I realize that I haven't really posted much. I haven't written many of my deep thoughts up here for a while. The tarot card readings posted does not a blog make.
I understand that.
I haven't had much to share in the way of my personal life, mainly because, well, I've felt like keeping it all to myself. I'm not sure if that's a privacy thing or if it's just a thing that I've needed for me to deal with things on my own.
I also know that my friends can read this- and what's worse, the people that aren't my friends. So I have protected myself a little bit more and not shared much of what I've most definitely wanted to scream from the rooftops on some days.
But I'm going to try again. I'm going to attempt to clear out some of the cobwebs in my mind and write again. I can't guarantee it will be good, but I am going to at least try- for the sake of a possible growth thing.
What you write, lasts for a long time
I didn't realize how going back over the past several years of blogging and reading each one brought me right back to the moments that I had almost forgotten. I also think it's funny because there are a lot of similarities even now with some of the same situations, but yet, the tables have turned a bit.
It may be time to update some of those.
The Jon Update.
You know, I'm almost ashamed at how much space this man has taken up in all my blogs. But, I can say that I'm thankful for the experience. Jon and I have gone through an emotional roller coaster in the past few years, and I stepped off the ride this year.
Around May, we went out as friends and got in our usual groove of having a great time together. We then sat on his front porch and had a conversation, where he explained to me that while he cared for me and still loved me, he didn't think he could be a part of my life because he couldn't handle the fact that I had four children. I scoffed at that and explained to him that there was no way that he could blame the kids for his bullshit excuses and that he knew when he met me that the kids came first no matter what, and that they were an extension of me - so that was the lamest excuse in the world for him not doing anything about it, and I wasn't going to stand for my kids to be the scapegoats for his immaturity.
He apologized and I left. We didn't talk much during June or July... or even August. Around September, he needed some help from me as a friend, and I was willing to give it. We've gotten back to being just friends, and nothing more. At this point, I explained to him that the "thrill is gone". I don't love him like I used to. I don't want a future with him. I don't want anything more than friendship from him. NOTHING.
It came to a head last week too. We went out running a few Christmas errands, and then stopped by for a few beers on the way home. I went to drop him off and he started talking about how he still loved me. I stopped him RIGHT THERE and explained that it was unfair of him to start in on the same old shit again and again because he sure as hell wasn't going to do anything about it and that I didn't want him to anyway. I explained that there was a time I would have moved mountains for him if I could have, but that he lost that opportunity every time he decided to show up in my life, then pull away. I got used to the fact that he wasn't going to be there, and I moved on.
It was a very healthy closure-type conversation for me, and in it, I referenced another friend of mine who reminded me to "never settle"... and laughed - in mid-emotional conversation - because I truly took that lesson to heart, and had just applied it.
So that's it for Jon, I don't think he'll be making a blog appearance much in 2011. I'd like to leave him behind in 2010. He'll always be a friend, but I think even that line is going to slowly fade with time.
I'm in a relationship with myself.
Part of me wants to start singing The Divinyls... because I laugh when I say the above sentence. It's true though. I've decided, after doling out relationship advice earlier this year to the friend who reminded me to "never settle", to take my own advice that I gave to him.
What did I say? "You can't love anyone else until you can truly love yourself". That's just it. I love me, and I know it, but I'm really working on strengthening the bond that I have with myself because it's what really matters. I also figure that if I concentrate on myself and my spirituality, then God will send me someone to complete the picture in His own timing.
I've done a lot of reading, praying, searching... and it's funny, I seem to all fall right along the same path over and over again. I know what I'm looking for, and what's really interesting is that in reading my older blogs, I've seen that the things I asked for back then, have begun to apply in my life at this moment. Nothing's written in stone, but the fact that I knew what I wanted then, and some of the friendships I have now, they're following that righteous path.
It's because I applied some of my life lessons. It's because I love myself more now and I'll keep loving myself more every day.
Christmas, New Years, Another Year Older
I simply can't believe that 2010 is wrapping up. Ten days left. I truly don't know where this whole year has gone. I have a small calendar book that I write events in on occasion, and I was flipping through that last night, in preparation for the lunar eclipse, thinking about the winter solstice is usually a time for reflection on the years events... and I think about the things that I have accomplished this year.
