Thoughts and Such.

A re-introduction to blogging.

I realize that I haven't really posted much. I haven't written many of my deep thoughts up here for a while. The tarot card readings posted does not a blog make.

I understand that.

I haven't had much to share in the way of my personal life, mainly because, well, I've felt like keeping it all to myself. I'm not sure if that's a privacy thing or if it's just a thing that I've needed for me to deal with things on my own.

I also know that my friends can read this- and what's worse, the people that aren't my friends. So I have protected myself a little bit more and not shared much of what I've most definitely wanted to scream from the rooftops on some days.

But I'm going to try again. I'm going to attempt to clear out some of the cobwebs in my mind and write again. I can't guarantee it will be good, but I am going to at least try- for the sake of a possible growth thing.

What you write, lasts for a long time

I didn't realize how going back over the past several years of blogging and reading each one brought me right back to the moments that I had almost forgotten. I also think it's funny because there are a lot of similarities even now with some of the same situations, but yet, the tables have turned a bit.

It may be time to update some of those.

The Jon Update.

You know, I'm almost ashamed at how much space this man has taken up in all my blogs. But, I can say that I'm thankful for the experience. Jon and I have gone through an emotional roller coaster in the past few years, and I stepped off the ride this year.

Around May, we went out as friends and got in our usual groove of having a great time together. We then sat on his front porch and had a conversation, where he explained to me that while he cared for me and still loved me, he didn't think he could be a part of my life because he couldn't handle the fact that I had four children. I scoffed at that and explained to him that there was no way that he could blame the kids for his bullshit excuses and that he knew when he met me that the kids came first no matter what, and that they were an extension of me - so that was the lamest excuse in the world for him not doing anything about it, and I wasn't going to stand for my kids to be the scapegoats for his immaturity.

He apologized and I left. We didn't talk much during June or July... or even August. Around September, he needed some help from me as a friend, and I was willing to give it. We've gotten back to being just friends, and nothing more. At this point, I explained to him that the "thrill is gone". I don't love him like I used to. I don't want a future with him. I don't want anything more than friendship from him. NOTHING.

It came to a head last week too. We went out running a few Christmas errands, and then stopped by for a few beers on the way home. I went to drop him off and he started talking about how he still loved me. I stopped him RIGHT THERE and explained that it was unfair of him to start in on the same old shit again and again because he sure as hell wasn't going to do anything about it and that I didn't want him to anyway. I explained that there was a time I would have moved mountains for him if I could have, but that he lost that opportunity every time he decided to show up in my life, then pull away. I got used to the fact that he wasn't going to be there, and I moved on.

It was a very healthy closure-type conversation for me, and in it, I referenced another friend of mine who reminded me to "never settle"... and laughed - in mid-emotional conversation - because I truly took that lesson to heart, and had just applied it.

So that's it for Jon, I don't think he'll be making a blog appearance much in 2011. I'd like to leave him behind in 2010. He'll always be a friend, but I think even that line is going to slowly fade with time.

I'm in a relationship with myself.

Part of me wants to start singing The Divinyls... because I laugh when I say the above sentence. It's true though. I've decided, after doling out relationship advice earlier this year to the friend who reminded me to "never settle", to take my own advice that I gave to him.

What did I say? "You can't love anyone else until you can truly love yourself". That's just it. I love me, and I know it, but I'm really working on strengthening the bond that I have with myself because it's what really matters. I also figure that if I concentrate on myself and my spirituality, then God will send me someone to complete the picture in His own timing.

I've done a lot of reading, praying, searching... and it's funny, I seem to all fall right along the same path over and over again. I know what I'm looking for, and what's really interesting is that in reading my older blogs, I've seen that the things I asked for back then, have begun to apply in my life at this moment. Nothing's written in stone, but the fact that I knew what I wanted then, and some of the friendships I have now, they're following that righteous path.

It's because I applied some of my life lessons. It's because I love myself more now and I'll keep loving myself more every day.

