The Pursuit of a Life With No Regrets...

2011-05-19T23:57:00.000-07:00

2011-05-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

Ya Know...It's the little things...

2011-04-18T00:41:00.000-07:00

It's the little things in life that can really make your day... I've had a phenomenal few days.

1. All this going through old material of mine has really inspired me and gotten my creative juices flowing again. Lots of writing lately, lots of thought.. and even lots of painting.

2. I had to make some room for some new things and ended up pulling out a bunch of clothes that I used to be able to wear a few years back when I was super skinny. Now, I haven't really been *trying* as hard as I could be to be losing this extra weight, but I have been eating smarter and moving more... anyway, I tried some of the clothes on, and even though some of them were tight, they went on and buttoned! For a girl, this is HUGE excitement. I was even able to wear one of my favorite jean skirts the other day.

3. Sometimes it's nice to feel appreciated or *remembered*... and that's happened a few times in the past few days for me. Even again tonight with a message from an old friend of mine... just makes a girl feel good.

Lazy Sundays are awesome, by the way. :)

Spring Cleaning & Poetry/Book News

2011-04-14T09:46:00.000-07:00

It's time for a little spring cleaning. Not just my house, but my mind and soul too. My hurts, my experiences, my joys- all of those are like the leaves that fell last fall. IN THE PAST! As spring blooms around me, I am reminded that I am in bloom again too. I am reborn... Every day is an opportunity to grow, change and look forward. Nature doesn't dwell on the past, it strives for the future. I shall do the same.

I'm feeling REALLY positive today. There's just SO much potential within me - that is being unleashed today towards some GREAT things moving forward in my life. Life is a gift, folks... it's to be appreciated for every moment we are given.
----------------

Poetry.

I was going through my desk, in an effort to clean it up, sort it out, and do some cleaning... and I began paging through all my (many) notebooks that I've written in over the past six or so years and carried around with me. I've scribbled lines of thought, beginnings of songs, full pages of journaling, etc. in these pages, documenting my state of mind at various stages before, during and after my divorce, financial free fall and re-discovery of myself. I've also rediscovered my spirituality and found a faithful resolve. After picking up one of my hard covered journals, I recalled a conversation I had with a Nashville visual artist who inspired the then pricey for me, $18 hard cover journal purchase. He read through some of my works, saw pictures of some of my art, and responded with an email to me that included the following text: "You're a great writer, don't waste it on the music industry."

A lot of what I had begun to write, started off as song ideas, and morphed into poetic verse instead. I guess you go with what you know at the core... While some of my writing can most certainly and has been morphed into song form, I almost always appreciate the original best. At present, the book is in the process of being compiled and hopefully the poetry and words I've written over the past several years, as well as the art I've created will be able to be appreciated- and possibly help others going through their own journey of self discovery after a major life change. The working title is "Reflections from a Scattered Mind".

Here's a snippet:

On Taking Chances

I allow myself to fall
Faster.
Deeper.
There's no parachute
It's a free fall
I willingly took the step
I leapt from the cliffs
Trusted.
My soul knows that when
Opportunity knocks
I'll open the door
God shows me a way
I have faith in Him
I'll jump every time
And fall.
If you don't catch me,
hold me tight and
love me forever,
He will.

----------------

Photo two.

2011-04-07T21:13:00.001-07:00

Kaitlyn's johnny Appleseed guy

2011-04-07T21:12:00.001-07:00

Kate and I made this together for a school project. I am thrilled with how well it all came together!!! So cute!

Ronnie Milsap - Are You Lovin' Me Like I'm Lovin' You

2011-03-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

Just listen.

-A

What the hell am I doing?

2011-03-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking, more than ever, about why it is that I don't write as much as I used to. Songs, poetry, random rambling... I know time has been a major issue, but I wonder if some of it is just my unwillingness to share my thoughts with the general public. Have I become more hermit-like in the past year?

Sure, I'll share random thoughts with little substance, but the sad thing is that I don't even write from my core any longer- even for privacy's sake... which is dumb. I should. It's through writing and art that I tend to figure things out for myself and make sense of the jumbled thoughts in my mind. It's through writing and art that I've been able to make it through the past oh, 29 years or so (yeah, I started kindergarten at 4)... I've been painting a little bit, but not near as much as I should.

Oh, little creative soul, you're just spinning away, frustrated with me not taking the time to respond to you. I've sensed that my little angels are surrounding me and encouraging me to keep up my creativity. I often wonder what it is that I might be able to offer the world that may be of value to someone, or appreciated by someone. Some would say that my kind heart is enough... but I'd like something a little more permanent to be left behind when I'm finally gone (hopefully at least 50 years from now).

I find myself able to think of all these profound things, then when I sit in front of a computer screen or with a pen and my journal... I seem to hit a wall. It's a mental block, mostly of the "do I want to really write that down?" sense... I hate being indecisive or guarded with my words, but the reality is that in the past year, I've seen that when you're in a good mood or you're finally smiling - there are people in this world who just want to put that little light out... and will adopt methods that are less than admirable to do so.

I've also learned that jealousy is a cruel and heartless beast surely sent straight from the Devil's belly. Even with all the prayin' and light sendin' and angel callin' I've done... it's tough to not feel the sting of someone's else's jealous behavior. Here's how I see jealousy- there's no need for it. If you're feeling like you have to fight to keep someone in your life by pushing them away from others or being cruel to them or say cruel things to tear them away from other people that bring them joy, then you shouldn't be in their life to begin with.

My belief is that I'm here to help build people up. That's one of my life goals. I'm here to help others see the good in themselves when they can't see it at the moment. I'm here to help them until they can shine brightly on their own. That goes for my children, that goes for my friends, my family, and even random strangers. If I can give of my time, I will. So often, simply a smile, a kind word or a hug and a shoulder to cry on is just enough to help someone through a tough time.

More importantly, after you help people, you can't have a hold on them, or expect something in return. The best option is to pay the kindness forward to someone else who needs it. I've seen far too many examples of people who help someone when they're down, then put a list of demands on them (whether a physical list or a mental mindfuck) to make them feel like they owe the person something.

The correct way to share love and give love and TRULY offer support to someone is to do something with NO expectation of a return.

I've pondered writing a book about divorce for several years. My mother was the one who actually gave birth to the idea floating around in my head. She was the one who mentioned that I had an interesting perspective, and had lived through my share of a divorce situation, especially with kids- and also that I had a unique style of writing- that I might be able to help others get through it by sharing my story.

I've shared my story verbally with friends, acquaintances and such. I like to think I'm helping them process things, move forward with their lives or even more so, feel like they're not utterly alone after years of being part of a couple. Divorce does rip people apart. It tears you limb from limb. For those of us who got married thinking it was going to be a one time deal, it not only devastates you financially, physically, emotionally... but spiritually as well.

Putting Humpty Dumpty back together again is about as easy as lining up Rubik's Cube (without the instructions). It takes time, patience, work and healing. We'll never be the same, but instead of feeling broken, we can begin to heal and feel renewed.

So there, again, no intention of an actual post and bam! Something came out. Gotta love my free-rambling posts...

I pray every day for grace. God, please grant me patience, grace and the ability to seek out the good in all people, even those who have hurt me.

That's all I've got for now, folks.

I got nothin'

2011-03-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

I have been sitting here trying to think of somethin' to write, and even a topic, but I got nothin'. I just wanted to visit the blog and at least try to write. Chalk this one up to a big fat day full of writers block.

Awesome.

IMG00932-20110222-1943.jpg

2011-02-22T17:43:00.000-08:00

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I'm In Love With You, Joy Williams

2011-02-21T12:46:00.000-08:00

Just found this song... one of my YouTube click and finds- Holy hell, it's gorgeous. I love the words, and I love Joy William's voice. I'm going to have to see what I can find of hers on iTunes.

Songs like this make me cry.... and songs like this make me feel lonely... but I love songs like this, because they make me FEEL something. Maybe one day I can dedicate it to my very own someone special...

Lyrics:

I've been waiting all my life for this morning
Just to wake up next to you holding me
And your head is resting gently on my shoulder
Like you're whispering to me

I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
So glad I found you
I'm in love with you

When we're leaving dreams and rolling back the covers
All at once we're getting ready for the day
It's when you look at me in the mirror while you're shaving
Before I go on my way, you say

I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
You're the one I choose
'Cause I'm in love

Love is joy and love is pain
It's kissing in the rain
It's doing dishes when it's late
Isn't it, baby
It's the art of compromise
It's hellos and long goodbyes
It's the picture of our lives
Isn't it crazy

So I'll call you when I get to where I'm going
And I'll tell everyone we know you said hello
And without fail they'll ask me if I miss you
Of course I do, you know I do

'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
You're the one I choose

I'm in love
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I love you just the same as I did the day
I fell in love with you

Creative Escape

2011-02-19T15:51:00.000-08:00

I've been hiding again from the blogging experience, but I've also been really busy. February has been jam packed so far with a lot of events, my birthday, guests and just kiddo activities too!

I haven't felt much like writing lately, but I think it's because I've been so busy, I'm just trying to rest when I can. I made a batch of soap last night, and painted a whole bunch too. There's an art show coming up next weekend that I'm participating in. I'm trying to get all these pieces that I want to include finished so that they can be available for sale at the event.

Life's good otherwise, I just spent a small fortune between Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of Hollywood. I needed (desperately) new undergarments, and it had been a while since I had truly re-stocked the unmentionables drawer. My favorite black push-up bra broke last weekend, and I knew it was time to go ahead and make the necessary purchases. Thankfully, there were decent sales and free shipping involved.

I bought the kids Bendaroos (they had wanted them for ages) and I woke up to find a love note on my bedroom door this morning in bendaroos. It says, "I <3 Mom" with happy faces and hearts and peace signs. That's always a great way to start your Saturday morning!

We were supposed to go to Louisville Science Center today, but the kids vetoed that idea this morning and want to go tomorrow instead... So we'll pack up the car and head out for Louisville tomorrow mornin'.

I'm about to hit the showers and relax a bit..

Painting again...

2011-02-18T20:51:00.001-08:00

This is still in progress. Started off as a mixed media piece with scrapbook paper and magazine clippings, buttons, tags... A whole lotta stuff. Now, the paint layering begins....

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All's Well that Ends Well...

2011-02-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

It was a great night at the Sweethearts Gala. My painting was up for auction, as well as a gift basket from Lady Luna Luxuries. I was treated to a fun night of conversation and cocktails followed by an amazing dinner at the Hutton Hotel. Crabcakes, Mini Filet... and the decadent raspberry truffle dessert. Yum!

My table

With Joey and Rory - the celebrity Sweethearts of the event... they put on a great show for us!

I hit Losers and Rebar after the event. It was a great night out! Got to see Manuel again at Rebar- forgot to take pictures... but for a Friday night out on the town, I got to dress up, I got that great dinner, I got to see a lot of friends - and make some new ones and mostly, I had a wonderful evening altogether!

I'm going to have to think about it.

2011-02-11T05:08:00.000-08:00

A friend canceled on me for an expensive dinner I was looking forward to last night. With zero explanation. Via text message.

Really? I'm sorry, but it's not a date, nothing romantic, and it's been planned for weeks. AND - there was no obligation to this person to pay a cent. I just wanted someone to sit across from me and enjoy the really good food and conversation- because I didn't want to go to dinner there to sit by myself.

In addition, our friendship is such that I do a lot of things for this person. Just because it makes me happy to do them. This is the first time I've asked this person to do something where they weren't getting paid to be there- and I'm not going to lie. I'm a little pissed.

Now, I'll give this person the benefit of the doubt. My phone died last night, so possibly there was a text message that I didn't get... but every other one came through this morning... so.. we'll see. I'm going to have to think about this.

Anyone else wanna dress up and go out on the town? I'm hell bent and determined to recover this bullshit of a planned night out.

This makes me smile.

