Life and such

I'm ready to move on in my life...
After the conversation with Jon, realizing he's not going to move forward any time soon- and that he's actually moved backwards- in talking with M again, and entertaining the thought to date her again simply because she can travel with him (that's a dangling carrot for him), I just told him that I wished him happiness and told him good luck.
I realize that even though I had all those lovely thoughts and at one point, he did too... he's not willing to step up. I have to move forward, I have to move on. And I'm ok with that.

I know what I want, so now it's time I asked the universe for it.

I want to be around friends- new, old, doesn't matter- but just good friends- ones that would come over just to hang out, ones that think of you and send you something, ones that you enjoy hanging out with doing silly things like game nights... couples... and I think that's it... I want that couples lifestyle.

I want to be someone's better half. Ha... to spend nights not alone on the couch... someone who likes to go out and do things too... someone who knows what I am all about... someone who I can be myself- and as quirky as I am... and they love me anyway and STILL want to spend their time with me.. and share their life with me.

It's not too much to ask, right?

I find myself feeling a little jealous lately of some of my old friends from high school. I'm happy for them, I guess envious would be a better word... Some of these people grew up together, stayed together, and they have friends that they've known for so many years. They go out together, they spend time at one another's houses... and now, they're starting families. It's interesting to me that here I am at 30... and I have my kids... and I honestly don't know if I could have any more right now. My youngest is 5. The thing is, most men my age would want kids of their own. I don't know if I could give that to anyone.

Argh... I'm just so confused. One moment I'm this strong independent woman, and another there's this desire that's so deep to share my life with someone. To have a life partner to share my life... and that loneliness is sometimes so heart wrenching, I don't know how to feel.

And some of this is more personal than I'm used to sharing on my blogs... any of them. But, in an effort to get what you want in life, I'm leaving it up here.
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I just got interrupted by my second phone call of the day from the same person. It's so random, but it's this guy that I knew in HS. He was a senior when I was a freshman. We were friends then and would talk on occasion. He liked me when I was 14-15. I didn't know then... but he wrote in my freshman year yearbook, the sweetest note, professing his affection. I lost touch with him after he left for college, then the next time we met, I was married and pregnant with my second child. His family owns a hardware store that I used to frequent once I bought my first house. We saw each other on a few occasions, but then I left South Florida in 2001 and have not seen him since. We recently reconnected on Facebook/MySpace and started talking on the phone. As it turns out, he's single - and I am too... and we still have a lot in common.

We've made plans to see each other at Christmastime when I'm down south.

He just called to say "goodnight". He's in the middle of Florida, hunting with his friends, and was turning in for the night in his trailer in the woods. How cute is that?
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I have another friend of mine sending a few texts. He's from Nashville and is a friend of mine from there.

I guess I should feel pretty blessed that I do have people who care about me, even if I do sometimes feel pretty lonely.

It's a pretty cool feeling sometimes to know that some friends stay friends forever. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

When I got laid off (can't believe it's been almost a whole month!), I lost not only a job, but my friends (or at least I should say, "friends"). I am a little disappointed that most of the people I would hang out with haven't extended an invitation to stay in touch. Not like I really can right now, but... the thought that counts, or at least the same kind of interaction online and on Facebook, etc. It's just odd to me to think that I considered these people friends, and I am feeling pretty shunned.

It's not like I know many people up this way, they were like my entire social network. So it's weird for me.
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Phone rang again, it was this guy who lives up here, my karaoke friend... called to ask me out again. He wanted to know when we could get together and probably hit up a karaoke place again. We made plans for Sunday. (he works fridays and saturdays)

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I have so much in my head, but it's after midnight and I'm worn out. Time for me to fall asleep and drift into my own little dreamland... hopefully I can stay there for at least 8 hours!

No idea what to call this rambling...

Forgive my random ramblings today. I'm kind of all over the place...

It's funny how I observe the world around me. Funny in a sense where most of the time, I'm not sure where I fit.

