy could be the result of your either having overexerted yourself or not taking care of your own needs. Perhaps this would be a good time to make this a day just for you, listening to the calling of your innermost desires, wants, and hopes. Turning off the phone and unplugging from the world, you might try to do things that are healing and reenergizing—meditating, doing yoga, taking a soothing bath, or engaging in a hobby or activity that interests you. Try not to let the needs of others distract you for today is your day. Doing something just for yourself could make you feel a greater sense of well-being and increase the amount of energy you have.
When we take care of our own selves we put our energy into the most important aspect of our lives. While it might seem noble to do things for others, unless we are consciously attending to our needs, we will expend more energy than we have. Although the energy of the universe is unlimited, it is only accessible when we find a means to positively tap into it, and caring for ourselves lovingly and compassionately is the best way to do this. Taking the time to rest and care for yourself today will infuse your life with a greater amount of positive energy, which will make you more motivated and productive in the long run.
*********** So maybe the secret here is to pay attention. My to-do list isn't going anywhere. My life isn't going to get *less* stressful - unless by some miracle I win the lottery. I really want to sell some of my artwork again, but of course, to do that, I'd have to actually paint some more.
That might be a solution to de-stressing. Hm. A bottle of wine and my paintbrush. Something to consider for a late night pamper-fest.
I haven't picked up a paintbrush and touched it to a piece of canvas in almost a year. That's so sad.
I have a huge gallery wrapped piece of canvas just waiting for me to go to town on it. I'm going to be concentrating more on creating my art rather than meeting new people.
I've come to a conclusion, based on three conversations I had this weekend, from three completely different sources.
Here is what I've decided: 1. It's time to focus on what I really want in life, and stop helping others all the time. I have this tendency to help others more than myself. I've got to get over that. I think my friend Stephen said it best: "Audrey, you and I have always helped everyone else, only to get shit on when they make it". Many of my pieces of artwork are currently sitting in either a storage unit or my friend Renee's salon on Music Row. I gave her one, but the rest are supposed to be offered for sale (you know, little label next to them saying they are for sale)... and that hasn't happened yet...
I love helping people, so that part will be hard to curb, but it's time that I started helping myself and my kids first.
2. It's time to get focused. I just have to remember that it's me running this show. I can't expect anyone else to help me out. I'm up in PA with my kids and it's time for me to get this divorce finalized so I can really move on with my life. With my family gone, it's easy to get lonely and want to spend time with other people after the kids go to bed, but even when I do that, all that happens is I still end up lonely with a lighter wallet. It's probably best if I just retreat to the artistic hermit side of my personality instead of looking for people to hang out with (as much fun as that sometimes is!).
3. Dollar Dollar Bill Y'All. Money. The root of all evil, yet also the most necessary thing for providing the ability to feed your family. Yeah, I guess it's time that I really started concentrating more on bringing more dollars in, and having less go out. As much fun as going out with everyone is, I have larger goals in life than beer and a social life.
Of course, I probably will end up out at some point, but I'm shifting gears. The only thing that results from me going out is usually a lighter wallet and a groggy morning. I'd rather have a few friends come over and watch movies with me or I'll concentrate on making up batches of soap or painting something. After all, I can sell soap or a painting... I can't sell a groggy morning or a crazy night out.
I've had these strange weekends lately... where I just kind of go out because I don't like sitting by myself.
This weekend, I ended up having more fun and coming to a realization after a long conversation with someone I care about very much.
I went to the Toby Keith concert up at Montage mountain. My friends were opening up for him - first opening act... and I hadn't seen them since I left Nashville. I texted Vinny, was hoping to see them just to say hi. And while he kept texting back, he ended up being a total dickhead... the only one who was the nicest to me (and apparently had not grown a head the size of Texas) was Butter, who wasn't as close of a friend anyway. I was a little disappointed, a lot offended... but I was forewarned that Vinny's head had gotten bigger than he is... I just had to see it for myself. Oh well.
I ended up hanging out with my marine recruiter friend. He is such a good guy. I really do like him a lot. We just hung out, drank beer and that was about it. I ended up leaving the concert a little early, just to score a ride out to my car. Heels + Gravel parking lots are not a good mix.