2011-01-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

From the movie The Proposal. There's this whole scene after the hilarious naked scene, where they are heading to bed for the night... and it's incredibly personal, Margaret shares a bunch about her personal life with Andrew... and they are all sorts of giggly.

I find that to be one of the most heartwarming scenes in the entire movie.

That is all.

Side note: I really need to stop watching romantic movies before I go to bed.

You'll Never Know

2011-01-24T22:53:00.000-08:00

This song was on Big Love this past week, towards the end in the background and on the credits. Of course, once I heard it, I had to find it. This song was sung in 1943, and this particular version by a lady named Vera Lynn. It was very popular, sung right in the middle of WWII as there were many women missing their men, and sending their love and prayers across the miles.

For your listening pleasure, and again, simply beautiful and timeless music and lyrics...

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW

You'll never know just how much I miss you,
You'll never know just how much I care...
And if I tried, I still couldn't hide my love for you,
You ought to know, for haven't I told you so,
A million or more times?

You went away and my heart went with you,
I speak your name in my every prayer.
If there is some other way to prove that I love you
I swear I don't know how...
You'll never know if you don't know now.

You went away and my heart went with you,
I speak your name in my every prayer.
If there is some other way to prove that I love you,
I swear I don't know how...
You'll never know if you don't know now.

To Make You Feel My Love...

2011-01-24T22:26:00.000-08:00

I just felt like this song was so beautiful that I had to share. I've heard the Garth Brooks version, but I stumbled across this version thanks to my Pandora account. I listened to the words again, and then again... This is the kind of love I've got to share with the world...

Bob Dylan wrote this song, but this version is sung by an Irish artist, Mick McAuley. I very much like the simple strumming of the guitar with this, and his voice is so smooth. It's the type of song that I'll listen to as part of my "sleepy time" playlist. Surely this voice, the guitar strumming and these words would inspire many nights of pleasant dreams.

Enjoy...

When the rain is blowing in your face,
and the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
to make you feel my love

----

Little Life Lesson

2011-01-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

I've been sick this week. In my congestion, I figured that the icy hot stick in my medicine cabinet could double as a vicks vaporub stand in.
The answer here is NO.
I now have a rash on my chest where I rubbed the icy hot.

Lesson learned.

Artwork

2011-01-19T09:45:00.001-08:00

A piece of my art, that has me wishing for spring!

Odd dream/spiritual experience.

2011-01-17T23:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a dream that really threw me for a loop. I'm not sure if it's in a good way, or in a bad way just yet.

I was me, but in two ways - one as an active participant in the dream itself and also then again as an observer.

In the dream, I met an adorable 9 month old baby boy with bright blue eyes. He was given to me. Yes, given to me. In the dream, someone physically gave him to me. The odd part about this, was that I also knew he was mine. I was able to have full conversations with this nine month old (mental conversations) where he was speaking to me without speaking to my observer self, while the active participant self carried on about her day with him. I hope this makes sense to someone.

I was being told all about him. Things he liked, things he didn't. But what struck me most was that he had a name that he was most definite about. Thomas Aiden. Then, he told me that I would understand the significance later. That he was the proof that I was right.

When I started to try and put more pieces together about why he was mine- when I was explaining that I was very much done having children and had no plans for more- and funnier than that, no "baby daddy" on the horizon, his response was very clear. "You're not in charge".

I woke up in a cold sweat.

I spent the better part of the morning trying to shrug it off on the fact that I re-read the Breaking Dawn novel yesterday, in which Bella does conceive and deliver a child. Then I thought maybe it was also because a friend and myself were discussing our children last night before bed as well, so I had kids on the brain.

This afternoon I left the house for a while because I just couldn't stand to be at home alone with my thoughts and needed a distraction. But no matter what, all day long, I couldn't shake the image of this blue eyed cutie-pie in my head. Here it is, nearly 24 hours later and I'm afraid to fall asleep for fear I'm going to get more of his story. I'm afraid the dream is going to repeat and I'll be incapacitated in thought for another day.

I don't know what's scarier, actually enjoying seeing him or being told point blank, "You're not in charge". For little Miss Planny-McPlannerson, that didn't quite go over so well.

I even went so far as to look up his name meanings online, figured maybe it would help me understand something. Thomas means "twin", Aiden means "fire/flame".

While I understand the significance of the name, I'm still baffled by the idea of the child itself.

I should add that I'm freaked out slightly more because before I had Madelyn, years and years ago, I met her in a dream before I even became pregnant with her. The dreams continued through most of the pregnancy, on and off, and I knew what she was going to look like, and that she'd be a girl, before she was born. Of course, she was three in most of the dreams I had of her, and used to laugh a lot. She actually looked just like I knew she would when she was three. Her laugh was the same too...

I don't know what this means, and it could very possibly mean nothing. But, I'm still freaking out. The only "good" news is that I don't know how old I was in the dream. Maybe it was just a dream. Maybe.

For now, I'm sticking to my "I'm not planning on having any more children" mantra. I can be in charge of that just plenty.

Brown Eyed Girl Olive Oil Soaps from Lady Luna Luxuries!

2011-01-17T19:45:00.001-08:00

On the drying rack, smelling delightful! Brown eyed girl has the scent of chestnuts and brown sugar.
Each bar is made with olive oil, water, sodium hydroxide and fragrance. The pure olive oil base leaves skin feeling ultra soft and moisturized.
You can get your own- or any other scent- at www.ladylunaluxuries.com
Pamper yourself. You deserve it!

Mobile Blogging Test.

2011-01-17T16:43:00.001-08:00

Testing!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Whatcha got to lose?

2011-01-16T15:29:00.000-08:00

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer's always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."

I'm in an emotional war with myself. Trusting or believing in something that has emotional value for me tends to be difficult for me. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've hurt before, or if it's because despite my stature, I have issues with confrontation. I'm a peacemaker. A lover, not a fighter...

There's nothing to fight about and no one really to fight with, but I feel sometimes like maybe the reasons I haven't found what I'm looking for in life are because sometimes I don't take that next step to truly go after something. When it comes to business decisions, I have no problem applying the above quote. When it comes to emotional decisions, I freeze.

I've had a few thoughts lately about changing the way I react to some situations. Instead of being sweet and polite, I'm going to just let a comment rip without thinking about it. Instead of bottling up my emotions, I'm going to find the strength to face them and be open about them. I can't drive myself crazy sitting here in neutral. It's time that I throw my emotional self into gear, drop the pedal to the floor and let those wild horses run free. It's only then that my scenery is going to change.

It's interesting how some people come into your life and make such an impact without them even knowing how deeply they've touched your soul. I am grateful for that. I am. I try to show people close to me that they make a difference in my life. I hope I convey that well enough.

My ex-husband once accused me of being an "emotional ice queen". It's really not true. I've got this river of emotional lava running through me fast and hot. Little known facts: I cry at sappy movies, I love with all I've got, I keep my passions about life and love close to my heart. I don't like to cry in front of people.

I'm not an ice queen, I'm just very adept at putting up walls around me when I feel like I'm going to be hurt. I'm great at putting walls up just because I think I have the potential to be hurt. I'm going to change that this year.

I'm not complaining. Not at all. I feel so "emo" for writing the above. Next on the agenda, I'll be wearing skinny jeans and buying black nail polish and lipgloss at Halloween Express. Ha. Like they even HAVE skinny jeans for curvy girls. What a hoot.

Back from the gym

2011-01-13T12:28:00.000-08:00

I took it easy today, and only did two miles on the treadmill, followed by a half-hearted attempt at abdominal work. I just didn't want to over-do it and then not want to go back. Next time, three miles. I also promised myself to find the yoga DVD that's packed away in a box and actually stretch it out tonight. I called my girlfriend Rhonda to see if she had anything I could use.

Food-wise, I'm going to cut back on some of my carb intake, and increase my protein and leafy greens. More fresh fruits/veggies, less bread and noodles. Which means, basically, that helushki for me is going to be off limits, unless I primarily eat only the cabbage and skip on the noodle pieces.

I weighed myself too. Gah. Let's just say I have 51 lbs to lose to get to my target weight.

Even though I had guessed about 50 lbs, I was sad to realize that it was quite the reality. Now, for the execution of the plan to drop this dead weight.

All I can think about is how cute I'm going to look rocking out that pair of jeans that I love so much... it's a motivator. I'm contemplating hanging them on the wall behind my bedroom door. I need to find myself a workout buddy too, I'm incredibly self motivated, but I know that on days I'm feeling lazy, depressed or pre-menstrual, I probably won't want to do anything but lay around- and I need a buddy who will deliver a swift kick in the ass on those days.

That's all for now. Time for me to do my daily housework dash, in my sneakers... I think that some of this should count as aerobic exercise.

Even Online Shopping Gets Me Down

2011-01-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

Julia Childs Complex

I watched the movie Julie/Julia and I had to chuckle a little bit when Julia Childs mentions that she likes shopping for food in Paris better than dress shopping, simply because there's no store that carries her size anyway.

I'm not ridiculously obese, by any means, but I'm a tall girl with an overly ample chest size and about average size in the waist and hips. For me, clothes shopping can often be ridiculously frustrating. I love dresses, but can't find many that will accommodate my large breasts, and often times, I'm pretty much stuck to a v-neck to have it look remotely flattering.

I've only wanted a breast reduction since these things grew in, when I was about 16. They've served me well, and served my babies well, but now, they're fairly obsolete in the usage department.

As I crammed on three sports bras this morning to layer for enough "hold", I realized that I'm so tired of always having a sore back & sore shoulders- and I really wish that I could afford the breast reduction.

Plastic Surgery?

I'm really not the type of girl who likes needles, much less the thought of being sliced open, but in the past few years, I've tried to keep my eyes open for opportunities to sign up for TV shows or something that would allow me to get this surgery done without being financially in the hole. I've had insurance look at it before, and of course, they denied it- I would have had a substantial co-pay that I wouldn't be able to afford.

So maybe this is the year. After I lose the weight in my 50 day challenge, I think it's time to talk to someone about a marketing opportunity. I have enough tools in my own toolbox to make a deal with a plastic surgery office. For one, I'm extremely experienced in SEO - so I could always offer some of my services in exchange for some of theirs. I've been a marketing girl for long enough that I would and could offer myself up on the marketing table as well, in return for being placed upon the surgery table.

Surely there's an experienced doctor out there who needs website work or a marketing plan that goes beyond the typical "get yourself bathing suit ready" campaign.

Vanity

I'm not even ashamed to admit it. I like to look good. But what's so frustrating, was that I spent an entire hour and a half on Modcloth.com looking at really adorable dresses and I knew that the majority of those, I wouldn't be able to fit in, thanks to the twins. I have this fascination with all things 1940s, but a lot of the necklines that cut across the collarbone aren't flattering to a chesty woman.

I'm not saying I would expect to NOT have boobs, I would probably enjoy being a full C or even D cup. At the moment, I'm topping out at the DDD/F area. If some were to measure, I'm scared I might even meet up with Mama G.

I guess the next thing is to just keep working out and talk to people and see if this can be a reality rather than a dream. I'm so tired of carrying these girls around. Beyond the obvious weight of them, once I lose weight, it garners me even more of the attention I don't wish to seek. With the weight on, I still get it, but once I'm in shape again, it's worse- which is another reason I think I have allowed myself to put on the weight- I can stop some of the crass comments or men hitting on me. A subconscious sabotage to my own health for reasons of not being pursued so directly.

That sounds lame, but it's really something worth thinking about. It's not the only reason, but it sure is one of them.

Well, off to the gym. The treadmill and I are going to finally meet each other and I'm off to listen to Pandora while walking along- the snow has subsided enough that I can get out of my house.

At tax time, I may very well invest in a treadmill of my own again. I lost the last one I had in a storage unit fire.

A Fifty Day Challenge

2011-01-11T21:47:00.000-08:00

I've had it. It's time to change.