I've almost always been a square peg that's never going to fit in a round hole. I'm just always at a different point in my life than most of my peers, so automatically that makes me feel more of a distance from most.

It's starting to even out a little since the kids are getting bigger.

I don't know, I just feel sometimes like I'm kind of floating along... and I don't really like being without a partner in life... I mean, single life is fun, don't get me wrong... but I have dreams about sharing my life with someone, raising our kids together, etc.

I guess what is more appealing is having someone to do all these fun things with... whether it's coming home and sharing dinner and conversation, shuffling kids back and forth, curling up on the couch to watch a movie together or going out with other couples/having people over... these are some things in my life that I wasn't able to do even when I was still with Frank. We almost never had people over, and almost never went out with other people.

I think, in retrospect, that we just weren't developed enough as adults on our own... we hadn't had adult experiences really... there weren't those developed college friendships/adult work related friendships, etc. We just existed. For years, it was more like a business arrangement than a marriage. We kind of just existed, passing each other on the way down the hall, living separate lives in the same house. It wasn't unfriendly, it was just distant.

Now though, I think about my life and what it entails. I have met great people... I'm up here now in PA, and though most of my friends are currently still in Nashville, I have been up here long enough to meet a few new friends in this area. I have fun when I go out, but I have always been known to do that and be able to meet people easily... it's just that there's a different kind of friendship that I'm looking for.

The majority of the friends that I have here are the ones that you hang out with, just have fun with and you all go your separate ways. What I'm looking for is someone who I can have a deeper connection with. Honestly, a good girlfriend would be great... good friends and a glass of wine.... but I also mean a deeper connection/relationship with a man.

I had that with Jon, I still kind of have that with Jon, but I also feel that it's not going to go further anymore. I don't think he's ready to love again, despite what he says. I guess I've probably known that for a while, and we have no hold on each other, other than the depth of our friendship and the attraction we have for one another. We're not dating; in fact, both of us are actively dating other people...

But I wonder, is that fair to know that there's this man I love, but know that right now and possibly never, it won't work out... and try to invest in another relationship? With Jon I fell so hard, so fast...

Another reason I think I would probably benefit from having a steady relationship with someone again is that I really do enjoy just spending time with one person. I'm not looking for love, but I guess more-so companionship for now- that might turn into love along the way.

And I've had a few great conversations with some of my male friends here in PA... just don't know if anyone ever sees me as "girlfriend potential"... I'm so used to being one of the guys, or just the girl that is fun to hang out with.

I guess it boils down to just one thing, I don't like being lonely.



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My DailyOM for the day:
August 21, 2008
Life As It Is
Making Life Work For You

Sometimes we have so many varying responsibilities in our lives, ranging from work obligations to caring for children to running a household, we feel we cannot possibly make it all work. We may feel overwhelmed in the face of it all, ending each day feeling hopelessly behind schedule. However, regardless of how frustrating this can be, these are the parameters that make up our lives, and we owe it to ourselves to find a way to make it work. Rather than buckling under the pressure of an impossible to-do list, we might take a moment to view the larger perspective.

Like the president of a large organization, we must first realize that we cannot do every job ourselves. The first step to sanity is learning how to delegate some of the responsibility to other people, whether by paying someone to clean our house or trading childcare duties with another parent. In addition, we might find places where we can shift our expectations in ways that make our lives easier. For example, expecting ourselves to create a healthy home-cooked meal every night after a full day of work, errands, or caring for an infant or toddler may be a bit excessive. We might allow ourselves to order in food once in a while without any guilt. Accepting the adjustments needed to make our lives work is an essential ingredient to being at peace with our situation.

At the end of the day, we must come to terms with changing what we can and accepting what we cannot change. Sometimes the laundry piles up, a sick child demands more of our attention than usual, and we temporarily get behind with our schedule. Accepting this momentary state of affairs and trusting in our ability to get back on track when the time is right, we gracefully accept our life as it is, letting go of perfectionism and embracing life as it stands.