Life and such

I'm ready to move on in my life...
After the conversation with Jon, realizing he's not going to move forward any time soon- and that he's actually moved backwards- in talking with M again, and entertaining the thought to date her again simply because she can travel with him (that's a dangling carrot for him), I just told him that I wished him happiness and told him good luck.
I realize that even though I had all those lovely thoughts and at one point, he did too... he's not willing to step up. I have to move forward, I have to move on. And I'm ok with that.

I know what I want, so now it's time I asked the universe for it.

I want to be around friends- new, old, doesn't matter- but just good friends- ones that would come over just to hang out, ones that think of you and send you something, ones that you enjoy hanging out with doing silly things like game nights... couples... and I think that's it... I want that couples lifestyle.

I want to be someone's better half. Ha... to spend nights not alone on the couch... someone who likes to go out and do things too... someone who knows what I am all about... someone who I can be myself- and as quirky as I am... and they love me anyway and STILL want to spend their time with me.. and share their life with me.

It's not too much to ask, right?

I find myself feeling a little jealous lately of some of my old friends from high school. I'm happy for them, I guess envious would be a better word... Some of these people grew up together, stayed together, and they have friends that they've known for so many years. They go out together, they spend time at one another's houses... and now, they're starting families. It's interesting to me that here I am at 30... and I have my kids... and I honestly don't know if I could have any more right now. My youngest is 5. The thing is, most men my age would want kids of their own. I don't know if I could give that to anyone.

Argh... I'm just so confused. One moment I'm this strong independent woman, and another there's this desire that's so deep to share my life with someone. To have a life partner to share my life... and that loneliness is sometimes so heart wrenching, I don't know how to feel.

And some of this is more personal than I'm used to sharing on my blogs... any of them. But, in an effort to get what you want in life, I'm leaving it up here.
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I just got interrupted by my second phone call of the day from the same person. It's so random, but it's this guy that I knew in HS. He was a senior when I was a freshman. We were friends then and would talk on occasion. He liked me when I was 14-15. I didn't know then... but he wrote in my freshman year yearbook, the sweetest note, professing his affection. I lost touch with him after he left for college, then the next time we met, I was married and pregnant with my second child. His family owns a hardware store that I used to frequent once I bought my first house. We saw each other on a few occasions, but then I left South Florida in 2001 and have not seen him since. We recently reconnected on Facebook/MySpace and started talking on the phone. As it turns out, he's single - and I am too... and we still have a lot in common.

We've made plans to see each other at Christmastime when I'm down south.

He just called to say "goodnight". He's in the middle of Florida, hunting with his friends, and was turning in for the night in his trailer in the woods. How cute is that?
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I have another friend of mine sending a few texts. He's from Nashville and is a friend of mine from there.

I guess I should feel pretty blessed that I do have people who care about me, even if I do sometimes feel pretty lonely.

It's a pretty cool feeling sometimes to know that some friends stay friends forever. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

When I got laid off (can't believe it's been almost a whole month!), I lost not only a job, but my friends (or at least I should say, "friends"). I am a little disappointed that most of the people I would hang out with haven't extended an invitation to stay in touch. Not like I really can right now, but... the thought that counts, or at least the same kind of interaction online and on Facebook, etc. It's just odd to me to think that I considered these people friends, and I am feeling pretty shunned.

It's not like I know many people up this way, they were like my entire social network. So it's weird for me.
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Phone rang again, it was this guy who lives up here, my karaoke friend... called to ask me out again. He wanted to know when we could get together and probably hit up a karaoke place again. We made plans for Sunday. (he works fridays and saturdays)

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I have so much in my head, but it's after midnight and I'm worn out. Time for me to fall asleep and drift into my own little dreamland... hopefully I can stay there for at least 8 hours!

The Economy Sucks.

I was laid off yesterday. I was told, in a room full of others also getting laid off at the same time, that the company I work for was unable to make payroll and they were forced to begin layoffs.

I was told that none of us were being terminated, we were simply being laid off, and if the chance arose for things to turn back around, we would be rehired if we were available and were willing. The firings were not performance based, but rather based on the fact that the company is currently dealing with issues related to the crappy economy. **edited for clarity**

Either way, it really sucked.

I think what was more frustrating was my intense desire to try and make things work for such a long time, even though I kind of saw the writing on the wall for the company as a whole, I didn't ever think I would be among the first to be let go.

So, I filed for unemployment last night when I got home... and I will be figuring out what to do with the welfare offices, food stamps, etc. in the interim. After all, I have four kids to feed. Gotta do whatcha gotta do.

**Also edited to include: I no longer represent the company I used to work for, and have not named it here. Also, as above, this blog is my opinion based on my life experiences. **