Christmas, New Years, Another Year Older

I simply can't believe that 2010 is wrapping up. Ten days left. I truly don't know where this whole year has gone. I have a small calendar book that I write events in on occasion, and I was flipping through that last night, in preparation for the lunar eclipse, thinking about the winter solstice is usually a time for reflection on the years events... and I think about the things that I have accomplished this year.

I have most definitely met some of my goals.

I moved across the country, to provide a better education for my children, a better quality of life for them, and a less stressful financial situation for me.

My mother and I started working together making and selling soaps and candles by revamping a company that I used to own.

My children are happy, healthy and know they are loved.

The people I choose to keep around me are positive, loving and respectful.

There's men in my life, but none in a way that would detract from my goals of finding a partner. I value myself more than I did when I was first divorced.

I recite quotes from the Steve Harvey book that I wrote about ages ago. "Boys Shack, Men Make Homes". I'm holding out for the man I'm supposed to meet to complete our family.

This coming year, I'll be turning 33. I look at that number and for me, it holds so much meaning. Jesus died when he was 33. What can I do in this next year to make it memorable? What can I begin to do so that I can leave a lasting, positive impression on the world? Jesus completed his mission at 33, I look for ways to continually improve mine at 33.

Body Art and Thoughts

I don't think I mentioned it here before, after reading through my old blogs, but back in July, I decided to add to my body art. I had the word "believe." tattooed on the inner side of my right wrist in a brown color.

"believe." - is a statement on my wrist.

It's written so that when I put my head in my hands, I have to see it and be reminded that I'm not running the show here.

I have it there to remind me to believe in myself, to believe in God, to believe in love (especially on those days that I'm feeling lonely), to believe in all the good things that are in my life and to believe that no matter what, it will all work out in the end.

For me, the statement is emotional, physical and spiritual. It's the best tattoo I've ever gotten.

The memory of the day that I was getting it is also something I cherish. My friend and I were having breakfast while I was visiting Nashville. He had mentioned wanting to have his ex's name blacked out of where it was on his arm in the past, and we were talking about tattoos over eggs and bacon. I mentioned that I had wanted another one, and that I knew what I was going to get, but I just hadn't had the time to really look into it, or even know what it would cost me. By the time we finished our plates, we decided to take a trip over to the tattoo shop to ask about the pricing for each of our desired ink.

As we waited, we joked about silly things and laughed. When we both got our quotes, they were low enough that I said that I would even pay for both of ours because it would make me smile knowing that he would be smiling from accomplishing his goal, he'd think of that day when he looked at it- and that it would make me laugh knowing that we both did something so absolutely silly as getting tattooed right after a breakfast conversation.

So we did. He took a video of his tattoo experience, and one of mine as well (though I don't have the video- and that reminds me to ask him for it so that I can keep the file), but after we were both bandaged up, we laughed and giggled about it for the next hour or two over lunch and a few beers.

It was a fun, fun day, though I would not suggest to anyone to pick the inner wrist as a tattoo spot- of the three tattoos, that one was by far the most painful. Glad it's over and done.

Wrapping it up

So there ya have it. I'm trying my best to blog a little bit more. I'm going to try and remember to do more of it in the coming year as well. I really appreciate all the things that I've been able to go back and read that I nearly forgot about, so I figure that even if it's just "for me", I'm going to make a concerted effort to post more, and think about who's reading it less. I love to write, and it's how I work through many of my emotions, so I'm going to do it.

In addition, I was having a conversation with one of my friends about the fact that I was an English major all those years ago, and yet, I have dumbed down my language so much in the past ten years that I don't get to use all the beautiful words that I loved so much. I'm not sure if the simplicity of my word choices came from having children and speaking to them in words they could understand more easily or if it was a result of just not surrounding myself with intellectuals as much. It may be a combination of both. I'd like to work on playing with word complexity again in 2011. Let's take the average grade level of my blog up a notch.

That is all for tonight, I'm exhausted and I must turn in. Tomorrow, I drive from Indiana to Fort Lauderdale, FL after a day of packing, cleaning and the rest of my daily life. I'm excited to see family, celebrate Christmas and I really hope that I don't forget to put the presents under the tree before I leave. How is this Santa thing going to work when I have all the kids??? Damn it, I have to wrap things tomorrow too. Oh joy.

