Nashville CRS Pics!

Oh what a week!

I mentioned that I was going to Nashville for CRS week, and was so excited that I'd be seeing my friends... well, I am and was. I had a great time!

Wednesday, I drove down there, and then when I got into town I headed straight for my friend Todd's house, for his baptism party. That was fun, pictures got taken, I could only stay for a little while, and then headed north again towards Nashville.

I got a phone call from my friend Tiff, and she was in Green Hills, so I stopped off to see her at a friend's bus... and ran into another friend of mine! We all ended up hanging out that night between the buses and then hit up our favorite bar, Losers. It was so good to see some old friends and laugh. It was a great start to a wonderful long weekend.

Then, Thursday I went to CRS and hung out at the Bridge Bar, only after getting a REALLY Hot dress from Aimee at Flavour! I did a video for her too, and I still have to edit it. It was so wonderful to see her and she did a great job dressing me for Thursday's CRS event! I am going to have to pick up a few more dresses next time I'm in town!

At Bridge Bar, I was able to see a TON of people I know, and it was surprising how loved I felt, as I sat there and kept seeing more and more people I knew, and I would get hug after hug, and then the same question..."Are you back in Nashville for good?"... I would tell everyone the same thing. I'm working on it, and I'm finally ready. Everything's handled.

I got a lot of great job leads (even in the economy's state), and met some new people too!

I ended up hanging all over downtown and midtown on Thursday night, rockin' out my dress... and had a blast!

Friday morning I woke up and felt human only after a ton of Starbucks. I looked like a train wreck until I got to my friend Brandi's house and we got to chat and I got to grab a shower. She even made me waffles! It was great catching up with her and I got to play her a song of mine as well. When I left there, I headed towards Losers to catch up with JJ and her new friend Josh Hoge. We sat there at the bar chatting for a bit, then I decided to head back towards downtown for more CRS fun. After a quick trip to Printers Alley and a couple hours of karaoke fun... Friday night proved to be a great night out, and I was treated to a great show courtesy of Digital Rodeo and CRS, that had all sorts of new country artists performing covers. My hands down favorite of the evening was Emily West singing "Nothing Compares 2 U". I closed out the evening at Broadway Brewhouse with some old NEPA friends.

Saturday morning I got up, showered and hit the door... went to Losers to check in and sit on the porch. That's all I wanted to do. Just sit there, and hang out on the porch. I thought I would be able to run into some old friends, and I was right. Little by little, they all ended up coming in, and by the end of the day, there was a great crowd of my favorite people... all hanging out on the porch and laughing.

Saturday night was the same way. I ended up being well behaved, and knew I had a long drive coming up.

Overall, I maximized the time I spent in Nashville. I can't wait to get back (for good).

So on the way home, I had almost no voice, which I attributed to all the yelling over bands, and talking and singing and carrying on... as well as the drinking... and didn't ever think it MIGHT be that I was getting sick. Whooops.

Yeah, I have spent the majority of this week in bed, sleeping, breaking fevers and coughing. Overall, I got what the kids had. I fell hard.

Last night, I got a phone call from Jon again. Not the first time this week, but it was a late phone call so I was surprised. I picked up, and after a little conversation, including him saying that he thought of me when he noticed it was karaoke night, he told me that he owed me a weekend. I inquired, laughing and asked why... and he said that he knew I came down there several times and that he owed me a weekend where he showed up here. I said, ok... when did you want to come up? And he gave me a date of April 18th. Haha! A month out... I just said, ok, let me know and I'll find out what's going on then and we'll go out and have fun.

I'm finally feeling a little bit better... I think by tomorrow I should be back on my game. :) Of course, that's just in time to clean up the house for the kids to wreck it this weekend. Haha!
And, they get out early tomorrow.

So, that's kind of it, my week in a really short post. I had a lot of fun, and still have SO much work to do with editing down all my videos and getting them up on the new site. I hope I can get some of that done this weekend... plus there's Parade Day on Saturday. I don't know if I can get to that or not - gotta see about a sitter.

God Help Me.

I have got to be crazy, or confused... I am not quite sure.

I think everyone who has read this blog since I started it knows about Jon. I still refer to him as "the man I thought I would marry" when describing our past relationship. I still have VERY fond memories of some of our times together...He's someone I really enjoy spending time with. I still have vivid memories of a few of our more intimate moments... still and potentially forever unmatched in passion.

He started calling me more regularly about a month ago... again, the Melissa thing was over. I very clearly told him I wasn't going to be his go-to girl whenever things with them didn't work out.