I'm issuing myself a 50 day Challenge. I'm going to actively try to get myself back in shape in the next 50 days. I'm going to work out in SOME fashion each day, resting only on Sundays.

I'll document it here, since I also mentioned working more on writing... and that kind of kills two birds with one stone.

The last time I committed myself to a project like this, was about 5 years ago. I ended up changing my life so dramatically that I was in better shape than I was when I was in high school.

With my separation, divorce, moves, children, job stresses and financial stresses, I have let myself go a bit. I think it was all too much for me to keep up with my exercise routine. But now, things are changing a bit. It's just time for me to be a little more healthy. I know, because of my past experience, that even the little changes can make a big difference.

So, challenge issued. Tomorrow, my happy rear end has a date with Pandora, my new headphones and the treadmill. :) Then I'm going to dig out my Yoga DVDs and get myself on a schedule. It tones and relaxes at the same time...

What's my biggest motivation? The first weekend in March is when I get to see many of my friends in Nashville again for the first time in a long time. I've got a couple pairs of jeans that I'd really love to wear... and some new dresses that I'd like to look my best in.

Vanity? Absolutely. It's one of my easiest forms of motivation. I want to look good this year. Drop, dead gorgeous...I know I'll feel great and look great. I can't wait. :)

The biggest part of any weight loss plan is drinking plenty of water and getting a decent amount of rest. So, on that note, I'm signin' off and heading to bed. :)

What the hell...

2011-01-10T11:19:00.000-08:00

I figured I'd go ahead and just see what kind of creativity I could spew at the moment.

Do you know who I am?

The words scream from my soul

Will you hurt me again?

I've really got to know

Do I give you my heart?

Even thought it's already yours

When we lay down at night

And pillow talk

Walls come down with the switch of the light

We pillow talk

I never stopped caring

I truly love you

I've processed it all

I've felt like a fool

I've hurt worse than ever

I've missed you like hell

Don't hurt me, you said

And I replied with the same

I told you I loved you

then you held me tight

Kissed me on the forehead

and whispered Goodnight

The familiar ding of your phone

Broke through the silence

I saw her name across the screen

Silently, I began to scream

I reached down deep, closed my eyes

Guarded myself for potential lies

Grounded my emotions

I won't cry today

I have no hold on you

So what's left to say?

Maybe a little too honest?

2011-01-10T10:48:00.000-08:00

A lot of my friends know that I enjoy writing poetry and song lyrics. Truthfully, I haven't done nearly as much as I used to of either lately. I haven't been "in the mood" to write things down. I've always got words swirling around in my head, or lines to a chorus or poem that I think up, but haven't felt much for writing it down lately.

I ran into someone I had known a few years ago, and he asked me if I was "doing much writing". When I responded "no, not really", he looked shocked and said, "Well, why the hell not?"

I think I said something along the lines of "I just haven't really made the time lately, and I've been busy with the kids", which is a complete cop-out.

His reply was, "Well, you're good and you should keep it up, make a little time to do more of it." After exchanging a few more kind words and changing the subject, I couldn't help but think about the actual conversation over and over again. Then, I started to think about my reasoning for not writing all that much lately.

The real, honest answer, after hours of thoughtful soul searching?

I just don't want to be hurt again. I write from my soul and most often, it's unabashedly personal to whatever is in the corner of my mind at the time. Last year, I really had some major losses, hurts, and one knock out blow to my sensitivity. I took some time away from being that "open" about my thoughts. I took time away from being "me" publicly, and stuck with comments about the news and weather.

The real, honest answer is that I didn't write because I didn't want to expose my already bleeding soul. I needed time to heal myself before I could ready and steady myself for being open to others again.

Am I better? No.

Am I better now than I was then? Yes.

I've learned what parts of me I'm not willing to share at this time. Truthfully, I should take the time and write things in private for only my consumption, but even that- the method of taking a pen to paper and making my thought process a reality in ink... for me, is still too personal and finite.

So that's why there hasn't been a whole lot from me, creatively, in these past few months. Maybe it's a little too honest to post? Maybe it's just the amount of honest I need to be sharing.

Time heals all wounds, right? Well for me, so do words. It may be time to get back on the creative writing horsey.

Moments of Uncontrollable Emotion

2011-01-08T04:27:00.000-08:00

I'm a tough cookie. At least, I think I am, most of the time.

After the movie last night, I ended up in a conversation about my marriage/divorce and I realized that I definitely have more to work through with some of the pain that's still lingering there. On a day to day basis, I'm fine. I feel like I've moved past a lot of it. In fact, I've been a sounding board to friends about their emotions... and I realized tonight that maybe I'm still not back to normal. Maybe I'm not over all the emotions I've so carefully jarred and shelved.

What is normal anyway?

Some days it's just tough to be me. The juggling of responsibilities weighs heavily on my mind. For instance, it's a Saturday, and I should be sleeping... but instead I'm awake and contemplating life at 6:30am.

Another friend of mine seems to be avoiding me more than usual. It's almost as if every opportunity to avoid one on one conversation with me is being put in place. I think part of it is because we have things to talk about, and I don't think it's a subject that we're ready to broach entirely as of yet, while we're still testing the waters. Still, it's somewhat painful at times. We both had hurt feelings. Sigh. What can ya do.

The combination of all of this has me awake and unable to fall back asleep. Then I started thinking about the laundry to do, so I started a load... and I'm hoping if I stare at this keyboard for a little bit, I'll tire my eyes out enough to sleep for maybe another hour or so- before the kids get up.

I think I'll try now...

Love. Live & Learn.

2011-01-06T05:19:00.000-08:00

I was praying/journaling last night (yes, with actual pen and paper) and came to this conclusion about love.

All the times that I seem to have thought that I was in love, I think that I had part of the equation right, but not the entire thing. It was close. Some closer than others. I started flipping through the bible to one of my favorite verses, 1 Corinthians 4-7.. The one that most everyone knows about love:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And here's what I thought: The times I have loved, I have been patient, and kind. I rarely get jealous, I don't often flaunt it and I'm usually blissfully happy. In addition, I tend to follow this whole verse nearly verbatim. I'm not the jealous type, I understand misunderstandings, I'm one of the best protectors that there is on this earth and I'm full of hope and endurance.

Now, the next few lines are what had me...

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

This part made the most sense to me. I've been promised things, I've had dreams about relationships, been led around like a bunny with a carrot on a string in some instances for way too long. Sometimes, the NOT knowing where things are headed within a relationship is probably for the best. I feel this sort of love in some friendships of mine. For instance, my friend Jessica, who I've known since I was 14. We have this sort of love. No matter what we go through in life, we love each other and support each other. There's no pretense of promises, only a show of support when it's needed, a smile or a laugh when we get together, conversations that can get very deep and spiritual... That's the kind of love that's really working in my life right now. I have other friendships where it's very similar to that now as well, that I've developed as an adult.

Love isn't gender specific, and I'm thankful that while I'm waiting for God to send me the man to enhance my life, I can recognize the love I have with my friends and family. It's enduring.

I believe that love is a powerful force in this world. I see it very clearly, but at the same time, there's much yet to be revealed to me. So for now, I know in part... and I pray that I will see it fully.

Live and learn. Live and learn. Live and learn.

I've always had faith, hope and love. It's true that the most powerful and greatest of these is love. With love, all things are possible.

Go tell someone you love them today. Tell them they're appreciated, tell them you really enjoy having them in your life. It doesn't have to be a romantic type of love, just tell someone that is special to you exactly why they light up your life. Pass on the love in your life, it's multiplied when we share it with others.

With a little help from our friends...

2011-01-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

Please comment, post and share... we'd like to help Shanna get her song in the movie Breaking Dawn.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-03T18:17:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Trip

As I mentioned in my previous post, I spent the holidays in Fort Lauderdale, FL with my family. It was the first time we've had a full family Christmas in a few years. It was great too because the kids had the opportunity to spend time with their dad as well as his side of the extended family for the holidays.

My parents renewed their vows as well- after nearly 34 years of marriage, in a family ceremony on the beach.

Good Times with Old (and New) Friends

The day after Christmas, as a general rule, my high school alma mater holds their annual alumni Christmas party. It was absolutely wonderful to see so many people that I hadn't seen in such a long time. I always enjoy that party and try to make it whenever possible.

As the week went on, it was fantastic to be able to have the chance to laugh and sing and get to know some people better. It was great to end up in deep conversations with some new friends and openly speak about some of my own dreams and intentions. It was also refreshing to hear that I wasn't alone in a lot of my desires for my life. Surprisingly, I heard similar thought processes from a man.

The week was a lot of fun, spending time with family and friends. I have a new love for the game "Catch Phrase". I forgot how much I really enjoyed being social.

The Drive

The one major part of the trip to Florida, is the drive there- and the drive back. It's about 17 hours. Four kids in the car for 17 hours, as well as sitting and driving that long alone takes a lot out of a girl. It would take a lot out of anyone, I guess. I haven't had to do that kind of driving for a long time. I wanted to be back home for New Year's. So I made it in finally around 5am on New Year's Eve- and definitely needed my rest.

Thoughts for The New Year

Many people make resolutions. Most of those fall flat. I'd like to set goals. My goals are to eat a little healthier in the new year and get back to the healthy me that I have been before. To spend more time enjoying my children while they are young and focus on family time as much as I can. To continue developing this soap and candle business with my mother because it's something I really enjoy making. I'd also like to spend more time with friends who are important in my life. The people who make me a priority, not an option. The people who value me for what I have to offer in this world, who enhance me and encourage me to be the best that I can be.

Change your conversation and change your outcome, right? This year I plan to continue to attract positivity into my life and dispel negativity. I will continue to encourage my spiritual growth, continue to encourage my creative growth and consciously try to keep all options open for the positivity to manifest itself into my life.

The Big 33

I turn 33 in about a month. This year holds special meaning for me, because I see it as a year of "transformation". Just as a caterpillar turns to a butterfly, that's how I view this upcoming year. My season is changing. As someone with Christian beliefs, I also recognize the biblical implications of the number 33. Jesus died on the cross for us when he was 33. He transformed at this age, from walking with us as a man, to fulfilling a prophecy, dying and coming back to life. His resurrection is surely the greatest transformation one could imagine.

So this year, I plan on a physical and spiritual resurrection of sorts. I feel that for me, in the past several years, I have come through many obstacles and I feel that I am ready to do what I can to be a stronger person this year to help others. That will be part of my change. Mostly, I'm open to being surprised to new or unplanned happinesses. I'm looking forward and not looking back. Life is good and this year, I intend on riding that "good" train the entire way through.

I hope and pray that you all have a wonderful 2011 as well.

Thoughts and Such.

2010-12-21T21:38:00.000-08:00

A re-introduction to blogging.

I realize that I haven't really posted much. I haven't written many of my deep thoughts up here for a while. The tarot card readings posted does not a blog make.

I understand that.

I haven't had much to share in the way of my personal life, mainly because, well, I've felt like keeping it all to myself. I'm not sure if that's a privacy thing or if it's just a thing that I've needed for me to deal with things on my own.

I also know that my friends can read this- and what's worse, the people that aren't my friends. So I have protected myself a little bit more and not shared much of what I've most definitely wanted to scream from the rooftops on some days.

But I'm going to try again. I'm going to attempt to clear out some of the cobwebs in my mind and write again. I can't guarantee it will be good, but I am going to at least try- for the sake of a possible growth thing.

What you write, lasts for a long time

I didn't realize how going back over the past several years of blogging and reading each one brought me right back to the moments that I had almost forgotten. I also think it's funny because there are a lot of similarities even now with some of the same situations, but yet, the tables have turned a bit.

It may be time to update some of those.

The Jon Update.

You know, I'm almost ashamed at how much space this man has taken up in all my blogs. But, I can say that I'm thankful for the experience. Jon and I have gone through an emotional roller coaster in the past few years, and I stepped off the ride this year.