Goodnight, readers.

Quiet Reflection

I've been fairly silent lately on this blog, but that's mainly because the things I've been thinking, I've wanted to keep to myself.

My quiet reflection was necessary to deal with a lot that was going on in my life. Necessary to keep it offline, necessary to keep the whole situation private.

I've had some moments of reflection, some moments of pain, some moments of heartbreak, moments of loss, moments of happiness... and just some moments that blew me away.

Recently, I have overcome a lot of the hurt that I went through, and have seemed to patch some of it up. The verdict is still out on whether it's patched for good or just taped over...

I'd like to believe that it's stitched up, and that the wound is still healing. I think that at the very least it's a start in the right direction. Life's about experiences after all, and some of them are going to suck, for lack of a better word choice.

Here's the thing, I have this overall belief that people are good. I've often called it "Anne Frank Syndrome", because in even seemingly the worst of people, I try to find their little spark of light. Because of this "character flaw" of mine, I've been subjected to the realization that not only are some people's intentions not pure, but most often I get hurt as a result of just being open and honest about who I am.

Now, it's not that I don't know there are bad people in this world, I just like to give them a chance.

So, what have I learned from this year's experiences?

I'm taking the time on this winter's solstice to think about it and blog about it.

January - I learned that some men want a relationship to remain in a hypothetical potential.

February - I learned that solitude and moving somewhere for the benefit of my children was the best move that I could make.

March - Girlfriends make you laugh, and help you get over relationships that fail- as well as kickstart your workout routine. Fresh air and hiking in the park does wonders for your legs and butt, but also has the added bonus of being pretty relaxing.

April - Going back to a day job after many moons of being unemployed or self-employed is a major adjustment. Also, old friends often have really good advice- "Never settle."

May - Sometimes even after a relationship is over, feelings linger on both sides of the fence. Especially when you have a good time hanging out with that person.

June - Friendships blossom in the warm summer air just like flowers do. Sometimes they turn out to be sweeter than you could have imagined.

July - Summer is HOT in Southern Indiana. Our "heat wave" lasted for about 30 days with temperatures in the 100s.

August- Just when you've let down the last wall you've built around your heart and soul, someone will come along and sucker punch you.

September - School starts, work sucks, you're trying to survive with an Emmy winning smile plastered on your face when it feels like God's playing a huge practical joke on you. The pain is so fresh, but so is the plaster on the new fortress you're building to protect your raw emotions.

October - The building of the new fortress is complete, and beginning to harden. You forgive, but you don't forget. Life seems to begin to move on, but the pain still creeps up on you when you least expect it.

November - Starts off fairly the same as October, with one interesting wrench thrown in. It seems that there has been contact after nearly two months of none.

December - Someone offers a peace treaty. Then another person offers a peace treaty. As much as you try and question it, the opportunity to look that person in the eyes is enough to realize that it's valid and binding. Healing can perhaps take place. The glimmer of hope is still there.

You realize that people don't have these types of emotions unless they've also been hurt before. Somehow you feel that there's a common thread in that pain. Conversations occur, as they used to, and somewhere, there's a healing moment that seems to begin to fix it all.

Plans are beginning to be made again, life seems to be moving back to that normal pace, and you're still questioning if it's alright to believe in this person again.

I still don't want this one published.

Winter Solstice Reading... Hm.

The Fool In the Cover position Indicates the querent in relationship to the present situation. Meaning: The Fool’s message is simple: now is the time to take a leap of faith, trusting that the universe will provide for you. This is not the time to follow anyone else’s advice or to yield to society’s notion of appropriate behavior. Don’t be afraid to take risks, even if they seem impractical or foolish. Taking risks does not mean ignoring real dangers. Return to Top

Judgement In the Cross position Represents the positive forces or assets in the querent's favor. If this card should happen to be a negative card, it indicates the nature of an obstacles that is hindering progress. (The card in this position is always interpreted in its upright manner.) Meaning: You stand at the threshold of a great change. Yet this change awaits something before it can happen—maybe a crucial decision on your part, or the arrival of a piece of important information. You have the potential now to be reborn into a more meaningful existence. Will you heed this call to awaken? Return to Top

