random thoughts, very personal and long.

I don't know what to write today, but I know it's been a long time since I have written.

Because of that, I'll warn you in advance that I'm probably going to ramble.

I'm still coughing. Getting over a sinus infection, on antibiotics and in general, I want to sleep. I feel like crap. No energy today.
I'm sitting here, hanging at the house with the kids, and the sun has finally come out.
They're watching movies and playing playstation.

My best friend from High School just called me to check in, and damn it, I missed talking with her. However, because of what my state of mind is like, I found myself talking about Jon again.

I've tried dating. It's not working for me. I mean, don't get me wrong. People want to date me. I have offers, but I'm not always interested. I have fun going out when I do see people, and have even attempted to date someone recently. I find that it's always more of me wishing that the other person was Jon. I keep trying to find a substitute for him, but the sad thing is that there just isn't one out there.

His main concern is having someone who will be able to travel with him. I told him that it's silly, he doesn't travel, he just works in random places for extended periods of time. I also told him that if he wanted a life together, we could do that. We could make things work out where we could have time together and time with the kids. He's wants all these things individually, but doesn't see how mixing them all together makes a much better end result.

For instance, you can have all these ingredients for a cake that are good things, but when you mix the batter and bake it, you get cake - a better end result than just having flour, milk and an egg separately.

It's pathetic, really. I am officially pathetically in love with a man who loves me, but doesn't want to allow himself to be loved. He's been hurt, I understand that. In the end, the best end result would be us together with our children, our bar, our lives intertwined... but if that doesn't happen for whatever reason, I will be happy for him if he finds happiness elsewhere.

I just have to wonder if I will be happy for myself if I find happiness elsewhere. I have to trust God that I will.

I'm feeling exceptionally punchy today because this time of year marks ONE year since we told each other we loved each other. And here we are, still in love, but not together.
It hurts. To say it any differently would be lying.

And we both have tried to move on. I've tried harder this summer and fall especially.

I was talking with my friend Keith about life. We were having one of our weird conversations that starts out all lighthearted and then ends up in some deep area of conversation pretty rapidly, and it occured to me that Keith is one of very few people who knows me so well - who I feel able to discuss the things that go on in my head, things I've done, things I wish I've done, etc., without feeling like I'm going to be judged for what is heard. And truthfully, that kind of friendship is very healthy for me. He knows all my vices (past and present) and likes hanging out with me anyway.

**there was a knock at the door, it was the nun from the school who came by to grab the social studies book and the bag of uniforms. I'm sick, so obviously still in my pjs - a t-shirt and boxers. Lovely. **

So my random thought stream was just interrupted.

At this point I have to ask myself, do I really still love Jon, or do I love the idea of loving Jon? I dissect my feelings for him so many times over because I want to be clear about what it is that we have or don't have.

So many friends of mine have told me that I should just move on. I have to agree with them, to a point, because I've tried to do just that. At what point of a relationship do you either sever the ties completely- as in not being friends, not being lovers, but going back to being strangers? Is that what it will have to be if we're not together? Would that be hard for me or healthy for me?

This is the pursuit of a life with no regrets, so I feel like I should give it a try and see what the possibility is for Jon and I before closing that door completely, locking it and throwing away the key. Deep in my soul there's a reason for our connection. Something is there... I just can't deny it or walk away just yet.

At least I know I'm not imagining it. At least I know he feels the same way.

I'm being about as lazy as lazy gets today, trying to rest my body and soul. I'm seriously contemplating meditation right now... for peace and possible answers.

I bought this great Tarot set that I loved about 6 months ago. I got them, took them out of the box, put them and the explanation booklet into the little black bag that came with the set and they disappeared. As in completely. I have not been able to find them. I didn't do ONE reading with them. Not one. I keep wondering if they will turn up at some point. All boxes have been emptied, and I bought them after I was living here. It's like they vanished right into thin air.

It was the World Spirit Tarot deck from Llewellyn.

I'm looking for answers. I'm looking for direction... but the right direction. The one that will lead me to fulfilling my purpose here. The one that will inevitably lead to me having a companion in life that I can share my life with. I want normalcy again, for myself and for my children. I'm doing a pretty good job of creating that on my own, but I'm lacking personally in having that someone else to talk to about my day, or to curl up on the couch with at night. The person who would handle life if I got sick, or baby me when I was. I want to be taken care of, I want to be provided for (just like I would provide for them, equally).

And now my blog rambling has reached a point where I'm no longer comfortable posting more. It's simply gotten too personal. I'm debating putting this whole post right in the delete pile.

My inner thoughts and desires, revealed.

I've thought a lot about an old friend of mine recently. My friend B, who pulled me aside in February of last year, and very seriously told me that she was officially "husband hunting". When I laughed she explained that she was tired of dating, her ex husband had moved on, she wasn't getting any younger and she wanted to assure herself the style of living she was used to, as well as security and companionship for the rest of her life and for her children. It made sense to me, but I couldn't believe she was serious. I know how serious she is. She completed her mission and was engaged before the year was out to a longtime friend of hers, and got married early this year. She's happy, he's happy. Her kids are happy. I think about that a lot. Maybe it's time I officially went "husband hunting".

Well, I am off to take a nap, and let these antibiotics do their magic. My body is weak and sore today. My mind is obviously rambling at full speed.

Here's to dreaming I'm in Europe... wandering around the streets of Florence, or sipping red wine in a small cafe. Or a pub crawl through Ireland... and visiting castles and countrysides in Scotland. Who knows... we'll see where my dreams take me.

I dreamt about Jon earlier, that's what kicked off the day. I dreamt of him IMing me telling me that "the mad face on his profile was because things with Melissa didn't work out again and it was a mad face at her". Is that completely weird? I hesitate to contact him, because I know the rules of engagement at this point in time. Still, I find it odd. Forgot about that until I started thinking about my dreams.

Ok, bye for now.