Odd dream/spiritual experience.

Last night I had a dream that really threw me for a loop. I'm not sure if it's in a good way, or in a bad way just yet.

I was me, but in two ways - one as an active participant in the dream itself and also then again as an observer.

In the dream, I met an adorable 9 month old baby boy with bright blue eyes. He was given to me. Yes, given to me. In the dream, someone physically gave him to me. The odd part about this, was that I also knew he was mine.  I was able to have full conversations with this nine month old (mental conversations) where he was speaking to me without speaking to my observer self, while the active participant self carried on about her day with him. I hope this makes sense to someone.

I was being told all about him. Things he liked, things he didn't. But what struck me most was that he had a name that he was most definite about. Thomas Aiden. Then, he told me that I would understand the significance later. That he was the proof that I was right.

When I started to try and put more pieces together about why he was mine- when I was explaining that I was very much done having children and had no plans for more- and funnier than that, no "baby daddy" on the horizon, his response was very clear. "You're not in charge".

I woke up in a cold sweat.

I spent the better part of the morning trying to shrug it off on the fact that I re-read the Breaking Dawn novel yesterday, in which Bella does conceive and deliver a child. Then I thought maybe it was also because a friend and myself were discussing our children last night before bed as well, so I had kids on the brain.

This afternoon I left the house for a while because I just couldn't stand to be at home alone with my thoughts and needed a distraction. But no matter what, all day long, I couldn't shake the image of this blue eyed cutie-pie in my head. Here it is, nearly 24 hours later and I'm afraid to fall asleep for fear I'm going to get more of his story. I'm afraid the dream is going to repeat and I'll be incapacitated in thought for another day.

I don't know what's scarier, actually enjoying seeing him or being told point blank, "You're not in charge". For little Miss Planny-McPlannerson, that didn't quite go over so well.

I even went so far as to look up his name meanings online, figured maybe it would help me understand something. Thomas means "twin", Aiden means "fire/flame".

While I understand the significance of the name, I'm still baffled by the idea of the child itself.

I should add that I'm freaked out slightly more because before I had Madelyn, years and years ago, I met her in a dream before I even became pregnant with her. The dreams continued through most of the pregnancy, on and off, and I knew what she was going to look like, and that she'd be a girl, before she was born. Of course, she was three in most of the dreams I had of her, and used to laugh a lot. She actually looked just like I knew she would when she was three. Her laugh was the same too...

I don't know what this means, and it could very possibly mean nothing. But, I'm still freaking out. The only "good" news is that I don't know how old I was in the dream. Maybe it was just a dream. Maybe.

For now, I'm sticking to my "I'm not planning on having any more children" mantra. I can be in charge of that just plenty.

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Whatcha got to lose?

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer's always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."

I'm in an emotional war with myself. Trusting or believing in something that has emotional value for me tends to be difficult for me. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've hurt before, or if it's because despite my stature, I have issues with confrontation. I'm a peacemaker. A lover, not a fighter...

There's nothing to fight about and no one really to fight with, but I feel sometimes like maybe the reasons I haven't found what I'm looking for in life are because sometimes I don't take that next step to truly go after something. When it comes to business decisions, I have no problem applying the above quote. When it comes to emotional decisions, I freeze.

I've had a few thoughts lately about changing the way I react to some situations. Instead of being sweet and polite, I'm going to just let a comment rip without thinking about it. Instead of bottling up my emotions, I'm going to find the strength to face them and be open about them. I can't drive myself crazy sitting here in neutral. It's time that I throw my emotional self into gear, drop the pedal to the floor and let those wild horses run free. It's only then that my scenery is going to change.

It's interesting how some people come into your life and make such an impact without them even knowing how deeply they've touched your soul. I am grateful for that. I am. I try to show people close to me that they make a difference in my life. I hope I convey that well enough.

My ex-husband once accused me of being an "emotional ice queen". It's really not true. I've got this river of emotional lava running through me fast and hot. Little known facts: I cry at sappy movies, I love with all I've got, I keep my passions about life and love close to my heart. I don't like to cry in front of people.

I'm not an ice queen, I'm just very adept at putting up walls around me when I feel like I'm going to be hurt. I'm great at putting walls up just because I think I have the potential to be hurt. I'm going to change that this year.

I'm not complaining. Not at all. I feel so "emo" for writing the above. Next on the agenda, I'll be wearing skinny jeans and buying black nail polish and lipgloss at Halloween Express. Ha. Like they even HAVE skinny jeans for curvy girls. What a hoot.

Back from the gym

I took it easy today, and only did two miles on the treadmill, followed by a half-hearted attempt at abdominal work. I just didn't want to over-do it and then not want to go back. Next time, three miles. I also promised myself to find the yoga DVD that's packed away in a box and actually stretch it out tonight. I called my girlfriend Rhonda to see if she had anything I could use.

Food-wise, I'm going to cut back on some of my carb intake, and increase my protein and leafy greens. More fresh fruits/veggies, less bread and noodles. Which means, basically, that helushki for me is going to be off limits, unless I primarily eat only the cabbage and skip on the noodle pieces.

I weighed myself too. Gah. Let's just say I have 51 lbs to lose to get to my target weight.