Nine of Swords In the Beneath position Can be viewed as a message from the "higher self." It can also reflect the querent's potential aspirations. Meaning: In the Nine of Swords we confront our deepest fears. Worry winds tendrils around your heart, tighter and tighter, until you can hardly breathe. Terrifying visions make your mind your worst enemy. The anxiety can keep you up at night and even make you feel like you’re going crazy. Your concerns may be for yourself or they may be for a loved one. Either way, most of the dangers exist only within your mind. Beneath all the apprehension, however, something may truly be wrong. The challenge is to make out the quiet voice of your intuition from the loud voices of your fears. Before your anxieties get the best of you, look to other cards for guidance on the best way to deal with this situation. Return to Top

Four of Swords In the Crown position Represents past events and influences that color and give rise to the current situation. Meaning: The Four of Swords calls for a time of withdrawal from the world. A sanctuary in which to rest and recuperate is needed. Unlike the Two of Swords, this retreat is not optional; it is essential. Now is the time to heal through solitude and reflection. Take advantage of this moment of calm to gain strength and prepare for the tasks ahead. You may learn how to better balance your ideas with your reality. If a choice is before you, the advice this card gives is simple: sleep on it. Don’t make any big decisions just yet, but reflect deeply on the path that has led you to where you are. Remember, an honest evaluation of your part in the drama is key to your growth. Without this inner work, you may find yourself in the same kind of situation again. At its highest potential, this card represents a vision quest, a time and place to seek wisdom. In this fertile quietude, the pain of recent events might help you see the truth and learn from it. Return to Top

Sibyl of Wands In the Behind position Represents the preoccupation of the subconscious which filters into waking life, affecting moods and outlook. This is the underlying theme of dreams and the emotional undercurrent in the querent's life. Meaning: The Sibyl of Wands promises success, even in difficult situations. If someone confident and intense appears in your life, the Sibyl calls on you to find these qualities within yourself as well. Return to Top

Ten of Swords In the Before position Represents the state of the querent's relationships with others. Meaning: Actual physical death is rarely described by the Ten of Swords. More likely it marks the end of a deeply troubled situation or idea, or a multitude of problems striking all at once. Whatever you feared most may have come to pass, leaving your life in ruins. As painful as this destruction may be, it is absolutely necessary. Come to terms with the reality of the situation and find the strength to see yourself through this time. Surrender, and welcome the opportunity to end a cycle of pain and step into a better future. The worst is over; things can only improve. Like Osiris, you can rise again, renewed and wiser for your experience. Return to Top

Seer of Wands In the Self position Indicates the querent's psychological state and attitudes which can greatly affect the outcome of the matter. Meaning: Don’t be surprised at her frankness; the Seer of Wands is not one to mince words! Her hot temper and impulsiveness will get her into all kinds of trouble. Filled with the youthful notion that she is indestructible, she can be daring to the point of danger. This spunky girl may not be practical, but her enthusiasm is worth encouraging. It will lead her to her true calling. Maturity and responsibility can come later. This Seer may represent a bold person in your life, or she may be asking you to nurture your own adventurous spirit. Return to Top

The High Priestess In the House position Represents the querent's environment and unseen forces influencing the situation. Meaning: The High Priestess invites you to come to a place of stillness, receptivity, and self-awareness. To experience her mystical vision, you may need to cultivate your ability to hear your intuition through meditation or dreamwork. Trust your inner oracle, for the knowledge you seek is within. Return to Top

Two of Swords In the Hopes position Indicates the hopes and fears of the querent. Meaning: Listen closely to your intuition. Don’t over-intellectualize the situation; stay connected to your feelings. Confidence, mental agility, peace, and composure are the gifts of this card, but be wary of procrastination. Are you facing a decision or running away from it? You cannot stay suspended between choices forever and will soon need to take action. Otherwise this time of introspection may only amount to self-delusion. Return to Top

Seer of Pentacles In the Outcome position Indicates the outcome of the matter. Meaning: The Seer of Pentacles describes a studious person with great focus and determination. Though you may find her reflected in another, she surely points to aspects of yourself to pay attention to. Return to Top

Maybe This Time..