I decided to head down towards wherever the work crowd was partying... after all, it was a Friday night! Donna let me know that half of the remaining crowd was at Senunas and she and two other people were at Hardware Bar.
I have never been to Hardware bar, but Senunas was on the way, so I stopped in there before. Coming from a country concert, I didn't think Hardware was going to be the type of place I'd feel comfortable in my jeans and v-neck top- complete with belt buckle necklace.
I ran into some friends from work there, but had a better time once I saw that they had a two man band up there, two acoustic guitars and these guys singing some great tunes. I decided to stick around and even got to sing one with them. We exchanged numbers and I was so happy to have found a music connection- and someone who knows COUNTRY up here in PA! :)
I came home, crashed into bed and woke up to the sound of the kids running around. I had talked to Jon a couple days before about coming to MD to visit, as he had invited me to come down- and when I mentioned it would be hard to get away without the kids, he told me to bring them down too... there was a pool at the new hotel he was at, and they would have a blast. I told him I would kind of leave it up in the air... and decide what I felt like doing later.
So, I decided to head down there on Saturday morning. We didn't actually get into town until like 5pm, because we didn't leave till after lunch. Jon had been out riding his bike, stopped at a bar, he found out we were in- but was about an hour away with some guys from work.
I told him to not sweat it, I was going to get the kids in the pool and just hang out, I would talk to him later, please be careful, etc. We had the key to the room and there were a lot of families out there, so I would be fine and would see him when he got back. I got a call around 8:30pm that he was staying down there for the night and would see me in the early morning- because he didn't really know where he was about an hour away and the guys had a couch he could crash on. I told him to be safe and I'd see him in the morning.
The kids were all tired from swimming, and curled up watching TV in the room... so I ended up venturing out front with a beer in my hand. The same families from the pool were barbecuing and playing country music. Ah, home.
They invited me to come on down (they were like 3 rooms down) and hanging in the parking lot, so I sat out with them for a while, laughing and singing along to some tunes.
A while later, one of the guys comes back with this OLD karaoke machine. I mean, OLD. Tape deck old. It was basically just a large tape deck with a microphone. He announces we're gonna all sing karaoke. Sweet!
Only thing is, we were singing redneck karaoke. There was no music. Just the microphone! Hahaa! It was so much fun though, and they got a kick out of my voice. One of the girls recorded "when you say nothing at all" on her cell phone, she sent it to her friends. I was asked why I wasn't in Nashville with "a voice like that". And then I shared my story with them, that I used to live there and just had to take care of the kids... I'll sing for fun until I can do something else with it. We had been singing country, rock, bluegrass and good ole southern gospel.
One of the guys, the "crab guy", mentioned he wanted to bring his amp and his guitar around the next night and wanted me to sing. I let him know I didn't think I would be there as I had to drive home for work. Around midnight, I was feeling tired, and went back inside to crash out with the kids.
Somewhere around 7am, Jon came in, said good morning, and I pretty much pointed and laughed at him. After a hug and some chit-chatting, he laid down and dozed off next to me. The kids started watching TV and then I got the "I'm Hungry" vocal chorus, so we all got up and decided where to head for breakfast.
We all went to this family owned diner across the way, at their buffet, came back and the kids wanted to swim. Jon wanted to rest. Rough night for him. As the kids got changed for the pool, and got their towels from the front porch/stoop we had a few moments of peace - he was stretched out on the bed, just lounging and he leaned in and said he was glad I came... and that he was sorry for being out all night. I told him not to sweat it, and explained how I had really enjoyed hanging out with his neighbors. He pulled me close next to him and gave me a kiss.
I should explain what it's like kissing this man. I mean, I love kissing. I'm like a serial kisser. But it is ALL different kissing this man. I could seriously never kiss anyone else again, if I could be promised his kisses for the rest of my life.
My stomach flip flops, there's an electrical charge that just resonates through me and the combination of our bodies pushed together, and the gentle vs frantic kiss just all kind of flows in unison. It's amazing kissing this man.
What's more amazing is that I wasn't really expecting it.
I think that these lyrics from Lady Antebellum have just played through my head for the past 48 hours...