Around May, we went out as friends and got in our usual groove of having a great time together. We then sat on his front porch and had a conversation, where he explained to me that while he cared for me and still loved me, he didn't think he could be a part of my life because he couldn't handle the fact that I had four children. I scoffed at that and explained to him that there was no way that he could blame the kids for his bullshit excuses and that he knew when he met me that the kids came first no matter what, and that they were an extension of me - so that was the lamest excuse in the world for him not doing anything about it, and I wasn't going to stand for my kids to be the scapegoats for his immaturity.

He apologized and I left. We didn't talk much during June or July... or even August. Around September, he needed some help from me as a friend, and I was willing to give it. We've gotten back to being just friends, and nothing more. At this point, I explained to him that the "thrill is gone". I don't love him like I used to. I don't want a future with him. I don't want anything more than friendship from him. NOTHING.

It came to a head last week too. We went out running a few Christmas errands, and then stopped by for a few beers on the way home. I went to drop him off and he started talking about how he still loved me. I stopped him RIGHT THERE and explained that it was unfair of him to start in on the same old shit again and again because he sure as hell wasn't going to do anything about it and that I didn't want him to anyway. I explained that there was a time I would have moved mountains for him if I could have, but that he lost that opportunity every time he decided to show up in my life, then pull away. I got used to the fact that he wasn't going to be there, and I moved on.

It was a very healthy closure-type conversation for me, and in it, I referenced another friend of mine who reminded me to "never settle"... and laughed - in mid-emotional conversation - because I truly took that lesson to heart, and had just applied it.

So that's it for Jon, I don't think he'll be making a blog appearance much in 2011. I'd like to leave him behind in 2010. He'll always be a friend, but I think even that line is going to slowly fade with time.

I'm in a relationship with myself.

Part of me wants to start singing The Divinyls... because I laugh when I say the above sentence. It's true though. I've decided, after doling out relationship advice earlier this year to the friend who reminded me to "never settle", to take my own advice that I gave to him.

What did I say? "You can't love anyone else until you can truly love yourself". That's just it. I love me, and I know it, but I'm really working on strengthening the bond that I have with myself because it's what really matters. I also figure that if I concentrate on myself and my spirituality, then God will send me someone to complete the picture in His own timing.

I've done a lot of reading, praying, searching... and it's funny, I seem to all fall right along the same path over and over again. I know what I'm looking for, and what's really interesting is that in reading my older blogs, I've seen that the things I asked for back then, have begun to apply in my life at this moment. Nothing's written in stone, but the fact that I knew what I wanted then, and some of the friendships I have now, they're following that righteous path.

It's because I applied some of my life lessons. It's because I love myself more now and I'll keep loving myself more every day.

Christmas, New Years, Another Year Older

I simply can't believe that 2010 is wrapping up. Ten days left. I truly don't know where this whole year has gone. I have a small calendar book that I write events in on occasion, and I was flipping through that last night, in preparation for the lunar eclipse, thinking about the winter solstice is usually a time for reflection on the years events... and I think about the things that I have accomplished this year.

I have most definitely met some of my goals.

I moved across the country, to provide a better education for my children, a better quality of life for them, and a less stressful financial situation for me.

My mother and I started working together making and selling soaps and candles by revamping a company that I used to own.

My children are happy, healthy and know they are loved.

The people I choose to keep around me are positive, loving and respectful.

There's men in my life, but none in a way that would detract from my goals of finding a partner. I value myself more than I did when I was first divorced.

I recite quotes from the Steve Harvey book that I wrote about ages ago. "Boys Shack, Men Make Homes". I'm holding out for the man I'm supposed to meet to complete our family.

This coming year, I'll be turning 33. I look at that number and for me, it holds so much meaning. Jesus died when he was 33. What can I do in this next year to make it memorable? What can I begin to do so that I can leave a lasting, positive impression on the world? Jesus completed his mission at 33, I look for ways to continually improve mine at 33.

Body Art and Thoughts

I don't think I mentioned it here before, after reading through my old blogs, but back in July, I decided to add to my body art. I had the word "believe." tattooed on the inner side of my right wrist in a brown color.

"believe." - is a statement on my wrist.

It's written so that when I put my head in my hands, I have to see it and be reminded that I'm not running the show here.

I have it there to remind me to believe in myself, to believe in God, to believe in love (especially on those days that I'm feeling lonely), to believe in all the good things that are in my life and to believe that no matter what, it will all work out in the end.

For me, the statement is emotional, physical and spiritual. It's the best tattoo I've ever gotten.

The memory of the day that I was getting it is also something I cherish. My friend and I were having breakfast while I was visiting Nashville. He had mentioned wanting to have his ex's name blacked out of where it was on his arm in the past, and we were talking about tattoos over eggs and bacon. I mentioned that I had wanted another one, and that I knew what I was going to get, but I just hadn't had the time to really look into it, or even know what it would cost me. By the time we finished our plates, we decided to take a trip over to the tattoo shop to ask about the pricing for each of our desired ink.

As we waited, we joked about silly things and laughed. When we both got our quotes, they were low enough that I said that I would even pay for both of ours because it would make me smile knowing that he would be smiling from accomplishing his goal, he'd think of that day when he looked at it- and that it would make me laugh knowing that we both did something so absolutely silly as getting tattooed right after a breakfast conversation.

So we did. He took a video of his tattoo experience, and one of mine as well (though I don't have the video- and that reminds me to ask him for it so that I can keep the file), but after we were both bandaged up, we laughed and giggled about it for the next hour or two over lunch and a few beers.

It was a fun, fun day, though I would not suggest to anyone to pick the inner wrist as a tattoo spot- of the three tattoos, that one was by far the most painful. Glad it's over and done.

Wrapping it up

So there ya have it. I'm trying my best to blog a little bit more. I'm going to try and remember to do more of it in the coming year as well. I really appreciate all the things that I've been able to go back and read that I nearly forgot about, so I figure that even if it's just "for me", I'm going to make a concerted effort to post more, and think about who's reading it less. I love to write, and it's how I work through many of my emotions, so I'm going to do it.

In addition, I was having a conversation with one of my friends about the fact that I was an English major all those years ago, and yet, I have dumbed down my language so much in the past ten years that I don't get to use all the beautiful words that I loved so much. I'm not sure if the simplicity of my word choices came from having children and speaking to them in words they could understand more easily or if it was a result of just not surrounding myself with intellectuals as much. It may be a combination of both. I'd like to work on playing with word complexity again in 2011. Let's take the average grade level of my blog up a notch.

That is all for tonight, I'm exhausted and I must turn in. Tomorrow, I drive from Indiana to Fort Lauderdale, FL after a day of packing, cleaning and the rest of my daily life. I'm excited to see family, celebrate Christmas and I really hope that I don't forget to put the presents under the tree before I leave. How is this Santa thing going to work when I have all the kids??? Damn it, I have to wrap things tomorrow too. Oh joy.

Goodnight, readers.

Winter Solstice Reading... Hm.

2010-12-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

Sibyl of Wands

Ten of Swords

In the Before position
Represents the state of the querent's relationships with others.

Meaning: Actual physical death is rarely described by the Ten of Swords. More likely it marks the end of a deeply troubled situation or idea, or a multitude of problems striking all at once. Whatever you feared most may have come to pass, leaving your life in ruins. As painful as this destruction may be, it is absolutely necessary. Come to terms with the reality of the situation and find the strength to see yourself through this time. Surrender, and welcome the opportunity to end a cycle of pain and step into a better future. The worst is over; things can only improve. Like Osiris, you can rise again, renewed and wiser for your experience.

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Seer of Wands

In the Self position
Indicates the querent's psychological state and attitudes which can greatly affect the outcome of the matter.

Meaning: Don’t be surprised at her frankness; the Seer of Wands is not one to mince words! Her hot temper and impulsiveness will get her into all kinds of trouble. Filled with the youthful notion that she is indestructible, she can be daring to the point of danger. This spunky girl may not be practical, but her enthusiasm is worth encouraging. It will lead her to her true calling. Maturity and responsibility can come later. This Seer may represent a bold person in your life, or she may be asking you to nurture your own adventurous spirit.

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The High Priestess

In the House position
Represents the querent's environment and unseen forces influencing the situation.

Meaning: The High Priestess invites you to come to a place of stillness, receptivity, and self-awareness. To experience her mystical vision, you may need to cultivate your ability to hear your intuition through meditation or dreamwork. Trust your inner oracle, for the knowledge you seek is within.

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Two of Swords

In the Hopes position
Indicates the hopes and fears of the querent.

Meaning: Listen closely to your intuition. Don’t over-intellectualize the situation; stay connected to your feelings. Confidence, mental agility, peace, and composure are the gifts of this card, but be wary of procrastination. Are you facing a decision or running away from it? You cannot stay suspended between choices forever and will soon need to take action. Otherwise this time of introspection may only amount to self-delusion.

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Seer of Pentacles

In the Outcome position
Indicates the outcome of the matter.

Meaning: The Seer of Pentacles describes a studious person with great focus and determination. Though you may find her reflected in another, she surely points to aspects of yourself to pay attention to.

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A new one...

2010-12-12T23:07:00.001-08:00

I love checking the Tarot deck... it's usually pretty decent in terms of things going on in my life, so this one is fairly optimistic! LOL...

ABOUT THE CARDS IN YOUR READING

Sage of Swords

In the Cover position
Indicates the querent in relationship to the present situation.

Meaning: Just but not merciful, the Sage of Swords may seem heartless in the decisions he hands down. He despises anything that sounds emotional, illogical, or even remotely mystical. He can also get too wrapped up in his power, becoming rigid and controlling. The Sage of Swords may appear in your life as a clever but overly critical person. He may also be encouraging you to act with authority. In either case, he cautions you not to allow your intellect to overrule your heart.

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Nine of Pentacles

In the Cross position
Represents the positive forces or assets in the querent's favor. If this card should happen to be a negative card, it indicates the nature of an obstacles that is hindering progress. (The card in this position is always interpreted in its upright manner.)

Meaning: The Nine of Pentacles congratulates you on your accomplishments. A successful and productive life is surely something to bask in and enjoy. Within this garden of solitary leisure, we can learn to truly be content with our own company. Knowing your own worth from an inner place, regardless of how others view your achievements, is priceless. With a strong sense of your own unique abilities and the knowledge that you can take care of yourself, you will bloom like a well-tended garden. The ability to love and appreciate oneself is the ultimate success.

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Seeker of Wands

In the Beneath position
Can be viewed as a message from the "higher self." It can also reflect the querent's potential aspirations.

Meaning: In a reading, the Seeker of Wands may herald the need for a change of scenery. He may also symbolize an adventurous but rash person in your life. Or he may be pointing to tendencies within yourself to consider.

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Seeker of Pentacles

In the Crown position
Represents past events and influences that color and give rise to the current situation.

Meaning: The Seeker of Pentacles is a worker bee. Above all else he wants security in his life, and he will work slowly and steadily toward it. Believing that a simple lifestyle is best, he has a meditative, even sacred approach to his work. He carries out his tasks without complaint and serves others with a glad heart. Although he manages his time and resources well, he lacks spontaneity and can become stuck in his ways. Yet since his aims are so humble, he often attains them. The Seeker’s teachings may come to you through a trustworthy and responsible person, or he may symbolize aspects of yourself worth cultivating.

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Eight of Cups

In the Behind position
Represents the preoccupation of the subconscious which filters into waking life, affecting moods and outlook. This is the underlying theme of dreams and the emotional undercurrent in the querent's life.

Meaning: The heart’s yearning for a deeper meaning cannot be ignored. The Eight of Cups calls you to begin a spiritual quest, to withdraw your energy from the world to be more present with your inner life. Whether you hike up the Himalayas or retreat to your room, give yourself plenty of time alone. Creative solitude is the single most important thing that will help replenish your joy in living. You may also bring back greater self-awareness, spiritual insights, and possibly a whole new set of values.