I've been quiet. I know I have. I find that when I go through a rough patch, I isolate myself, so that I can really feel my way through my emotions rather than saying something I might regret later. I become an emotional hermit, and my creative energy builds and builds until I explode and am forced to create art again, write again, open myself up again. I have to open myself up and put my heart once again out there on the line.

I've had a day full of unbelievable thoughts, thought processes and ultimately it was just overwhelming. I wouldn't call it anxiety or depression, because it's more like this intensity that's building and building, and I have repressed these feelings or thought that maybe I didn't deserve them, or that somehow I shouldn't trust it. All of which at this point, makes no sense. I know I deserve it, I know I should trust it, and now I just have to know if the feelings are still mutual. One look in his eyes tells me that it is, but we've both been so hurt, we've both been so scarred over the years and it's just so hard to really let that go and trust enough to take that leap together.

On one hand, I just want to do it and see where it goes. Take a leap into the physical side of things to go "all in". Explore this person's body, after we have already touched the depths of each others souls... Yes, that sounds so wonderful...

And it would be, except, months ago, I stopped him from crossing that line with me. Months ago, I put a wall up around the physical side of things. Then, just as we began to break that wall down, we had a falling out over a stupid misunderstanding for a couple months, and both our feelings were hurt. It was then that I realized just how much I loved him. It was then that I realized that while I could live without him in my life, the pain was so great that I didn't want to. It was then, that I knew I was in trouble, because he was already so much more to me than just my friend.

I saw him for the first time since our argument this past weekend. We had "spoken" through emails and texts to arrange it, but it was the first time I was able to talk to him in person. The first time I was able to say "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings" in person. We had fun. We apologized to each other, and then we sat together and drank beer and sang along to music and we had fun. He came home with me that night when the weather made it awful for him to leave, and we slept next to each other just like we had done many times before. Before bed, we stayed up and chatted a little bit more about life and it was as if nothing had changed for a while. When we turned out the lights, he didn't hold my hand like he used to, but I didn't reach out for his either. I simply laid there, and then quietly said, "Hey."

I got a "Yeah?" in response.
Then I said, "I just want to say how much I really missed you. I want to tell you again, in person, laying here, that I never in a million years would intentionally want to hurt your feelings, and I'm sorry that I did. I missed you so much and it's good to see you again."
His response, "I know, it's good to see you again too".
Me: "Goodnight"
Him: "Goodnight"

You could have cut the sexual tension with a knife.
Both of us feel the same way, but we don't reach out for one another.

I decide that as I close my eyes, the next time I see him, I'm laying one on him. This was enough of a move forward for tonight.

In the morning, we lay in bed, joke around like we always have, listen to the kids talking in the other room, and I get up to make breakfast when it seems like the kids were reaching that point of no return. He comes out to say hello to them, and they maul him. They missed him so much. I make us all breakfast, he gets dressed, we talk a little about plans for this coming week, and he promises the kids he'll be back this weekend. I get dressed and get ready to take him back to his car.

I know now that I don't just love him, but I'm absolutely in love with him. This is dangerous territory for me. I've known him for years, but we grew closer over the past 8 months. The worst part about our fight is that it happened 2 days after he told me he loved me for the first time- and I reciprocated the feeling.

So it's been three days since that night.
And I've had ridiculous amounts of feelings pop up that I've repressed and shoved down for two months. Now, all the feelings I had back in August are back, in full force, and not thrilled that I tried to deny them for two months. Having this depth of feeling and not being able to do anything about it until this weekend is ab

A new one...

I love checking the Tarot deck... it's usually pretty decent in terms of things going on in my life, so this one is fairly optimistic! LOL...