I know that the bridges that I've burned along the way Have left me with these walls and these scars that won't go away And opening up has always been the hardest thing Until you came
So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known And I just can't take my eyes off you I just can't take my eyes off you
I love when you tell me that I'm pretty when I just woke up And I love how you tease me when I'm moody but it's never too much I'm falling fast, and the truth is I'm not scared at all You climbed my walls.
So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known And I just can't take my eyes off you I just can't take my eyes off you, off you, off you
So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go Oh, this feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known And I just can't take my eyes off you I just can't take my eyes off you
So I got back up, and composed myself. I had to remain in control of this situation, after all, I came down to see him as a friend... nothing more (at least that's the official stance).
I told him to get some rest, kissed him back just a peck, smiled... and got up. I told him that I'd just take the kids to the pool and he could catch a nap because we were going to head to Chuck E Cheese when they got hungry. Plus, he would need his energy for when I kicked his ass at Skeeball.
The kids swam again, and I hung out again with the families that were out the night before. They had a BLAST.
It wasn't much longer before they started to get tired of swimming and started talking about Chuck E Cheese, so I let them get out and we decided to go wake Jon up.
After stirring our friend who was sleeping like a hibernating bear, he reluctantly got out of bed and decided he was ready to get his butt kicked at Skeeball.
We got to the Chuck E Cheese and we got our lunch ordered and I pulled out the big bag of tokens I had been keeping for the kids to use. In addition to my bag, I also got some with our pizza and Jon bought some as well. We had TONS of tokens.
We decided to just go crazy with the games after we ate. I kicked his butt at Skeeball. He tried to cheat too! He really did, he climbed up when he realized I had beat him so bad, and slam dunked a 10,000 points... laughing the entire time. I laughed harder when the machine scoreboard read, "TILT".
The kids had a great time, and we collected all our tickets that we won, and left with 5 bags of cotton candy.
When we got back to the hotel, they all wanted to go swimming again. I was exhausted... told them to watch a tv show first and then we would go swimming yet again. As the kids watched Cartoon Network, Jon and I laid around watching with them. It was really nice just hanging out with him again.
When the kids were out in front of the room again, talking to the other kids they had been playing with and playing with the little toys they scored at Chuck E Cheese, he would sneak a kiss here and there. Then we just started talking about some of the things we really wanted in life, and I didn't let the conversation get too deep, simply because I'm letting him make all the decisions about where we go from here.
He's been the one to ask me to come, he's been the one to kiss me, he's been the one to pull me close. He's the one who is initiating everything. He's the one to call...
It was getting later, but the crab guy had just pulled in, and wanted me to sing with him... but he had work to do, so it turned out that I missed out on that. I got Jon and the kids dinner (Arby's and Burger King- and assortment!) and then we ate while it POURED outside.
When we were finishing up, the rain had let up a little too. There was the most amazing RAINBOW! Actually, it was a double rainbow, but it was the complete arch on both of them. One was so brilliant, and the other one was faded a bit, but it was so beautiful! Here are some pictures that don't do it justice.
As the evening was winding down, the clock was ticking. I forgot that I didn't have to work until 11am, but instead just had it in my head that I was going to have to be at work at 9am. So, around 8pm, I loaded everything in the car and got us all situated. The kids were in and out of the car, which was parked right in front of the room. I made everyone finish going to the bathroom and then I went in myself. As I was washing my hands, the bathroom door knocked lightly and then opened.
It was Jon, of course. He slipped into the bathroom with me, and wrapped his arms around me and gave me a huge kiss. Told me how good it was to see me, and that he was sorry again that he didn't make it back the night before. We talked a little about when we'd see each other again, just trying to quickly have 2-3 minutes with just us.
After a few more kisses, we left the bathroom and I got ready to head out back on the road.
Did I mention what his kisses do to my stomach? Oh, the flip flops were in full effect and a big cheesy grin was plastered on my face.
So we said our goodbyes, and I got on the road about 8:30. On the ride home, he called and we talked for a little while, but then I said goodnight.
I got home somewhere close to 12:30am. The kids and I stumbled in and all of us passed out cold. It was such a long weekend, but I'm so glad that I made it down there. It was worth the trip. He's talking about coming up here next.
I am planning on spending the next two weeks making this house even more homey looking. If he doesn't come this time, I will end up with a more homey house. I'm also going to set up my art studio downstairs. It's time I started painting again.
