What the hell am I doing?

I'm thinking, more than ever, about why it is that I don't write as much as I used to. Songs, poetry, random rambling... I know time has been a major issue, but I wonder if some of it is just my unwillingness to share my thoughts with the general public. Have I become more hermit-like in the past year?

Sure, I'll share random thoughts with little substance, but the sad thing is that I don't even write from my core any longer- even for privacy's sake... which is dumb. I should. It's through writing and art that I tend to figure things out for myself and make sense of the jumbled thoughts in my mind. It's through writing and art that I've been able to make it through the past oh, 29 years or so (yeah, I started kindergarten at 4)... I've been painting a little bit, but not near as much as I should.

Oh, little creative soul, you're just spinning away, frustrated with me not taking the time to respond to you. I've sensed that my little angels are surrounding me and encouraging me to keep up my creativity. I often wonder what it is that I might be able to offer the world that may be of value to someone, or appreciated by someone. Some would say that my kind heart is enough... but I'd like something a little more permanent to be left behind when I'm finally gone (hopefully at least 50 years from now).

I find myself able to think of all these profound things, then when I sit in front of a computer screen or with a pen and my journal... I seem to hit a wall. It's a mental block, mostly of the "do I want to really write that down?" sense... I hate being indecisive or guarded with my words, but the reality is that in the past year, I've seen that when you're in a good mood or you're finally smiling - there are people in this world who just want to put that little light out... and will adopt methods that are less than admirable to do so.

I've also learned that jealousy is a cruel and heartless beast surely sent straight from the Devil's belly. Even with all the prayin' and light sendin' and angel callin' I've done... it's tough to not feel the sting of someone's else's jealous behavior. Here's how I see jealousy- there's no need for it. If you're feeling like you have to fight to keep someone in your life by pushing them away from others or being cruel to them or say cruel things to tear them away from other people that bring them joy, then you shouldn't be in their life to begin with.

My belief is that I'm here to help build people up. That's one of my life goals. I'm here to help others see the good in themselves when they can't see it at the moment. I'm here to help them until they can shine brightly on their own. That goes for my children, that goes for my friends, my family, and even random strangers. If I can give of my time, I will. So often, simply a smile, a kind word or a hug and a shoulder to cry on is just enough to help someone through a tough time.

More importantly, after you help people, you can't have a hold on them, or expect something in return. The best option is to pay the kindness forward to someone else who needs it. I've seen far too many examples of people who help someone when they're down, then put a list of demands on them (whether a physical list or a mental mindfuck) to make them feel like they owe the person something.

The correct way to share love and give love and TRULY offer support to someone is to do something with NO expectation of a return.

I've pondered writing a book about divorce for several years. My mother was the one who actually gave birth to the idea floating around in my head. She was the one who mentioned that I had an interesting perspective, and had lived through my share of a divorce situation, especially with kids- and also that I had a unique style of writing- that I might be able to help others get through it by sharing my story.

I've shared my story verbally with friends, acquaintances and such. I like to think I'm helping them process things, move forward with their lives or even more so, feel like they're not utterly alone after years of being part of a couple. Divorce does rip people apart. It tears you limb from limb. For those of us who got married thinking it was going to be a one time deal, it not only devastates you financially, physically, emotionally... but spiritually as well.

Putting Humpty Dumpty back together again is about as easy as lining up Rubik's Cube (without the instructions). It takes time, patience, work and healing. We'll never be the same, but instead of feeling broken, we can begin to heal and feel renewed.

So there, again, no intention of an actual post and bam! Something came out. Gotta love my free-rambling posts...

I pray every day for grace. God, please grant me patience, grace and the ability to seek out the good in all people, even those who have hurt me.

That's all I've got for now, folks.