God Help Me.

I have got to be crazy, or confused... I am not quite sure.

I think everyone who has read this blog since I started it knows about Jon. I still refer to him as "the man I thought I would marry" when describing our past relationship. I still have VERY fond memories of some of our times together...He's someone I really enjoy spending time with. I still have vivid memories of a few of our more intimate moments... still and potentially forever unmatched in passion.

He started calling me more regularly about a month ago... again, the Melissa thing was over. I very clearly told him I wasn't going to be his go-to girl whenever things with them didn't work out.

Something happened a few weeks ago. I was out late, with friends, had a few drinks in me and was at a truck stop diner with them when my phone rang. It was Jon, getting ready for work, and we had a long conversation, in which I told him I was glad he called again, but that I wasn't looking for me to get emotionally invested again if that's what he was trying to do, and that I wasn't going to sleep with him and I wasn't going to come visit him, and that I very clearly understood that he didn't want to take the chance on love with me. I told him I really did love him, but that I wasn't going to do that to myself again. I told him that I would love to still be friends with him and that if he ever decided he was ready to leap to let me know.

I even told him I was pretty much done with dating for right now. I was concentrating on maintaining and growing friendships, that I had dated enough for a while... and I was fortunate to have a few good friends here in town that understood the craziness that is me...

After that call, he took about a week off from calling me. I expected that he would probably not call me for a long time.

**Took about an hour or so break from writing this because he called.**

Anyway, it was a while before we talked... but he called. It was something simple at first, he needed help with a computer thing. I helped him, and we chatted, and that was that. Friendly phone call, I hung up when I was done and excused myself so I could tend to whatever I was doing.

He called again the next night, just seeing how my day went, asking about blah blah... just to chat.

Ok, so he's lonely. I'm a friend he knows he can call. I again, excused myself after we talked for about 5-10 minutes.

Well, the phone calls have picked up again, to the point where it's not every day, but it's often enough. And I laugh. I really laugh. I enjoy our conversations.

And we've had some funny conversations, just like we used to do... but again, I stand by what I have said. I'm not allowing myself to go there again. And I'm okay with it, I'm okay with being just friends this time around. He even asked me if I wanted to go on a singles cruise with him- because none of his guy friends wanted to. I told him I would go, it would be fun. The truth is, I've been wanting to go on one too... and had even talked with another friend about trying to plan something like that.

So what changed today?

Nothing really, except the reason for the blog was spurred by a phone call from earlier tonight (yes, he called twice tonight, the first time was while he was out) from him.

His opening line... "Hey... I was sitting here thinking about something you said you'd send me a long time ago."
Me: "Oh, your swim trunks, I'm sorry, yes, I have them, just email me an address and I'll get them out to you tomorrow."
Him: "No, well, yes, I need those for when I go see the kids again, but no, I was thinking about something else..."
Me: "Oh... (dumbfounded pause)... What?"
Him: "You told me a long time ago you'd burn a CD of Country Music for me, and I was wondering if you still would. (He hates country... says it's whiny, and I told him to give it a shot, to let me put some fun country together on a cd and he might just like it)
Me: "Um, yeah, sure... no problem."

It went into more conversation and then I told him that I could barely hear him so to give me a call back later if he wanted to talk because I couldn't hear him at the bar.

I didn't expect that he would call back.

He did. And again, we talked for an hour. About silly stuff, random stuff, TV shows, funny things that happened recently in our lives, the kids, his daughter's upcoming birthday, my trip to Nashville.

Shrug... I don't know. I just don't know.

God Help Me. Give me the strength to not love this man. Allow me to keep that gate to my heart closed, locked tight... and not allow myself to openly love him again. I'm strong now, but I know with more phone calls like the one above, that cites information/memories and stuff from our past... It might be harder later down the line.

God Help Me... stay focused on all the good things I have going on in my life. My good friends, my new dating options (Plentyoffish.com), my trip to Nashville. I cannot allow myself to put Jon back into my potential future again. I cannot. I will not.

It would truly take an act of God for this man to decide that he's ready to take that leap of faith... to ACT on the love he has said he has for me in the past... but I know is too afraid to do anything about.

So I'm ok with being JUST his friend. I do know that I'm going to have to keep my boundaries set, my walls firm.... and well... keep relying on God when I'm feeling weak.

I feel better already.

Indiana Again... and my Daily OM

I wanted these lyrics with the song.

Indiana - Jon McLaughlin
I'm glad I never lived next to the water
So I could never get used to the beach,
And I'm glad I never grew up on a mountain
To figure out how high the world could reach.

I love the miles between me and the city,
Where I quietly imagine every street.
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment.
I'm glad she never fell in love with me.

For some the world's a treasure to discover.
And your scenery should never stay the same.
And they're trading in their dreams for explanations.
All in an attempt to entertain.

I love the miles between me and the city,
Where I quietly imagine ever street.
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment.
I'm glad she never fell in love with me

The trick of love is to never let it find you.
It's easy to get over missing out.
I know the how's and whens, but now and then,
She's all I think about.

I wonder how it feels to be famous,
but wonder is as far as I will go.
Because I'd probably lose myself in all the pictures,
And end up being someone I don't know.

So it's probably best I stay in Indiana,
Just dreaming of the world as it should be.
Where every day is a battle to convince myself
I'm glad she never fell in love with me.

----------------------------------------

My Daily OM...

September 29, 2008
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
Nothing Is Insurmountable

When our next best course of action seems unclear, any dilemmas we face can appear insurmountable. Yet there is nothing we cannot overcome with time, persistence, focused thought, help, and faith. Whatever the situation or problem, there is always a solution. And if you remember to look within, even as you search around you for the “right” course of action, you will be able to center yourself, clear your mind, and see that nothing has to be impossible.

The first step in overcoming any obstacle is to believe that it can be overcome. Doing so will give you the strength and courage to move through any crisis. The second step is to make a resolution that you can prevail over any chaos. Enlist your support network of family and friends if necessary. The more minds there are to consider a problem, the more solutions can be found. Don’t discount ideas just because they seem impractical or “unrealistic,” and don’t keep searching for the “best” alternative. Often there is no “best” choice, there is only a choice to make so we can begin moving beyond whatever is obstructing our path. At the very least, making a choice, even if isn’t the ideal one, can give you a sense of peace before you have to figure out what your next course of action will be.

If you feel overwhelmed by the scope of your troubles, you may want to think of other people who have turned adversity into triumph. We often gain a fresh perspective when we remember others who have overcome larger obstacles. It can be inspiring to hear of their victories, helping us remember that there is always light at the end of every tunnel. It is during our darkest hours that we sometimes need to remind ourselves that we don’t have to feel helpless. You have within and around you the resources to find a solution to any problem. And remember that if a solution or choice you make doesn’t work, you are always free to try another. Believe that you can get through anything, and you will always prevail.