My creative outlets have been pent up for a while. I think I ju st needed a chance to figure out what I wanted and a friend to bounce my ideas off. I came back into PA with a fresh resolve, and a renewed spirit.
Life is going to be pretty mellow for a while... That's a good thing.
Lookin' For A Good Time(Dave Haywood / Charles Kelley / Hillary Scott / Keith Follese)
Girl you're beautiful You're bout near perfect But I bet somebody's already told you that Name your poison Name your passion Cause a boy like me just couldn't help but ask Keep on talking to me baby I'm hanging on your every word Keep those drinks a coming maybe We'll both get what we deserve
Chorus
How bout baby We make a promise To not promise anything more than one night Complicated situations Only get worse in the morning light Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time
Put in a long hard week doing this 9 to 5 And you're just the girl to get that off my mind You shouldn't 've worn that dress You shouldn't dance like that You got this little heart of mine in overdrive I sure love this conversation The band is good, the music's loud But would you get the wrong impression If I called us a cab right now
Repeat Chorus
Go ahead and lie to me and pull me close Tell me that you love me even if you don't The rule is don't you ever even talk about forever But you never say never in life
I think those four P's pretty much define my life.
My weekend was pretty much perfect. On Friday after work, I decided to meet up with my friends at the Arena Bar & Grill. I missed the happy hour specials but I didn't miss the food that the Arena Staff brought out for us (FREE!) in anticipation of their grand opening of METRO Bar & Grill in Shavertown, PA on August 6th. Donna blogged about it on the SC blog.
After a few of us moved the gathering from the patio to the inside bar, I ran into an old friend, Iggy, from when I worked at Entercom. He brought his friend with him and he was also hanging with two marines- in full dress. I'm a sucker for a man in uniform, and struck up a conversation with one of them.
He was really sweet and when it was time for me to head to my next location- my friend Crazy Chris' 35th Birthday party at Spurs, I mentioned he should try and head up that way and we could continue our conversation. He guaranteed me that he would show up.
On my way out the door, I also met someone from Nashville! Go figure! As I was walking out, this guy in a big southern drawl said, “What, you're leaving us already without saying hello first?”
That had me laughing, so I stopped to chat with him and his friends. As it turns out, they were part of Kyle Busch's pit crew team. I had forgotten that it was a POCONO NASCAR race weekend. Even cooler still, this guy used to manage Silverados, in Nashville... and used to come up to Demonbreun when I was managing LongShot.. plus he was a regular at Tin Roof!
In fifteen minutes, we ended up discussing Nashville like long lost friends. The guys were staying at a hotel on the way to Spurs, and were waiting on a cab. I told them that there was no way I was going to make them take a cab, I would just drop them off at the hotel as it was five minutes down the road and on my way to my birthday party anyway. They were so excited to have found Southern hospitality in Northeastern Pennsylvania.
We joked around for a little as we sat on the patio by their room and I got to see their jumpsuits for work the next morning. I asked if anyone wanted to come to the party at Spurs with me, but they said they had an early morning. So instead, they told me I should do a burnout on my way out of the parking lot. I laughed and said I wouldn't even know how to do one because I had never done one before. They laughed at me and told me exactly how.
Now, I should explain that in an attempt to save money on gas, I didn't take my newer Honda Pilot that night, I was driving my old TN car- my 1991 Honda Civic Hatchback. They joked about my car and I told them they could fix it for me if they ever wanted to tinker with it! They could “Pimp My Car”. I said my good-byes, they said thank you again and again, I got phone numbers to stay in touch and got into my car, rolled down my window, and did a burn out on the way out of the parking lot. Just a little one.
So I puttered along on my way to Spurs, chuckling to myself about my crazy luck and silly adventures. I always meet some of the most interesting people when I go out! As I pulled into the parking lot of Spurs, my friend Jenn was waiting for me to go inside.
At Spurs, I saw all my friends and wished Crazy Chris a very happy birthday. I wasn't there long enough to take more than one sip on my Coors Light, when I got a tap on the shoulder. Guess who showed up??? The Marine!
I was really surprised, and I think it showed. We posed for a picture.