Something happened a few weeks ago. I was out late, with friends, had a few drinks in me and was at a truck stop diner with them when my phone rang. It was Jon, getting ready for work, and we had a long conversation, in which I told him I was glad he called again, but that I wasn't looking for me to get emotionally invested again if that's what he was trying to do, and that I wasn't going to sleep with him and I wasn't going to come visit him, and that I very clearly understood that he didn't want to take the chance on love with me. I told him I really did love him, but that I wasn't going to do that to myself again. I told him that I would love to still be friends with him and that if he ever decided he was ready to leap to let me know.

I even told him I was pretty much done with dating for right now. I was concentrating on maintaining and growing friendships, that I had dated enough for a while... and I was fortunate to have a few good friends here in town that understood the craziness that is me...

After that call, he took about a week off from calling me. I expected that he would probably not call me for a long time.

**Took about an hour or so break from writing this because he called.**

Anyway, it was a while before we talked... but he called. It was something simple at first, he needed help with a computer thing. I helped him, and we chatted, and that was that. Friendly phone call, I hung up when I was done and excused myself so I could tend to whatever I was doing.

He called again the next night, just seeing how my day went, asking about blah blah... just to chat.

Ok, so he's lonely. I'm a friend he knows he can call. I again, excused myself after we talked for about 5-10 minutes.

Well, the phone calls have picked up again, to the point where it's not every day, but it's often enough. And I laugh. I really laugh. I enjoy our conversations.

And we've had some funny conversations, just like we used to do... but again, I stand by what I have said. I'm not allowing myself to go there again. And I'm okay with it, I'm okay with being just friends this time around. He even asked me if I wanted to go on a singles cruise with him- because none of his guy friends wanted to. I told him I would go, it would be fun. The truth is, I've been wanting to go on one too... and had even talked with another friend about trying to plan something like that.

So what changed today?

Nothing really, except the reason for the blog was spurred by a phone call from earlier tonight (yes, he called twice tonight, the first time was while he was out) from him.

His opening line... "Hey... I was sitting here thinking about something you said you'd send me a long time ago."
Me: "Oh, your swim trunks, I'm sorry, yes, I have them, just email me an address and I'll get them out to you tomorrow."
Him: "No, well, yes, I need those for when I go see the kids again, but no, I was thinking about something else..."
Me: "Oh... (dumbfounded pause)... What?"
Him: "You told me a long time ago you'd burn a CD of Country Music for me, and I was wondering if you still would. (He hates country... says it's whiny, and I told him to give it a shot, to let me put some fun country together on a cd and he might just like it)
Me: "Um, yeah, sure... no problem."

It went into more conversation and then I told him that I could barely hear him so to give me a call back later if he wanted to talk because I couldn't hear him at the bar.

I didn't expect that he would call back.

He did. And again, we talked for an hour. About silly stuff, random stuff, TV shows, funny things that happened recently in our lives, the kids, his daughter's upcoming birthday, my trip to Nashville.

Shrug... I don't know. I just don't know.

God Help Me. Give me the strength to not love this man. Allow me to keep that gate to my heart closed, locked tight... and not allow myself to openly love him again. I'm strong now, but I know with more phone calls like the one above, that cites information/memories and stuff from our past... It might be harder later down the line.

God Help Me... stay focused on all the good things I have going on in my life. My good friends, my new dating options (Plentyoffish.com), my trip to Nashville. I cannot allow myself to put Jon back into my potential future again. I cannot. I will not.

It would truly take an act of God for this man to decide that he's ready to take that leap of faith... to ACT on the love he has said he has for me in the past... but I know is too afraid to do anything about.

So I'm ok with being JUST his friend. I do know that I'm going to have to keep my boundaries set, my walls firm.... and well... keep relying on God when I'm feeling weak.

I feel better already.

March Already? Wow!

I'm having a hard time believing it's March already...

My kids are running around this house because it's so freakin' cold outside, and they've built a massive fort in the living room using all sorts of blankets and comforters. Of course, now that it's built, they've all but abandoned it.

Today is my sister's 28th birthday. My brother's 21st will be in a month. THAT is scary. It's funny how many people in my family were born on the 1st of the month. Three of my kids, my two siblings... all different months. We have five months out of the year cornered. Ha!

I'm learning to play in Windows Movie Maker, trying to edit down some videos I took of the kids and learning how to work the camera and the editor a bit more. I'll be sure to post some of the kids when I get them finished. :)

Anyway, that's it for now, we just finished a bagel/donut breakfast... and I had a large French Vanilla coffee too. Yum!

XOXO, Me