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The Lovers

In the Before position
Represents the state of the querent's relationships with others.

Meaning: When this card appears, be prepared for a new love in your life or be ready to work on a current relationship. The Lovers beckon you to be deliberate in your choices. The challenge is to learn how to give yourself without losing yourself. Trust in love, and don’t let fear keep you from commitment if it feels right.

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The Star

In the Self position
Indicates the querent's psychological state and attitudes which can greatly affect the outcome of the matter.

Meaning: The Star brings healing and wholeness. Her appearance promises renewal, instilling us with hope and optimism. She foretells calm and peace, particularly after difficulty, and the chance to begin again. If the Star graces your reading, breathe deeply and feel her healing waters flow through your life.

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Seer of Cups

In the House position
Represents the querent's environment and unseen forces influencing the situation.

Meaning: The Seer of Cups encourages you to spend time alone journaling, dreaming, or exploring nature. She may describe an introspective person in your life, and almost certainly points to qualities worth nurturing within yourself right now.

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Six of Pentacles

In the Hopes position
Indicates the hopes and fears of the querent.

Meaning: If you find yourself in need, expect help in some form with your financial situation: an inheritance, a grant, a gift, or simply some useful advice. The human heart holds a profound capacity for generosity. But be sure to be thrifty and to explore creative ways to meet your needs. Charity is not to be relied on as a lifestyle. If you are doing well, share some of your abundance. And remember, offering to teach someone a new skill can be just as valuable as money.

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Seer of Pentacles

Tarot Reading...on this full moon night...

2010-11-21T20:39:00.001-08:00

This one is dead on....

Selected Deck:	World Spirit Tarot		Select a different Deck or Layout
Selected Layout:	Celtic Cross		About the Deck

YOUR TAROT READING

ABOUT THE CARDS IN YOUR READING

Seven of Cups

In the Cover position
Indicates the querent in relationship to the present situation.

Meaning: Bringing your visions down to earth requires choosing among the brimming cups. Are you following your dreams or just dreaming? Balancing your creative inspiration with some practicality can transform what is now only wishful thinking into reality.

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Strength

In the Cross position
Represents the positive forces or assets in the querent's favor. If this card should happen to be a negative card, it indicates the nature of an obstacles that is hindering progress. (The card in this position is always interpreted in its upright manner.)

Meaning: You may find the courage to take risks, face your fears, begin a daunting project, or persevere in a difficult situation. This card also asks you to look at the balance in your life between subduing your passions and expressing them. And remember the quiet voice reminding you that great strength can be found in small things.

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Nine of Cups

In the Beneath position
Can be viewed as a message from the "higher self." It can also reflect the querent's potential aspirations.

Meaning: The Nine of Cups is known fondly as the “wishing card.” Now is the time to visualize your desires and intentions, for chances are good that your dreams will come true. Financial security, health and vitality, companionship, love, and happiness are among the blessings you can ask of this card. Fortune is smiling upon you, so make the best of this opportunity.

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Ace of Wands

In the Crown position
Represents past events and influences that color and give rise to the current situation.

Meaning: The Ace of Wands, like all the aces, holds magnificent potential. This card presents the best qualities of the suit of fire: strength, power, inspiration, passion, and transformation. This upsurge of creativity marks an auspicious time to begin new projects and take on new challenges

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Nine of Wands

In the Behind position
Represents the preoccupation of the subconscious which filters into waking life, affecting moods and outlook. This is the underlying theme of dreams and the emotional undercurrent in the querent's life.

Meaning: The Nine of Wands warns against being constantly on “red alert.” Ask yourself how much defensiveness is enough in this situation? How much is just paranoia, an over-reaction based on hard knocks of the past? If a challenge does arise, you will be in a better position to meet it than you may think. Dedication, discipline, and persistence have prepared you for whatever comes your way, so don’t get so geared up for trouble that you sit around waiting for it. If all your energy goes into protecting what you have, nothing real has been gained.

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The Empress

In the Before position
Represents the state of the querent's relationships with others.

Meaning: In a reading, the Empress calls on you to love and care for yourself, body and soul. Follow your emotions and listen to your instincts. She also asks you to embody her qualities of nurturance, and give something of your own glory to the world.

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Five of Wands

In the Self position
Indicates the querent's psychological state and attitudes which can greatly affect the outcome of the matter.

Meaning: If you find yourself fighting another, see if you can find the source of the trouble. It could just be a misunderstanding that has led to this fiery struggle. Then again, a genuine conflict of interest may be at the root of it. Either way, maintain a sense of fair play; there’s no need for things to get ugly. If you let your anger get the better of you, the chance of someone getting hurt increases. Lashing out may be gratifying in the moment, but real violence and an enduring loss of trust may result. The repercussions could last for a long time. Be confident yet playful in the face of opposition. Just don’t get too cocky; compromise may be necessary. Don’t worry—given the dynamic nature of the wands, your creativity is sure to surge and burn away the source of tension.

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Ten of Cups

In the House position
Represents the querent's environment and unseen forces influencing the situation.

Meaning: This card celebrates the joys of familial love. It speaks to the special trust that is built over time through sharing trials and adventures. This understanding lends a quality of security, contentment, and harmony to one’s life. In our busy world, the simple pleasures of domestic life are easy to overlook. This card asks you to take a moment to appreciate your life, your home, and your loved ones. Open your heart, dance with the universe, and feel the love that pours forth for you.

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Five of Swords

In the Hopes position
Indicates the hopes and fears of the querent.

Meaning: Hopes have been shattered, ambitions crushed, vulnerabilities exploited by others. The enemy could be another individual, “the system,” or your own shortcomings or lack of self-respect. In any case, the defeat brings humiliation and a sense of helplessness. Life may feel like a cruel joke. These humbling circumstances are not completely grim. Pain can be a profound catalyst for growth, and dissolution offers the opportunity for a new start. To avoid being caught in a spiraling dynamic of bitterness and treachery, resign yourself to losing the battle. Search for the lessons that lie in the ruins. If you are the one who feels powerful and conquering at this time, ask yourself how you got here. Does a trail of others’ tears lie in your wake? When people gain at the expense of others, everyone ultimately loses.

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Two of Pentacles

In the Outcome position
Indicates the outcome of the matter.

Meaning: The Two of Pentacles marks the search for equilibrium during a very busy time. You are juggling a life full of projects and commitments, trying to find the resources to support them all. Your life is a balancing act between worldly affairs and inner challenges, responsibilities and having fun. The juggler’s trick is to maintain grace, gaiety, and adaptability in the midst of change. She shows you how to combine outer achievements with inner growth, allowing one to feed the other. If you can manage to keep up your present commitments, this is an excellent time to begin new projects. Money and energy are available for these endeavors, but you will need to take a few risks and make full use of your talents. Even if your hands are full, you have the opportunity to learn to see the sacredness in daily tasks, and develop spiritually through work and play.

I'm so blessed.

2010-11-17T08:34:00.001-08:00

Last week, I was feeling very alone. My friends were busy with their lives, and that little demon "Lonely" started creeping in on me. On Friday, I received a call from my friend Mark, who lives in Nashville and he let me know how one of our mutual friends was doing and that he had asked about me and wanted to get in touch with me but didn't have my new number.

I got the information and gave him a call, then was able to laugh and joke around for a while. I can't tell you how good it felt to be able to talk to someone I hadn't spoken with since January and missed dearly. We talked for a while, then made plans to get together and have Mark join us as well. They came up to visit with me this past weekend. It was fantastic to have some old friends come visit when I was feeling that bit of loneliness creep in.

Veteran's Day

2010-11-11T15:09:00.000-08:00

I'd really like to take the time to thank all Veterans - past and present - for their service.

Today, at the kids' school, they had their Grandparents day and they showed a video about veterans. It was only a three minute video, but it was so moving- it had me wiping away tears. Just that kind of heart felt, thank you, pull yourself away from your iPod, DS, laptop, conversations or any other distraction... sit and watch, listen, and see/realize what the word VETERAN means.

Sacrifice for one's country... and for those I know personally who have served, the willingness to do it all over again- because it meant they were protecting their rights and the rights of all citizens here.

My grandparents both served in the Navy during WWII. My grandfather also served in Korea. My grandmother was a part of the WAVES. I have within me, a deep appreciation for those who devoted their time and their lives for this country. Today's the day the whole country pays tribute, but every day is truly one of appreciation.

Again, thank you to all who have served, all who are serving, and all who plan on serving our country in the future.

Cool song found on an old LP...

2010-11-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

I think I'm going to download the whole iTunes album. I'm diggin' it all right now... but I love these lyrics.

Renaissance - I Think Of You

I love you like a stream
Flows restless to the sea
See you like the mist
Touches clouds, touches me

See you in the stars
Whereever you may be
I think of you
Think of you

If ever youre near
And have some time to spend
I love you every way
Love you like a friend

And then when you leave
A whisper in my mind
I think of you
Think of you

When I see a bird
Fly over to the sea
And the sun in the sky
Is shining warm and free

And when I feel the wind
Blow cool over me
I think of you
Think of you

Night Visions Between Worlds

2010-11-08T21:03:00.001-08:00

Between Worlds

Sheer exhaustion rips through me

I collapse into bed

Wrap myself in blankets

And close my eyes.

Instead of drifting into dreams

You visit me while I

Suspend myself

Between time and space

Between worlds.

In those moments of silence

Souls connect

I speak without speaking

You hear without sound

You know, I feel

Colors and emotions

Symphonically swirl

Around our energies

Between worlds.

You leave me alone again

I feel refreshed

I feel renewed

The pain is gone

I'm ready to move on

I've got to let you go

I'll miss you till

We're suspended again

Between worlds.

-Audrey Korshoff 2010

Fly Me To The Moon...

2010-11-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

I should add that these lyrics mean something to me - In other words, hold my hand..

Just wanted to post it... it's been a while since I've shared anything. I've been busy making my own dreams come true. Speaking of the "moon", I've been busy with my Lady Luna Luxuries soap & candle line...

It's been a while.

2010-10-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

I've had some quiet moments of reflection in the past six weeks... but I've also had a very busy few weeks.

I've been tested, I've been tried... I've found strength in myself, and in my spirituality.

I offered my friendship and love to a friend, found it offered in return, and then had it carved from within me in a moment of someone else's jealous rage. I went through the emotional stages of loss, and truthfully, though I don't like the person who tore a friendship apart for selfish and jealous reasons, I find a greater fault in the friend who didn't stand up for me, defend my honor and believe in who I am over whatever someone else said for their benefit. I hurt more because the person who told me I was family, didn't bother to talk to me about whatever was said by someone else. I never got the benefit of a conversation- and maybe that's just because said person was scared.

I finally thought that I was in a safe zone. I wasn't boy crazy, I wasn't head over heels, I didn't have a crush or get involved in a toxic relationship. I wasn't involving anything physical. It was just the presence and friendship of two people who appreciated each other's company and conversation.

I was not falling in love, just practicing a friendship-love... that was so fulfilling and energizing and healthy for me...and to have it struck down and severed so unexpectedly hurt me worse than any other heartbreak I've ever known.

Over the past few weeks, I've grown stronger, more guarded. I'm not sure if it's a good thing- but I have focused more clearly on myself and my children- and I've been doing it successfully. I have been working my ass off in about 10 different directions, trying to make some of the things I wanted to happen, happen. There are always some moments or memories that catch me off guard though, just when I am content to close and lock the door behind me.

I don't know what's sadder- how much I miss my friend, or how much my children do- and hearing them say your name at random moments, not knowing how to handle it. Tonight, Joe and I were planning his 11th birthday party, and I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party. After his classmates (only boys) were listed, he added three more names to the list- and said he hoped that you'd be able to make it, and your children too. I just smiled and said that I didn't know what your schedule was, but that I hoped you could too. Inside, it was like someone ripped out a few fresh stitches.

