I've been tested, I've been tried... I've found strength in myself, and in my spirituality.
I offered my friendship and love to a friend, found it offered in return, and then had it carved from within me in a moment of someone else's jealous rage. I went through the emotional stages of loss, and truthfully, though I don't like the person who tore a friendship apart for selfish and jealous reasons, I find a greater fault in the friend who didn't stand up for me, defend my honor and believe in who I am over whatever someone else said for their benefit. I hurt more because the person who told me I was family, didn't bother to talk to me about whatever was said by someone else. I never got the benefit of a conversation- and maybe that's just because said person was scared.
I finally thought that I was in a safe zone. I wasn't boy crazy, I wasn't head over heels, I didn't have a crush or get involved in a toxic relationship. I wasn't involving anything physical. It was just the presence and friendship of two people who appreciated each other's company and conversation.
I was not falling in love, just practicing a friendship-love... that was so fulfilling and energizing and healthy for me...and to have it struck down and severed so unexpectedly hurt me worse than any other heartbreak I've ever known.
Over the past few weeks, I've grown stronger, more guarded. I'm not sure if it's a good thing- but I have focused more clearly on myself and my children- and I've been doing it successfully. I have been working my ass off in about 10 different directions, trying to make some of the things I wanted to happen, happen. There are always some moments or memories that catch me off guard though, just when I am content to close and lock the door behind me.
I don't know what's sadder- how much I miss my friend, or how much my children do- and hearing them say your name at random moments, not knowing how to handle it. Tonight, Joe and I were planning his 11th birthday party, and I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party. After his classmates (only boys) were listed, he added three more names to the list- and said he hoped that you'd be able to make it, and your children too. I just smiled and said that I didn't know what your schedule was, but that I hoped you could too. Inside, it was like someone ripped out a few fresh stitches.
I'm not sure what the future will bring. All I can say at this moment is that I'm truly grateful for the happy moments. I'm truly grateful for the laughter, the smiles, the conversations and the fresh breath of life it seemed you brought into my life. You helped me shine vibrantly again- sharing my creativity openly once more. In moments of my own weaknesses, you reminded me to never settle for anything less than I deserved. You showed me just where to find that extra boost of my own inner strength when I needed it most. You are familiar to me. As I was trying to help you re-light your own spiritual fire, you helped me by adding accelerant to mine.
I'm grateful for every moment that was spent with my children, and every laugh and smile you brought to their eyes and heart. It has been a tough road for them these past few years, and yet they welcomed you and embraced you as a part of our family. Some of the best memories I have of the past few months, involve you making them laugh hysterically.
I recently found a picture of you smiling. It wasn't the cheesy half-hearted smile I've seen in years past, but a genuine, honest happy gigantic grinning smile. The kind of smile that lights up not just your face, but the room as well. The kind of smile that made me smile just by seeing the picture. I wish only smiles like that for you in the future.
Though I've been hurt, I have no regrets about any of the time we spent encouraging one another. Wounds heal. I have faith and I believe that somewhere down the line, you'll remember me and the children fondly. Perhaps enough to mend fences- and if you wish to, you'll find me there offering support and supplies.
I know you'll probably never read this... but it's ok, I feel like once it's posted to my blog and sent off into the universe, I think you'll know it regardless. Part of me thinks you already do.
In the mean time, I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I think of you as a part of my family and would only wish good things upon you and your life. I pray for angels to be at your side, I pray for you to find, hold on to and multiply your inner strength and belief in yourself. I pray for you to move forward and toward your goals. I give you the space you need to heal your own wounds and figure things out for yourself. I pray for your happiness.
I'm not sure how this started off as my blog and ended up as a letter to you, but God has interesting ways to heal people, and I'll go ahead and leave it as it was typed. Below, a poem.
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God-Breeze
The sun was shining today
The wind blew across the field
Leaves scattered and birds flew
Rays of sunlight reached through the branches of the trees
And I knew
Life goes on
The sun still shines
Souls are ageless.
Timeless and
Eternal
The God-breeze caressed my face
Hugged my heart
And I was healed.