I have most definitely met some of my goals.
I moved across the country, to provide a better education for my children, a better quality of life for them, and a less stressful financial situation for me.
My mother and I started working together making and selling soaps and candles by revamping a company that I used to own.
My children are happy, healthy and know they are loved.
The people I choose to keep around me are positive, loving and respectful.
There's men in my life, but none in a way that would detract from my goals of finding a partner. I value myself more than I did when I was first divorced.
I recite quotes from the Steve Harvey book that I wrote about ages ago. "Boys Shack, Men Make Homes". I'm holding out for the man I'm supposed to meet to complete our family.
This coming year, I'll be turning 33. I look at that number and for me, it holds so much meaning. Jesus died when he was 33. What can I do in this next year to make it memorable? What can I begin to do so that I can leave a lasting, positive impression on the world? Jesus completed his mission at 33, I look for ways to continually improve mine at 33.
Body Art and Thoughts
I don't think I mentioned it here before, after reading through my old blogs, but back in July, I decided to add to my body art. I had the word "believe." tattooed on the inner side of my right wrist in a brown color.
"believe." - is a statement on my wrist.
It's written so that when I put my head in my hands, I have to see it and be reminded that I'm not running the show here.
I have it there to remind me to believe in myself, to believe in God, to believe in love (especially on those days that I'm feeling lonely), to believe in all the good things that are in my life and to believe that no matter what, it will all work out in the end.
For me, the statement is emotional, physical and spiritual. It's the best tattoo I've ever gotten.
The memory of the day that I was getting it is also something I cherish. My friend and I were having breakfast while I was visiting Nashville. He had mentioned wanting to have his ex's name blacked out of where it was on his arm in the past, and we were talking about tattoos over eggs and bacon. I mentioned that I had wanted another one, and that I knew what I was going to get, but I just hadn't had the time to really look into it, or even know what it would cost me. By the time we finished our plates, we decided to take a trip over to the tattoo shop to ask about the pricing for each of our desired ink.
As we waited, we joked about silly things and laughed. When we both got our quotes, they were low enough that I said that I would even pay for both of ours because it would make me smile knowing that he would be smiling from accomplishing his goal, he'd think of that day when he looked at it- and that it would make me laugh knowing that we both did something so absolutely silly as getting tattooed right after a breakfast conversation.
So we did. He took a video of his tattoo experience, and one of mine as well (though I don't have the video- and that reminds me to ask him for it so that I can keep the file), but after we were both bandaged up, we laughed and giggled about it for the next hour or two over lunch and a few beers.
It was a fun, fun day, though I would not suggest to anyone to pick the inner wrist as a tattoo spot- of the three tattoos, that one was by far the most painful. Glad it's over and done.
Wrapping it up
So there ya have it. I'm trying my best to blog a little bit more. I'm going to try and remember to do more of it in the coming year as well. I really appreciate all the things that I've been able to go back and read that I nearly forgot about, so I figure that even if it's just "for me", I'm going to make a concerted effort to post more, and think about who's reading it less. I love to write, and it's how I work through many of my emotions, so I'm going to do it.
In addition, I was having a conversation with one of my friends about the fact that I was an English major all those years ago, and yet, I have dumbed down my language so much in the past ten years that I don't get to use all the beautiful words that I loved so much. I'm not sure if the simplicity of my word choices came from having children and speaking to them in words they could understand more easily or if it was a result of just not surrounding myself with intellectuals as much. It may be a combination of both. I'd like to work on playing with word complexity again in 2011. Let's take the average grade level of my blog up a notch.
That is all for tonight, I'm exhausted and I must turn in. Tomorrow, I drive from Indiana to Fort Lauderdale, FL after a day of packing, cleaning and the rest of my daily life. I'm excited to see family, celebrate Christmas and I really hope that I don't forget to put the presents under the tree before I leave. How is this Santa thing going to work when I have all the kids??? Damn it, I have to wrap things tomorrow too. Oh joy.
Goodnight, readers.
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