Frustrated. Stressed. Where the fuck is Calgon going to take me, and do they pay for the sitter?

My Stress and Frustration mounts...

I'm not really looking forward to the next few days. In some respects, I am... because I am going to go down to South Carolina to see my family for the weekend, but in others, I don't want to go anywhere.

It's the last sales day of the month on Friday, so these next two days are already jam packed and super stressful for me. It's just those days where you do what you can to jam pack all the things you need to do into your day, but you always have more to do when you go home (or at least when you have to go home). At least it's looking positive.

The kids' school schedule, and football schedule has me flipping out. It seems EVERYONE wants more money. MORE MONEY MORE MORE MORE MONEY.... I was really upset earlier this week that other people can work from home, but on Monday, I got docked a day's pay so I could stay home with a munchkin that wasn't feeling well (and truthfully, I wasn't feeling hot myself but I would have dragged my ass to work if I could).

Other people in other departments in the company can work from home and not get docked a day's pay. This was a new development for me, as the rule recently changed for my department, and I wasn't notified until Monday when there was that problem. I had no backup available. I can't send a kid to daycare that's thrown up, but I CAN work from home... I was infuriated, simply put.

Truthfully, the sales department is probably the best equipped to work from home- ALL of our records are able to be accessed online- as well as our email and we are all given cell phones. As far as tracking our work, we can be measured in tasks that we accomplished and emails/phone calls sent/made that day. I simply don't agree with the new ruling, but it's not my call to make and I have no choice but to accept that. I don't have to like it, but I can accept it.

It really would not have taken much at all for me to have put in a FULL day from my dining room table. I work for a company that deals with the internet, after all. SIGH. And the only loss I would have had, would have been missing out on lead line calls (but yet, I could have made my own cold calls, so again, it wouldn't have been a big deal).

I am still pissed about that, apparently, because today I saw an IM messenger window from someone at work today labeled, "Working From Home", and I scowled at my computer screen.

I think the reason I was even more upset is because it's not like I don't work overtime... I do... and it's not like I'm paid MORE to check my email at random off hours of the morning or night, or answer client phone calls till 9pm- or even on weekends. I'm not. I just do it because it's my job. I am still frustrated about the whole thing, despite trying to accept it for what it is.

And what it is, ultimately, is a day's less pay in my paycheck at the end of the week.



So back to my rant about money...

Getting kids prepared for School: $60 - in shoes & socks
Thankfully the uniforms were provided at no charge, although as soon as I do have money, I will have to go and get some updated Gym clothes, etc. As they don't currently have a gym uniform and I can't buy one yet.

F's Football: Pictures are going to cost me another $25. Plus Raffle Tix, plus selling crap, plus the eventual banquet, plus plus plus plus. I love that he loves to play.... but I tell you, I hate that this is like handing my wallet to a group of people.

Plus then there's the neverending food bill, the cost of gas, and my impending day care bill (some of which is subsidized)... I'm beginning to wonder why I work in the first place. It's like it's gone before it even comes in, and then I'm just surviving. That's it. God, please let it get better.

Despite the sometimes crippling stress, I do it all - moving forward and busting my ass always with a smile plastered on my face hoping and praying that things will get better. Argh.

So back to the reason I don't want to go anywhere this weekend. I'm tired. I'm so very tired... it's only Wednesday and I'm fucking exhausted. I know my mom is looking forward to seeing the kids, which is the only thing that is giving me any sort of energy to actually making this trip happen. Oh, and they paid for the gas...


Calgon, take me away!

Part of me wants to curl into a ball and just let more time lapse. I have so many random thoughts running through my head... I'm just going to freetype...

I absolutely MUST hit and exceed my goal at work this month.

I have to reschedule the kids missed dental appointments, but obviously I can't take any more time off work to plug them into my schedule.

I have to schedule my OWN yearly doctor's checkup. I'm fairly sure there's something wrong with me, because my energy level is constantly sapped. Not sure if it's just living a jam packed and stressed out life as a single parent of four very active kids or if it's something medical. Either way, please pass the Prozac.

Oh, and while I'm thinking about doctors, I also have to schedule my yearly gyno visit. Oh, yippie yay.

Then there is the whole painting thing... like I should be doing it but still haven't done it. At least if I did it, I might have something to sell to someone... and I might be less stressed as it's a major release.

Oh and laundry. I have several loads waiting for me.

Dishes too.

I can't pay the cleaning lady to come this week either... which means, I can look forward to trying to polish the house in the next two days as well.

I have to buy Contac paper and cover my kids' books with the clear crap that I really don't have the extra money to buy. Yeah, I know it's only $3, but so is a gallon of Milk.

OK, I have to stop the random thoughts because I'm just adding to my stress level.


Back to the trip advisory and upcoming birthday stuff...

I'm really not looking forward to the 10 hour drive down to South Carolina... or the 10 hour drive back on Monday with four kids (just in time for me to collapse into bed and get up for work in the morning).

Monday is Labor Day... but for me, it's also the TENTH ANNIVERSARY of my FIRST Labor Day... The birth of my eldest son! I am seriously wondering what to get him.

He just walked in, and I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. His answer? "Mom, either a cell phone or an iPod". I asked him why he thought he needed a cell phone, because he was always taken care of at all times of the day.

His response? "Just in case I get kidnapped." He paused, then added with a deadpan stare, "You never know, Mom."

When I stopped laughing, I looked online at the Verizon plans. It wasn't a good enough reason to upgrade my plan - although the phone would have been free.