ABOUT THE CARDS IN YOUR READING

Sage of Swords In the Cover position Indicates the querent in relationship to the present situation. Meaning: Just but not merciful, the Sage of Swords may seem heartless in the decisions he hands down. He despises anything that sounds emotional, illogical, or even remotely mystical. He can also get too wrapped up in his power, becoming rigid and controlling. The Sage of Swords may appear in your life as a clever but overly critical person. He may also be encouraging you to act with authority. In either case, he cautions you not to allow your intellect to overrule your heart. Return to Top

Nine of Pentacles In the Cross position Represents the positive forces or assets in the querent's favor. If this card should happen to be a negative card, it indicates the nature of an obstacles that is hindering progress. (The card in this position is always interpreted in its upright manner.) Meaning: The Nine of Pentacles congratulates you on your accomplishments. A successful and productive life is surely something to bask in and enjoy. Within this garden of solitary leisure, we can learn to truly be content with our own company. Knowing your own worth from an inner place, regardless of how others view your achievements, is priceless. With a strong sense of your own unique abilities and the knowledge that you can take care of yourself, you will bloom like a well-tended garden. The ability to love and appreciate oneself is the ultimate success. Return to Top

Seeker of Wands In the Beneath position Can be viewed as a message from the "higher self." It can also reflect the querent's potential aspirations. Meaning: In a reading, the Seeker of Wands may herald the need for a change of scenery. He may also symbolize an adventurous but rash person in your life. Or he may be pointing to tendencies within yourself to consider. Return to Top

Seeker of Pentacles In the Crown position Represents past events and influences that color and give rise to the current situation. Meaning: The Seeker of Pentacles is a worker bee. Above all else he wants security in his life, and he will work slowly and steadily toward it. Believing that a simple lifestyle is best, he has a meditative, even sacred approach to his work. He carries out his tasks without complaint and serves others with a glad heart. Although he manages his time and resources well, he lacks spontaneity and can become stuck in his ways. Yet since his aims are so humble, he often attains them. The Seeker’s teachings may come to you through a trustworthy and responsible person, or he may symbolize aspects of yourself worth cultivating. Return to Top

Eight of Cups In the Behind position Represents the preoccupation of the subconscious which filters into waking life, affecting moods and outlook. This is the underlying theme of dreams and the emotional undercurrent in the querent's life. Meaning: The heart’s yearning for a deeper meaning cannot be ignored. The Eight of Cups calls you to begin a spiritual quest, to withdraw your energy from the world to be more present with your inner life. Whether you hike up the Himalayas or retreat to your room, give yourself plenty of time alone. Creative solitude is the single most important thing that will help replenish your joy in living. You may also bring back greater self-awareness, spiritual insights, and possibly a whole new set of values. Return to Top

The Lovers In the Before position Represents the state of the querent's relationships with others. Meaning: When this card appears, be prepared for a new love in your life or be ready to work on a current relationship. The Lovers beckon you to be deliberate in your choices. The challenge is to learn how to give yourself without losing yourself. Trust in love, and don’t let fear keep you from commitment if it feels right. Return to Top

The Star In the Self position Indicates the querent's psychological state and attitudes which can greatly affect the outcome of the matter. Meaning: The Star brings healing and wholeness. Her appearance promises renewal, instilling us with hope and optimism. She foretells calm and peace, particularly after difficulty, and the chance to begin again. If the Star graces your reading, breathe deeply and feel her healing waters flow through your life. Return to Top

Seer of Cups In the House position Represents the querent's environment and unseen forces influencing the situation. Meaning: The Seer of Cups encourages you to spend time alone journaling, dreaming, or exploring nature. She may describe an introspective person in your life, and almost certainly points to qualities worth nurturing within yourself right now. Return to Top

Six of Pentacles In the Hopes position Indicates the hopes and fears of the querent. Meaning: If you find yourself in need, expect help in some form with your financial situation: an inheritance, a grant, a gift, or simply some useful advice. The human heart holds a profound capacity for generosity. But be sure to be thrifty and to explore creative ways to meet your needs. Charity is not to be relied on as a lifestyle. If you are doing well, share some of your abundance. And remember, offering to teach someone a new skill can be just as valuable as money. Return to Top

Seer of Pentacles In the Outcome position Indicates the outcome of the matter. Meaning: The Seer of Pentacles describes a studious person with great focus and determination. Though you may find her reflected in another, she surely points to aspects of yourself to pay attention to. Return to Top