I'm not sure what the future will bring. All I can say at this moment is that I'm truly grateful for the happy moments. I'm truly grateful for the laughter, the smiles, the conversations and the fresh breath of life it seemed you brought into my life. You helped me shine vibrantly again- sharing my creativity openly once more. In moments of my own weaknesses, you reminded me to never settle for anything less than I deserved. You showed me just where to find that extra boost of my own inner strength when I needed it most. You are familiar to me. As I was trying to help you re-light your own spiritual fire, you helped me by adding accelerant to mine.

I'm grateful for every moment that was spent with my children, and every laugh and smile you brought to their eyes and heart. It has been a tough road for them these past few years, and yet they welcomed you and embraced you as a part of our family. Some of the best memories I have of the past few months, involve you making them laugh hysterically.

I recently found a picture of you smiling. It wasn't the cheesy half-hearted smile I've seen in years past, but a genuine, honest happy gigantic grinning smile. The kind of smile that lights up not just your face, but the room as well. The kind of smile that made me smile just by seeing the picture. I wish only smiles like that for you in the future.

Though I've been hurt, I have no regrets about any of the time we spent encouraging one another. Wounds heal. I have faith and I believe that somewhere down the line, you'll remember me and the children fondly. Perhaps enough to mend fences- and if you wish to, you'll find me there offering support and supplies.

I know you'll probably never read this... but it's ok, I feel like once it's posted to my blog and sent off into the universe, I think you'll know it regardless. Part of me thinks you already do.

In the mean time, I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I think of you as a part of my family and would only wish good things upon you and your life. I pray for angels to be at your side, I pray for you to find, hold on to and multiply your inner strength and belief in yourself. I pray for you to move forward and toward your goals. I give you the space you need to heal your own wounds and figure things out for yourself. I pray for your happiness.

I'm not sure how this started off as my blog and ended up as a letter to you, but God has interesting ways to heal people, and I'll go ahead and leave it as it was typed. Below, a poem.

----------

God-Breeze

The sun was shining today

The wind blew across the field

Leaves scattered and birds flew

Rays of sunlight reached through the branches of the trees

And I knew

Life goes on

The sun still shines

Souls are ageless.

Timeless and

Eternal

The God-breeze caressed my face

Hugged my heart

And I was healed.

random poetry

2010-08-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

i like the way you look at me

you said

one sleepy Sunday morning

while we still laid in bed

A moment of peace in

a crazy life

souls connecting through

two pairs of eyes

i can't get you out of

my head

you've broken through

my steel resolve

i like the way you look at me too.

Art Stuff.

2010-08-21T18:30:00.001-07:00

Here's some recent artwork. Figured I would post some of the watercolors here. I love abstracts normally, or some kind of abstract thought when painting. These recent ones seem to have a little bit more "form" to them, i.e. clouds, hills, flowers...

Anyway, if you'd like to keep up on my artwork, I have my FACEBOOK page that you can click "Like" and follow along with my more random thoughts and more frequent pieces of artwork posted. Plus sometimes things in the works and paintings that are available and searching for a home.

Yes, that page is like a Humane Society for my artwork. We'll find it a home together, ok?

I'm a mess. Seriously. A complete and total, beautiful mess. :)

There's beauty in chaos... like the wind sweeping across the fields right before a thunderstorm, as the clouds gather and the sky goes dark.

I'm the same way. I see beauty in the smallest of things. The silver lining in the clouds in the darkest moments of the storm. The ant that feverishly drags a piece of a nut that fell from my ice cream cone back to its anthill. The way the sky, cornfields and clouds all swirl together and are touched by the golden rays of the sun.

Yes, beauty in moments that most other people pass by. Nature is a mess, if you really look at it. One big, beautiful mess. It's time we celebrated our chaotic selves.

Having a tough day...

2010-08-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to copy and paste what I sent to a friend... because it's worth it to save and remember... Here's the scenario... I've been positive, loving, open... and somehow opened up a big old bag of feelings that I had vacuum sealed and stored away... and now I'm dealing with them, healing them, but having one of those tough days. It takes energy to heal yourself... and I'm already about sapped.

So I was having this conversation about how open I tend to be with a girlfriend of mine, and how I sometimes am concerned that I might get hurt one too many times... is that possible? Here's what I wrote.
____________________

I worry all the time that I'm going to become hard-hearted one of these days... I just give love... and give love... and give love... in the most innocent sense of being. I view myself as a loving being, trying to put as much good into the world as I can while I'm here... and whenever I'm open to it for a long while, I seem to end up with a scar on my heart from someone or something... it's like a rose with thorns. I end up giving roses and bouquets- then get scratched to hell by the thorns.

I should also add that I'm tired of being the only one to kiss my boo-boos away. One day, I hope to have someone in my life that will encourage me to shine my little love light and keep passing out the roses, but keep me safe from the thorns - and if I were to ever get scratched up, to fix me up with a band-aid and a kiss. Hey, a girl can dream, right?
___________________________

Of course a girl can dream. And wish. And hope. And believe. I'm human though, and sometimes a little impatient. On days when I feel badly, all I want are a set of safe, strong, loving arms to hug me and hold me and tell me it will all be okay. Unfortunately, I don't have that.
So I hug myself, say a prayer, try to deal with my feelings and somehow, push forward.

Old Japanese Proverb: Fall Down Seven Times, Stand Up Eight.

God, do I ever try to live by that one!!!!

In the mean time, I will be painting something, writing more, or doing something creative so that I can cleanse the hurt right out of me and focus on the positive things in my life, and the positive things that are coming my way. Clearin' the cobwebs, emptying that closet of regrets and disappointments, and making room for a whole lotta brand new dancin' shoes.

Random Thoughts on Life and Love...

2010-08-15T11:35:00.001-07:00

Be true to yourself. Love openly. Make your little light shine like the Batman symbol out into the night. Look inside yourself to see the beauty that you hold inside. Love yourself first, or else you'll never truly be able to find real love. Realize that you are beautiful, just as you are. Be happy.

Remember the time when you were young, before you cared about what other people thought. Get back to that person. BEING is enough. There is no such thing as "normal". That would be boring. UNIQUENESS counts. Add your own special ingredient to the world. Be fearless. Go for it and SMILE.

Lyrics worth posting.... the theme of my life at the moment...

2010-08-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

First, an old one by Lonestar - "Softly"... I just love the words in this...

I remember that kiss in a cold world, oh girl
Sunlight fell from your lips, tenderly you shattered me
Somehow you touched me like no one else
Slipped into my soul like a prayer

Baby, with the sweetest kiss
You came along and stole my breath
Tore down my defenses with a whisper
Oh you showed me how love can be
You broke through to my heart
Softly, baby softly

You're like God in this world, fragile, beautiful
There's so much trust in your eyes, they make me remember blue
Skies and sunshine
I wanna be what you see in me
I wanna love you the way you love me

Baby, with the sweetest kiss
You came along and stole my breath
Tear down my defenses with a whisper
Oh you show me how love can be
You break through to my heart
Softly

I don't wanna be that strong if it means being alone
I wanna stay with you where I belong
And let you show me just how good love can be
You break through to my heart
Softly, baby softly
Softly, baby softly

---------------

And LeeAnn Womack "I found it in you"... Just so pretty...These words are amazing.

Everybody needs a reason to believe
Something to keep 'em going
To set their soul on fire
And make 'em feel alive
It's their inspiration

Chorus:
Some find it in living off the land
Some find it in working for the man
Some find it with a bottle in their hand
That's what gets 'em through
Some find it in a shiny limousine
Some find it in the magazines they read
Some find happiness is out of reach
No matter what they do
Baby, that's not me
I found it in you

I always wondered when
My search was gonna end
And I'd find what I'd been missin'
Now everything you are
It goes right to my heart
And it feeds this passion

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
You're my journey's end
My solid ground
You're what I could never live without

Repeat Chorus

I found it in you

Moving....

2010-01-27T01:37:00.000-08:00

The gypsy within me seeks to find a "home" again... this time away from Fort Lauderdale (where I have been simply because of the kids' dad, job opportunities and well, I gotta say weather!)...

I need to move closer to Nashville... will be far enough away to save some money/live in the country a bit... I feel that this may be the year I pursue some additional dreams... and I need to be closer to achieve them.

It's time that I find some roots somewhere... and I can't wait to do just that!

I really don't have so much to say right now- I'm overtired, can't sleep and really, really wish that I could... I think it's nearly time for me to stare at the ceiling fan in the bedroom while I attempt to sleep.

Hope you all have a great night.

Happy.

2009-12-21T17:00:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted in, oh... FOREVER. And it's not because I haven't wanted to, but more because I've been so busy.

I worked my ass off to be where I am right now, and then... now I'm... just absolutely content.

For those of you who don't know, I've been trying to get my own business venture off the ground. Well, I've got a site up - http://www.carryoncommerce.com and I am thrilled to say that things are looking up for 2010. It's been a long, hard 4 years, but life is starting to calm itself down.

The site is going well and I have clients lined up for the next few months. I am excited about the potential for next year's earning and growth.

I am overjoyed.

Anyway, I've got to clean the kitchen and get ready to bake a few more cookies tomorrow since the kids have eaten all of the cookies we've made so far!

I'll try to post more often!

Audrey

The New Diet...

2009-10-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

I'm quite excited to share that I'm finally ready to take the steps needed to get my ass back in shape. I've let it slide a little too long, and I'm bummed that some of my favorite clothes can't be worn because my ass is too large for them!

I've got a great wardrobe a couple sizes smaller than I am right now, and damn it, it's time I did something about this!

SO... I start my new diet and workout plan Sunday. I'm giving myself one last weekend of silliness, then BAM, taking it to the next level.

I'm currently pudgy, and wish to be svelte once again. That is all for tonight, as my eyelids are drooping and it's beyond my bedtime.

Some of my newest lyrics...to my newest song...:)

2009-06-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

....Love... it's a blessing to share and receive... from friends, family and strangers on the street. A smile, a touch, or a warm embrace, it's the light of love that shows us God's grace. ...

I'll post one of me playing it soon- gotta borrow a guitar for recordin'...

-Audrey Korshoff

And... hey here's another little tidbit from me...

I've loved and lost, I've loved and shown men the door, but through all the heartaches and breaks, I learned to love myself more. :)

Lights, Camera, Action

2009-06-16T06:39:00.001-07:00

We started our morning early today, and me with a late night last night. Madelyn and Kaitlyn are part of a movie called Blue Valentine. I'm typing this from the holding room after they just finished filming a scene where they were leaving the building with their "parents"..

I don't know much about the movie, other than it's supposed to be a love story and has Ryan Gosling in it. He's cuter in person. Taller than I thought he'd be.

The girls are dressed in red, white and blue and will later be part of a musical number. It's a compilation of Yankee Doodle and My Country Tis Of Thee. All the kids are so cute and it's really a lot of fun to be here with them getting the chance to be in this movie. Sure, they're just extras, but it will be cool to see the movie on the big screen.

We are on the move again...

Now the girls are back in the auditorium that they set up so cute, all patriotic with silver hanging stars and a flag background... they're going to be filming the musical number now, and all the parents have been shuffled back to the holding area. While watching them rehearse earlier, Miss Madelyn was quite the showman, just like she does at home. Kate did a great job too, she's in the back row, standing... and Madelyn is in the middle row, smack in the middle, kneeling- she gets on her knees and sits up so straight, and squares right off without being told, she really looks like she knows what she's doing, and like she's been doing it for years.

I guess this is partly why she talks to my bedroom mirror whenever she comes up to talk to me, she's staging herself even with simple conversations with me. Still really cute.

The food here is great, they're feeding us all well. There has been an ample supply of chips and such for all the kids to knosh on.

