Maybe This Time..

I've been quiet. I know I have. I find that when I go through a rough patch, I isolate myself, so that I can really feel my way through my emotions rather than saying something I might regret later. I become an emotional hermit, and my creative energy builds and builds until I explode and am forced to create art again, write again, open myself up again. I have to open myself up and put my heart once again out there on the line.

I've had a day full of unbelievable thoughts, thought processes and ultimately it was just overwhelming. I wouldn't call it anxiety or depression, because it's more like this intensity that's building and building, and I have repressed these feelings or thought that maybe I didn't deserve them, or that somehow I shouldn't trust it. All of which at this point, makes no sense. I know I deserve it, I know I should trust it, and now I just have to know if the feelings are still mutual. One look in his eyes tells me that it is, but we've both been so hurt, we've both been so scarred over the years and it's just so hard to really let that go and trust enough to take that leap together.

On one hand, I just want to do it and see where it goes. Take a leap into the physical side of things to go "all in". Explore this person's body, after we have already touched the depths of each others souls... Yes, that sounds so wonderful...

And it would be, except, months ago, I stopped him from crossing that line with me. Months ago, I put a wall up around the physical side of things. Then, just as we began to break that wall down, we had a falling out over a stupid misunderstanding for a couple months, and both our feelings were hurt. It was then that I realized just how much I loved him. It was then that I realized that while I could live without him in my life, the pain was so great that I didn't want to. It was then, that I knew I was in trouble, because he was already so much more to me than just my friend.

I saw him for the first time since our argument this past weekend. We had "spoken" through emails and texts to arrange it, but it was the first time I was able to talk to him in person. The first time I was able to say "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings" in person. We had fun. We apologized to each other, and then we sat together and drank beer and sang along to music and we had fun. He came home with me that night when the weather made it awful for him to leave, and we slept next to each other just like we had done many times before. Before bed, we stayed up and chatted a little bit more about life and it was as if nothing had changed for a while. When we turned out the lights, he didn't hold my hand like he used to, but I didn't reach out for his either. I simply laid there, and then quietly said, "Hey."

I got a "Yeah?" in response.
Then I said, "I just want to say how much I really missed you. I want to tell you again, in person, laying here, that I never in a million years would intentionally want to hurt your feelings, and I'm sorry that I did. I missed you so much and it's good to see you again."
His response, "I know, it's good to see you again too".
Me: "Goodnight"
Him: "Goodnight"

You could have cut the sexual tension with a knife.
Both of us feel the same way, but we don't reach out for one another.

I decide that as I close my eyes, the next time I see him, I'm laying one on him. This was enough of a move forward for tonight.

In the morning, we lay in bed, joke around like we always have, listen to the kids talking in the other room, and I get up to make breakfast when it seems like the kids were reaching that point of no return. He comes out to say hello to them, and they maul him. They missed him so much. I make us all breakfast, he gets dressed, we talk a little about plans for this coming week, and he promises the kids he'll be back this weekend. I get dressed and get ready to take him back to his car.

I know now that I don't just love him, but I'm absolutely in love with him. This is dangerous territory for me. I've known him for years, but we grew closer over the past 8 months. The worst part about our fight is that it happened 2 days after he told me he loved me for the first time- and I reciprocated the feeling.

So it's been three days since that night.
And I've had ridiculous amounts of feelings pop up that I've repressed and shoved down for two months. Now, all the feelings I had back in August are back, in full force, and not thrilled that I tried to deny them for two months. Having this depth of feeling and not being able to do anything about it until this weekend is ab