I introduced him to just about everyone I knew, and we continued our conversation that we had started earlier. We danced, and hung out and just had a great time together. When the bar started emptying out and it was past "last call", has asked me if I would like to have breakfast at the diner down the street.
I agreed, and told him I would have to make it kind of quick because I had to drive to Philadelphia in the morning, but that I would love to. So we went to Eddie's in Wilkes Barre. Over eggs, toast and bacon, we talked about lots of things, including parenting and standing your own ground when it came to parenting after divorce. I told him I was going to have to implement some of his ideas.
I went home, crashed, and then woke up in time to finish getting everyone's stuff in the car and the kids in the car and then we all drove down to Philadelphia so they could meet up with their dad.
The drive down was relatively uneventful. Lots of rain, not much traffic. I dropped off the kids, got a gift from F of Philly pretzels from the airport (which I gave most to the kids) and turned around and headed back north.
On the way back, I saw not one, but TWO really bad accidents. The first, there was a car that flipped over. The second, the car hit the side of the mountain. Yeah, both were not great accidents, although the second looked a lot better than the first- the people in the car weren't hurt in the second one (at least they didn't appear to be anything more than rattled).
I spent most of the ride home listening to music and trying to find out what I was going to do for Saturday night.
I called my friend Sam, to see what his plans were. He was lost too. I told him to come on in, we'd figure something out and then he could stay and play Paintball on Sunday. He was jazzed about Paintball, as he'd never played before, so he said he would head in that afternoon.
When I got home from my ride from Philly, I straightened up my room, cleaned up the house a little, then I took a nap. I knew Sam was on his way, so I jumped in the shower to get ready for a night out.
He got in really early. His car was outside on my street as I was just getting out of the shower. I yelled down to tell him I would be out in a second, and that he could sit on the couch if he wanted, but he was just going to wait in the car... then he called me on my cell and told me I didn't have to yell... and made fun of me for doing it the redneck way.
He was hungry, so we went to River Grille for some grub. It was early, only like 4:30pm. There were only a few people in the bar, so we sat down, shared an appetizer and started pondering what to do with the night. The specials sounded really good, but the side dish of horseradish mashed potatoes really sounded amazing. We decided to see a movie, as I wanted to see Dark Knight, so we ordered a side dish of the horseradish mashed potatoes to go... and drove to the movie theater with about 10 minutes to spare.
We ate it on the way. It was amazing.
I know if you have read my blog that you have read about my infatuation with Heath Ledger. He was simply amazing in this movie. I really forgot for a while that he was Heath Ledger. That is pretty amazing acting too. The movie was freaking awesome! It had everything... a great plot, twists, turns, characters played by actors who literally did a mind meld... action, adventure... awesome.
Sam likes to gamble. Hell, I met the guy in Atlantic City at a craps table. So, I figured I would take him to see the new Mohegan Sun in town. I hadn't yet been to the new building, so I wanted to check it out too. We signed up for players club cards, got $10 to play with free, so we played. I left with $7, Sam left with $37. Of course, part of what he left with was what I won... yeah, I picked the machine, I pulled the lever... and eh... we split some of it since he was buying the drinks.
So, then... we went to Olive Garden for our dinner. I had a $25 gift card, he picked up the tip. I got to take home a bunch of leftovers.
I fell asleep almost immediately upon getting home, even though we were back at the house by 11. I was exhausted from my night before, and then just being busy all day. My alarm went off at 7:30am, because it was time for paintball. I pulled on my overalls and woke Sam up. We loaded up and met up with the Cacti Crew.
We jumped in Clay's SUV and followed Kevin, Keith and Ben up to Skirmish. Donna was waiting for us. Our fun day ended up with lots of paint being splattered on all sorts of trees, people and buildings at Skirmish. Our team (GO TAN team!) won EVERY round. It was fantastic.
Here we are at the end of our day:
This is me and Donna before everything!
When we were finished, all of us were sore, but we went to Whiskey Business for two beers and cheap dinner. It was delicious bar food.
I got home around 9pm, jumped into the shower and right into bed (after inspecting for paintball bruises)... It was a wonderful, long, eventful weekend, filled with parenting, partying, pleasure (hey, I had fun!) and pain (ow, paintball!).
I wish more weekends could be so fun and fancy free!