So far, I've had two celebrity spottings, Michele (can't remember her last name right now even though I know it- she was married to Heath Ledger) and Ryan Gosling. We've had very little interaction with either, but Ryan seems to be more personable in general. Everyone just rushes around, then waits, rushes around then waits.

Either way, it's been a really fun day, and the kids have had a blast. Kaitlyn has made a new friend, and Madelyn plays her friend's sister in one scene. I think it's because they're both wearing white dresses.

More to come later, I'm off to play on facebook and then hopefully find a plug so I can maintain my internet fix.

School's Out... for the summer!

2009-06-13T07:26:00.000-07:00

And we're planning our get away! More details about our trip, and the bulk of my blogging this summer will be done on www.singlemomroadtrip.com. I am currently looking for donations and selling a sponsorship to help defray the cost of our travels.

Our budget is a tight one though, and the majority of our spending will be done for lodging/campgrounds (I'm packing up a "camp kitchen"). In addition, we'll be spending most of our time with family and friends to cut down on the financial burden. The first three weeks of our trip are "lodging free".

Anyway... you'll be able to see videos and photos from our trip being uploaded, and we also have a fan page on Facebook, so you can follow us on Facebook as well! Just look up "SingleMomRoadTrip.com" if you're having trouble finding us.

I have six days to finish cleaning the house, packing up our things in the car, and figuring out the best way to store all the thing we need. More on that at the other blog too.

Some people think I'm crazy, but I am really excited for this adventure. It's one that I've always wanted to take... and I think it will be something that the kids and I remember and treasure for years to come.

My Boys being SILLY...

2009-05-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

My Kids wanted their own YouTube account, as they LOVE watching iCarly, and have dreamed of their own show. Well, I caved. I figure as long as I know the passwords and have the ability to check it, it's better off if *I* have the control and can see what they're doing. They're happy to show it anyway.

Sigh... my kids are growing up. I remember making videos with my PXL2000... and cassette tapes. I just bought my kids an Acer Aspire One with a built in webcam, so times have definitely changed.

Back To My Normal, Crazy Self...

2009-05-15T15:45:00.000-07:00

That week in TN was great for me. The kids played, I sat by the pool and tanned, laughed and had a wonderful time with some of my dear friends. My friend Todd cheered me up just by being his crazy self and there was even a love connection between my friend Todd and my friend Laura, who also spent a lot of time at Todd's place while we were there.

All in all, a very positive trip.

I'm back, and back to normal... which for me is always perfectly imperfect. The art turned out awesome, so I'm excited for that too.

Takin' Off To Tennessee...

2009-04-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

I decided yesterday I needed to surround myself with the one person who loves me and my absolutely crazy self - even when I'm having a moment like this. The one person who takes the clouds in my soul and shoos them away, leaving only my soul to shine brightly again - just by being in his presence. I know I do the same for him.

I'm not telling people I'm heading south, I called him and he told me to "C'Mon!".... to bring the kids and he's got plenty of room... and we'll just hang out and let them play and sit and talk. He lives on a bunch of land, out in the country just outside of Nashville... and honestly, I need to just sit around in the backyard with him and hang. He's got his kids rooms with extra beds, and said he had seven kids at the house this past week... so he told me to get in the car and head on down.

I'm in. Maybe I can even try to squeeze in a few interviews while I'm down there with the kids. I might bring my plants down too, and plant some in his yard...Hm. This could be exactly what I need to pull myself out of my funk. We'll see.

Incredibly Negative

2009-04-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

I'm just having a day. I feel incredibly negative today. Loneliness creeps in, despite a full house. I'm having one of those days where I just wish I could POOF and disappear... or POOF and have someone there to hold me and hug me...
That's really what I want... a night of being held... with nothing else...I just want a big, night long hug. Odd, I know, but hugs make you feel better.

Going to try and cheer myself up... I did do four paintings (well started them) today, and I'm waiting for the layers to dry so I can do the next ones...

I've lived by this, and will continue to...

2009-04-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

"Chase the dream, not the competition".

I write, sing and paint because I love to do it. People love my work because they feel the emotion I put into what I do. I chase the dream of being successful my creative talents...and pushing the envelope to open myself more and more to pour out even more emotion in words, voice and on canvas.

"Boys Shack. Men Make Homes."

2009-04-14T09:45:00.001-07:00

I read that quote above, in the new book "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man" by Steve Harvey.

I was in the middle of Sam's club, and had heard a few pieces of an interview or two, so I picked it up to peruse the book. I flipped through it, and had two things jump out at me. The first, was the title of this blog.

Truly the above could apply to both sexes. As I was cleaning my house and picking up the kids toys, pondering life as a single woman with some very special men (or are they boys?) in my life, I started to think about what it is I truly want, if anything, from these men. Is it friendship? Am I truly just enjoying their time as a friend? Do I want anything more to develop? Am I content with the status quo?

In Nashville, and here too, I know plenty of boys. I know plenty of boys who masquerade as men as well. After all the mental sorting, I know a handful of men.

I know what I want in life. I want to make a home with someone who is my best friend, confidante and lover. Someone who will accept me for all my positives and negatives. Someone who will know when to give me space, and when I just want to be held. Someone who loves my children, as they would their own. Someone who my kids love right back. Someone who loves me that I love in return. That's what I want.

I don't want to rush ANY of that above paragraph either. I'm in NO hurry to find said person, develop said relationship, or any of that good stuff. As far as I'm concerned, the best stuff in life takes time to grow, develop and mature.

It's true... the things that take time to mature are wine, cheese and men. Once you get a hold of a good one, you savor the moments and make it last.

The second quote that caught my eye was actually a chapter title. "The Ninety Day Rule". This rule makes a decent amount of sense, and I like the way he put it. The premise, is to wait ninety days before sex. Now, that might seem like a long time, but... it does fly by... and I agree with what Steve said in his book- that men know that a good woman is worth waiting for.

Going further, if someone just wanted me for sex, and didn't want to develop a relationship or get to know me, then where's the benefit for me? I can satisfy any itch I need to scratch... on my own.

What he also said in the book was to think about Cleopatra, or Helen of Troy... women who brought men to their knees, had them fighting wars... for what? The love of a woman/Sex. I think a lot of women do know their own power, but rarely exercise it to the best of their ability.
I'm sometimes guilty of not utilizing my woman-power... (Yes, I did watch She-Ra and loved it - By the power of Greyskull!)

I think getting to know someone over a 90 day period is completely logical, and in the interest of a long-term relationship, probably the best thing to do. In a world where everything is "on-demand", waiting to develop a sexual relationship is "worth the wait" and makes you, as a woman, an instant rarity and treasure.

So that's what I was thinking about as I was cleaning. I took a break to write it down so I wouldn't forget it (that happens often).

Gotta finish cleaning up the house before the kids get home...

Planning a Cross-Country Summer Trip...

2009-04-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

So I've always wanted to plan a FUN-filled exploring kind of trip across the country but have never been able to just pick up and leave for an extended amount of time... well, I thought about it, and this summer, the kids and I are going to have our "Summer of Fun". We need a little bonding time together and I am up to the challenge of taking them on a summer trip they'll remember forever.

I'm trying to be smart about it, so I'm researching destinations and campgrounds along the way. I'd really like to get them all sorted out, so we can have a healthy distribution of things to do and hiking/camping.

Originally I was just going to throw the tents/sleeping bags in the car and go... but then I started thinking about it... and my Honda Pilot can tow, so I thought about it more and found this perfect addition to my trip.

http://www.forestriverinc.com/nd/default22.asp?page=floorview&model=RP-172&choice=rpod&nav=rec&name=6&series=Rpod

Anyway, I'm planning and researching now, but I really like the idea of doing a lot of hiking, camping and the trailer will just assist in the times when we're not at a campground or national park... saves money when you can cook for yourself and not feed munchkins lots of icky fast food.

I have to talk to a friend of mine and see if he's game to travel with me and the kids (and his dog), so we can take a summer trip full of physical activity, fun sights, educational stops (come on, learning about something vs. SEEING something which would you remember better?) and a summer of fun.

So right now, I'm scouring websites for campgrounds, national parks with hiking and fun stuff.

I figure if I can swing it somehow... I will do it for as long as I can. So we'll see. I really, really want that R-Pod, so badly! I think it would be awesome. I might have to sell my little Honda to help pay for it... but I think I could swing it if I sell enough stuff around here that I have. Plus, all my soaps and artwork. I can do it!

Now back to my printing and organizing... I think I'll start with AAA's website and their trip calendar thing they have... more later!

Nashville CRS Pics!

2009-03-14T11:23:00.001-07:00

Oh what a week!

2009-03-12T15:06:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that I was going to Nashville for CRS week, and was so excited that I'd be seeing my friends... well, I am and was. I had a great time!

Wednesday, I drove down there, and then when I got into town I headed straight for my friend Todd's house, for his baptism party. That was fun, pictures got taken, I could only stay for a little while, and then headed north again towards Nashville.

I got a phone call from my friend Tiff, and she was in Green Hills, so I stopped off to see her at a friend's bus... and ran into another friend of mine! We all ended up hanging out that night between the buses and then hit up our favorite bar, Losers. It was so good to see some old friends and laugh. It was a great start to a wonderful long weekend.

Then, Thursday I went to CRS and hung out at the Bridge Bar, only after getting a REALLY Hot dress from Aimee at Flavour! I did a video for her too, and I still have to edit it. It was so wonderful to see her and she did a great job dressing me for Thursday's CRS event! I am going to have to pick up a few more dresses next time I'm in town!

At Bridge Bar, I was able to see a TON of people I know, and it was surprising how loved I felt, as I sat there and kept seeing more and more people I knew, and I would get hug after hug, and then the same question..."Are you back in Nashville for good?"... I would tell everyone the same thing. I'm working on it, and I'm finally ready. Everything's handled.

I got a lot of great job leads (even in the economy's state), and met some new people too!

I ended up hanging all over downtown and midtown on Thursday night, rockin' out my dress... and had a blast!

Friday morning I woke up and felt human only after a ton of Starbucks. I looked like a train wreck until I got to my friend Brandi's house and we got to chat and I got to grab a shower. She even made me waffles! It was great catching up with her and I got to play her a song of mine as well. When I left there, I headed towards Losers to catch up with JJ and her new friend Josh Hoge. We sat there at the bar chatting for a bit, then I decided to head back towards downtown for more CRS fun. After a quick trip to Printers Alley and a couple hours of karaoke fun... Friday night proved to be a great night out, and I was treated to a great show courtesy of Digital Rodeo and CRS, that had all sorts of new country artists performing covers. My hands down favorite of the evening was Emily West singing "Nothing Compares 2 U". I closed out the evening at Broadway Brewhouse with some old NEPA friends.

Saturday morning I got up, showered and hit the door... went to Losers to check in and sit on the porch. That's all I wanted to do. Just sit there, and hang out on the porch. I thought I would be able to run into some old friends, and I was right. Little by little, they all ended up coming in, and by the end of the day, there was a great crowd of my favorite people... all hanging out on the porch and laughing.

Saturday night was the same way. I ended up being well behaved, and knew I had a long drive coming up.

Overall, I maximized the time I spent in Nashville. I can't wait to get back (for good).

So on the way home, I had almost no voice, which I attributed to all the yelling over bands, and talking and singing and carrying on... as well as the drinking... and didn't ever think it MIGHT be that I was getting sick. Whooops.

Yeah, I have spent the majority of this week in bed, sleeping, breaking fevers and coughing. Overall, I got what the kids had. I fell hard.

Last night, I got a phone call from Jon again. Not the first time this week, but it was a late phone call so I was surprised. I picked up, and after a little conversation, including him saying that he thought of me when he noticed it was karaoke night, he told me that he owed me a weekend. I inquired, laughing and asked why... and he said that he knew I came down there several times and that he owed me a weekend where he showed up here. I said, ok... when did you want to come up? And he gave me a date of April 18th. Haha! A month out... I just said, ok, let me know and I'll find out what's going on then and we'll go out and have fun.