I'll probably use the existing Toys R Us gift cards I have stored in my purse to get him a Wii Game. Thank God for old gift cards.

You haven't tired of my bitching yet???

I guess that's about it... my ranting and typing has made me feel a LITTLE better, though I'm still staring at my empty pockets and empty accounts for another day.

I want a bath, I want to soak in an oversized tub... but alas, I only have a small shower.

And I still wonder, if Calgon was going to take me away.... where would they take me and would they pay for a sitter? If so, I'm game.

A fitting daily horoscope.

I have felt absolutely sick this week. Lethargic, achy, sore, run down in general... but I have yet to take a day for myself. I can't.
I remember my mom used to call them TLC days when we just needed a little extra TLC for ourselves, we could take a day off and recharge our batteries.
At home, I have laundry to do, a kitchen to finish cleaning, vacuuming... and then I have to reclaim the basement, and pick up all the beads that K and M dumped out of their heart shaped jewelry case. About a thousand, I'm sure.

Of course, I also have to make dinner, take F to Football, pick F up from Football, and feed the kids. I also have to make sure that at least two of them get their showers tonight (they skipped out on them yesterday).

I'm worn out- physically, mentally, emotionally. I have barely slept, because I've been so frustrated over the fact that the money I thought I was going to be making hasn't been a reality for the past couple months. The economy sucks. Gas is expensive. I don't have time for anything, it seems. I'm just going to bed and waking up tired... I'm sleeping, but I'm tossing and turning.

Last night I had a weird dream, one of those vivid in color dreams. The ones where you remember details when you wake up. I always pay attention to these kind of dreams as the universe trying to tell me something. In the dream, a jealous woman pulled a gun on me. I take this to mean that I should be cautious in all my activities and figure someone out there is probably looking for an opportunity to stab me in the back/threaten me. Dreams like that (for me) are usually not far off in forewarning of the events about to unfold.

So my horoscope today, from DailyOm, was fitting.

August 13, 2008
Self-Care Comes First
Aquarius Daily Horoscope

You may feel listless, which could be due to a lack of energy and motivation today. This lethargy could be the result of your either having overexerted yourself or not taking care of your own needs. Perhaps this would be a good time to make this a day just for you, listening to the calling of your innermost desires, wants, and hopes. Turning off the phone and unplugging from the world, you might try to do things that are healing and reenergizing—meditating, doing yoga, taking a soothing bath, or engaging in a hobby or activity that interests you. Try not to let the needs of others distract you for today is your day. Doing something just for yourself could make you feel a greater sense of well-being and increase the amount of energy you have.

When we take care of our own selves we put our energy into the most important aspect of our lives. While it might seem noble to do things for others, unless we are consciously attending to our needs, we will expend more energy than we have. Although the energy of the universe is unlimited, it is only accessible when we find a means to positively tap into it, and caring for ourselves lovingly and compassionately is the best way to do this. Taking the time to rest and care for yourself today will infuse your life with a greater amount of positive energy, which will make you more motivated and productive in the long run.

***********
So maybe the secret here is to pay attention. My to-do list isn't going anywhere. My life isn't going to get *less* stressful - unless by some miracle I win the lottery. I really want to sell some of my artwork again, but of course, to do that, I'd have to actually paint some more.

That might be a solution to de-stressing. Hm. A bottle of wine and my paintbrush. Something to consider for a late night pamper-fest.

Today, I cried.

It's only quarter to ten in the morning, and I've already cried today.

Why? Well, even the strongest women in the world have their weakest points. I've been struggling lately, to support four kids and doing it on an extra tight budget this month, and today, I have to work the 11am to 7pm shift, which means that I have to have our babysitter come and pick up the kids at 5:30pm, and stay till 7:30pm, which means that I need $20 to pay her.

I have twenty dollars after all is said and done to last us the week. We have food, but we could definitely use a few more things during the week. So, I'm stressing out.

I have these Pittston Area football calendar things that I'm supposed to sell for $10 a piece to get my money back for F being enrolled in their program, but I have no idea why anyone would buy these calendar things and who I'd even ask. I guess I'll try work. Everyone's strapped though.

Anyway, with my own buildup of stress, plus the regular end of the month "I have to hit my numbers or else live like a pauper again for another month", I'm ready to explode.

And then, running through the house straightening up this morning after dropping them all off at daycare, I went to fix the girls beds. Under K's pillow, I found a note to the Tooth Fairy. She had found a box with her tooth in it in my room, and running interference, I said that the Tooth Fairy must have put it somewhere safe while we were moving. I told her to put it under her pillow again and maybe she'd come back and take it this time. K had already been paid for the tooth.

So, there's a note, written in an orange gel pen on a piece of ripped paper. "Tooth Fairy can I fly without wings please?"

Written in my seven year old's handwriting.

Then, I cried. Immediately, memories of my own seventh year came rushing back, and how I wanted to fly without wings too. I think it's many kids' dream to be able to fly.

The reason I think I let the tears fall, is because here I have been so stressed out with my day to day life, paying bills and keeping kids fed... that I failed to see the magic in their eyes.

For a brief moment, I was reminded of the little bit of heaven we get to see when we have children- to experience their "magic" and "belief" and all their hopes and dreams, from a point of an adult's perspective.

So now, I am going to collect myself, remind myself of this magic, and wish like hell I could fly without wings too... I'm going to soar- even if I can't do it physically, I can do it mentally.

My seven year old's note to the Tooth Fairy restored my strength to continue on through these difficult times. There's my slice of heaven.