Even though I had guessed about 50 lbs, I was sad to realize that it was quite the reality. Now, for the execution of the plan to drop this dead weight.

All I can think about is how cute I'm going to look rocking out that pair of jeans that I love so much... it's a motivator. I'm contemplating hanging them on the wall behind my bedroom door. I need to find myself a workout buddy too, I'm incredibly self motivated, but I know that on days I'm feeling lazy, depressed or pre-menstrual, I probably won't want to do anything but lay around- and I need a buddy who will deliver a swift kick in the ass on those days.

That's all for now. Time for me to do my daily housework dash, in my sneakers... I think that some of this should count as aerobic exercise.

Even Online Shopping Gets Me Down

Julia Childs Complex

I watched the movie Julie/Julia and I had to chuckle a little bit when Julia Childs mentions that she likes shopping for food in Paris better than dress shopping, simply because there's no store that carries her size anyway.

I'm not ridiculously obese, by any means, but I'm a tall girl with an overly ample chest size and about average size in the waist and hips. For me, clothes shopping can often be ridiculously frustrating. I love dresses, but can't find many that will accommodate my large breasts, and often times, I'm pretty much stuck to a v-neck to have it look remotely flattering.

I've only wanted a breast reduction since these things grew in, when I was about 16. They've served me well, and served my babies well, but now, they're fairly obsolete in the usage department.

As I crammed on three sports bras this morning to layer for enough "hold", I realized that I'm so tired of always having a sore back & sore shoulders- and I really wish that I could afford the breast reduction.

Plastic Surgery?

I'm really not the type of girl who likes needles, much less the thought of being sliced open, but in the past few years, I've tried to keep my eyes open for opportunities to sign up for TV shows or something that would allow me to get this surgery done without being financially in the hole. I've had insurance look at it before, and of course, they denied it- I would have had a substantial co-pay that I wouldn't be able to afford.

So maybe this is the year. After I lose the weight in my 50 day challenge, I think it's time to talk to someone about a marketing opportunity. I have enough tools in my own toolbox to make a deal with a plastic surgery office. For one, I'm extremely experienced in SEO - so I could always offer some of my services in exchange for some of theirs. I've been a marketing girl for long enough that I would and could offer myself up on the marketing table as well, in return for being placed upon the surgery table.

Surely there's an experienced doctor out there who needs website work or a marketing plan that goes beyond the typical "get yourself bathing suit ready" campaign.

Vanity

I'm not even ashamed to admit it. I like to look good. But what's so frustrating, was that I spent an entire hour and a half on Modcloth.com looking at really adorable dresses and I knew that the majority of those, I wouldn't be able to fit in, thanks to the twins. I have this fascination with all things 1940s, but a lot of the necklines that cut across the collarbone aren't flattering to a chesty woman.

I'm not saying I would expect to NOT have boobs, I would probably enjoy being a full C or even D cup. At the moment, I'm topping out at the DDD/F area. If some were to measure, I'm scared I might even meet up with Mama G.

I guess the next thing is to just keep working out and talk to people and see if this can be a reality rather than a dream. I'm so tired of carrying these girls around. Beyond the obvious weight of them, once I lose weight, it garners me even more of the attention I don't wish to seek. With the weight on, I still get it, but once I'm in shape again, it's worse- which is another reason I think I have allowed myself to put on the weight- I can stop some of the crass comments or men hitting on me. A subconscious sabotage to my own health for reasons of not being pursued so directly.

That sounds lame, but it's really something worth thinking about. It's not the only reason, but it sure is one of them.

Well, off to the gym. The treadmill and I are going to finally meet each other and I'm off to listen to Pandora while walking along- the snow has subsided enough that I can get out of my house.

At tax time, I may very well invest in a treadmill of my own again. I lost the last one I had in a storage unit fire.

A Fifty Day Challenge

I've had it. It's time to change.

I'm issuing myself a 50 day Challenge. I'm going to actively try to get myself back in shape in the next 50 days. I'm going to work out in SOME fashion each day, resting only on Sundays.

I'll document it here, since I also mentioned working more on writing... and that kind of kills two birds with one stone.

The last time I committed myself to a project like this, was about 5 years ago. I ended up changing my life so dramatically that I was in better shape than I was when I was in high school.

With my separation, divorce, moves, children, job stresses and financial stresses, I have let myself go a bit. I think it was all too much for me to keep up with my exercise routine. But now, things are changing a bit. It's just time for me to be a little more healthy. I know, because of my past experience, that even the little changes can make a big difference.

So, challenge issued. Tomorrow, my happy rear end has a date with Pandora, my new headphones and the treadmill. :) Then I'm going to dig out my Yoga DVDs and get myself on a schedule. It tones and relaxes at the same time...

What's my biggest motivation? The first weekend in March is when I get to see many of my friends in Nashville again for the first time in a long time. I've got a couple pairs of jeans that I'd really love to wear... and some new dresses that I'd like to look my best in.

Vanity? Absolutely. It's one of my easiest forms of motivation. I want to look good this year. Drop, dead gorgeous...I know I'll feel great and look great. I can't wait. :)

The biggest part of any weight loss plan is drinking plenty of water and getting a decent amount of rest. So, on that note, I'm signin' off and heading to bed. :)