I'm finally feeling a little bit better... I think by tomorrow I should be back on my game. :) Of course, that's just in time to clean up the house for the kids to wreck it this weekend. Haha!
And, they get out early tomorrow.

So, that's kind of it, my week in a really short post. I had a lot of fun, and still have SO much work to do with editing down all my videos and getting them up on the new site. I hope I can get some of that done this weekend... plus there's Parade Day on Saturday. I don't know if I can get to that or not - gotta see about a sitter.

God Help Me.

2009-03-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

I have got to be crazy, or confused... I am not quite sure.

I think everyone who has read this blog since I started it knows about Jon. I still refer to him as "the man I thought I would marry" when describing our past relationship. I still have VERY fond memories of some of our times together...He's someone I really enjoy spending time with. I still have vivid memories of a few of our more intimate moments... still and potentially forever unmatched in passion.

He started calling me more regularly about a month ago... again, the Melissa thing was over. I very clearly told him I wasn't going to be his go-to girl whenever things with them didn't work out.

Something happened a few weeks ago. I was out late, with friends, had a few drinks in me and was at a truck stop diner with them when my phone rang. It was Jon, getting ready for work, and we had a long conversation, in which I told him I was glad he called again, but that I wasn't looking for me to get emotionally invested again if that's what he was trying to do, and that I wasn't going to sleep with him and I wasn't going to come visit him, and that I very clearly understood that he didn't want to take the chance on love with me. I told him I really did love him, but that I wasn't going to do that to myself again. I told him that I would love to still be friends with him and that if he ever decided he was ready to leap to let me know.

I even told him I was pretty much done with dating for right now. I was concentrating on maintaining and growing friendships, that I had dated enough for a while... and I was fortunate to have a few good friends here in town that understood the craziness that is me...

After that call, he took about a week off from calling me. I expected that he would probably not call me for a long time.

**Took about an hour or so break from writing this because he called.**

Anyway, it was a while before we talked... but he called. It was something simple at first, he needed help with a computer thing. I helped him, and we chatted, and that was that. Friendly phone call, I hung up when I was done and excused myself so I could tend to whatever I was doing.

He called again the next night, just seeing how my day went, asking about blah blah... just to chat.

Ok, so he's lonely. I'm a friend he knows he can call. I again, excused myself after we talked for about 5-10 minutes.

Well, the phone calls have picked up again, to the point where it's not every day, but it's often enough. And I laugh. I really laugh. I enjoy our conversations.

And we've had some funny conversations, just like we used to do... but again, I stand by what I have said. I'm not allowing myself to go there again. And I'm okay with it, I'm okay with being just friends this time around. He even asked me if I wanted to go on a singles cruise with him- because none of his guy friends wanted to. I told him I would go, it would be fun. The truth is, I've been wanting to go on one too... and had even talked with another friend about trying to plan something like that.

So what changed today?

Nothing really, except the reason for the blog was spurred by a phone call from earlier tonight (yes, he called twice tonight, the first time was while he was out) from him.

His opening line... "Hey... I was sitting here thinking about something you said you'd send me a long time ago."
Me: "Oh, your swim trunks, I'm sorry, yes, I have them, just email me an address and I'll get them out to you tomorrow."
Him: "No, well, yes, I need those for when I go see the kids again, but no, I was thinking about something else..."
Me: "Oh... (dumbfounded pause)... What?"
Him: "You told me a long time ago you'd burn a CD of Country Music for me, and I was wondering if you still would. (He hates country... says it's whiny, and I told him to give it a shot, to let me put some fun country together on a cd and he might just like it)
Me: "Um, yeah, sure... no problem."

It went into more conversation and then I told him that I could barely hear him so to give me a call back later if he wanted to talk because I couldn't hear him at the bar.

I didn't expect that he would call back.

He did. And again, we talked for an hour. About silly stuff, random stuff, TV shows, funny things that happened recently in our lives, the kids, his daughter's upcoming birthday, my trip to Nashville.

Shrug... I don't know. I just don't know.

God Help Me. Give me the strength to not love this man. Allow me to keep that gate to my heart closed, locked tight... and not allow myself to openly love him again. I'm strong now, but I know with more phone calls like the one above, that cites information/memories and stuff from our past... It might be harder later down the line.

God Help Me... stay focused on all the good things I have going on in my life. My good friends, my new dating options (Plentyoffish.com), my trip to Nashville. I cannot allow myself to put Jon back into my potential future again. I cannot. I will not.

It would truly take an act of God for this man to decide that he's ready to take that leap of faith... to ACT on the love he has said he has for me in the past... but I know is too afraid to do anything about.

So I'm ok with being JUST his friend. I do know that I'm going to have to keep my boundaries set, my walls firm.... and well... keep relying on God when I'm feeling weak.

I feel better already.

March Already? Wow!

2009-03-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time believing it's March already...

My kids are running around this house because it's so freakin' cold outside, and they've built a massive fort in the living room using all sorts of blankets and comforters. Of course, now that it's built, they've all but abandoned it.

Today is my sister's 28th birthday. My brother's 21st will be in a month. THAT is scary. It's funny how many people in my family were born on the 1st of the month. Three of my kids, my two siblings... all different months. We have five months out of the year cornered. Ha!

I'm learning to play in Windows Movie Maker, trying to edit down some videos I took of the kids and learning how to work the camera and the editor a bit more. I'll be sure to post some of the kids when I get them finished. :)

Anyway, that's it for now, we just finished a bagel/donut breakfast... and I had a large French Vanilla coffee too. Yum!

XOXO, Me

Eight is Enough, Nights In Rodanthe and Drunken Late Night Texts... Whew.

2009-02-28T06:38:00.000-08:00

The Sleepover

Well, I'm officially crazy I think. I had the neighborhood kids over for a sleepover... all at once. That means I had 8 kids here, 10 and under total. Whew.

Surprisingly, it started out alright. The kids INHALED all the snacks I put out, and then my neighbor Joann brought over 3 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies... which were gone in approximately 5 minutes. I'm not exaggerating. Five minutes. Gone.

When I shooed them all out of the kitchen, I put on a movie that they agreed on. My living room was a pile of blankets, webkins and kids. All over the place. My oldest was acting up a bit, so I kept pulling him out of the room and putting him in his room. Then there was the noise. After a long day, let me tell you... six little girls make a LOT of noise. It was like they weren't watching the movie. They were bouncing off the walls from their sugar high of Girl Scout Cookies.

I was upstairs, in my room watching my own movie (Nights In Rodanthe) and had to get up several times to ask them to calm down so I could hear the words on the TV in my room.

At the end of the night, I put everyone on bedtime alert around 11:30, saying it was time to settle down and get to bed. By 12:30 all the girls relocated to my girls room, instead of the living room, and when I passed by the room on my way to the bathroom, there was a glow of Nintendo DS screens. They were ALL up, playing. As I walked closer to the bathroom and passed my boys room, both of them were up, laying on their bellies, with their DS screens open too. I was SO tired and SO ready to pass out cold. I reminded everyone it was bedtime and I went to bed.

I woke up this morning to someone (one of the girls) saying "Oreo" repetitively, like no lie 200-300 times outside my bedroom door, loudly. It was part of the DS game, they have to say their pets name or something. I find this extremely annoying as part of a DS game. I asked the girls to relocate their DS playing to the living room at 7am. About 6 hours of sleep... that just wasn't enough last night. I was an active dreamer last night too, I remember waking a few times and being restless, so I don't think it was a restful night of sleep.

This morning, it's 10am, and everyone's blankets are back at their houses, along with the webkins... and I have a new appreciation for families with 8 kids (or more). Like the old TV show says, Eight is Enough. I'm still exhausted.

Nights in Rodanthe

I am so disappointed. I put it in, expecting a love story... and well, let's just say as a divorced woman, I was pissed to be robbed of the romantic story with a feel good ending.

SPOILER ALERT**

So basically, here's the story. Divorced woman with bratty daughter and quiet/sick son struggles to meet everyone's needs. She fills in for a friend on her weekend off at her friend's hotel, even though there's a nasty storm on the way. Right before she leaves her ex tells her he wants to come back home, and realizes his mistake in cheating on her. She says she needs time to think and they'll discuss it at a later date. She goes to the inn, meets the only guest (Richard Gere), they fall in love over the weekend, and they resolve a bunch of their issues and become renewed. (up to this point, I enjoyed the movie). He has to go to some foreign country to meet up with his son and it's gonna be a few months... they send love letters back and forth, back and forth, with pictures and her friend comments how he's a keeper. She prepares for him to come see her now that he's coming back into town, and she makes a special dinner... he doesn't show up. The next morning, his son appears on her doorstep, and lets her know his father was killed in a mudslide where they were.

He hands he a box of his fathers things, including all her letters to him, pictures, a book, and a letter she hadn't read yet because it hadn't been sent.

She goes into a deep depression, her daughter comes around and movie ends with her seeing the wild horses at Rodanthe, then on a pier with her kids and blowing a kiss into the wind.

Fuck THAT.

Sure, that's what every woman wants to hear... a love story where the guy dies... before they really get to spend time together. Ugh, depressing.

I am pissed at Nicholas Sparks.

As as divorced woman who finds it hard enough to believe that true happiness is indeed out there in a mate, I don't want to see this crap where someone finds happiness only to have love again snatched out from under her. Thanks, Nick. Asshole.

It is not a "feel good" story because she sees horses. Or because she feels better about herself.

Sigh. Yes, I was pissed that I wasted my life on that movie.

Drunken Late Night Texts

Normally, I don't mind my friends who send me late night texts because 1. I'm usually up and 2. I usually laugh... and sometimes, I'm the culprit of the late night text sending.

I didn't get the texts till this morning at 7am when I was awakened by the OREO yelling... and I read one that made me a little ticked off.

I can't quite be sure if it's the fact that I'm still pissed about the movie and read it in my fuming about the Oreo yelling and being awakened way too early on a Saturday...

This person knew I had 8 kids at the house...but I'm gonna let him off the hook and assume it was the alcohol talking. After all, it was late on a Friday night. I think it's more my frustration at wanting something physical to happen between us more than the silly text itself... oh, that and the lack of sleep/pissed off at the movie ending.

FIN

Well, that's all for now. I am working on building up these blog posts a bit. I'll have to come back and add in the links for the movie and stuff later. Right now, I want to go curl up in my bed and see if I can doze off again... all the extra kids are gone and mine are watching some annoying show with a whiny kid on the Disney channel (I realize that is just about all of them). Yawn...

Things that Make You Go Hmmm....

2009-02-26T14:32:00.000-08:00

One of my friends recently introduced me to PlentyofFish.com, which I had seen in numerous advertisements throughout MySpace and Facebook, but had not ever visited or signed up. According to their stats, they say that 49% of women who have signed up have had success there. Best part? It's free.

So, I started filling it out, and then I stopped at part two. The questions had me stalled out, because I don't know what I'm really looking for right now anyway.

My divorce is final, I am officially in the "divorced" category. I have kids, for whom cleaning up after, caring for and feeding takes up about 95% of my time, even though they're all in school now. Do I have time to commit to dating? I've tried, don't get me wrong... I tried dating, and most of what I got was people not interested in me because I have four kids, one man who broke my heart, one man who really wanted to settle down with me and was feelin' it more than I was (I ended that) and a pile of guy friends who won't ever be anything else because none of them would ever want to "go there". I agree with them for the most part, and like the friendships I have, so I'm not needing to "fall in love and out of the friend zone" any time soon. But it's something to think about. What AM I looking for?

I know I blogged about this at some point last year, but as my life changes, my desires and needs change too. That's the whole point of getting older and wiser, right?

I guess with another birthday passed and another year older... I've come to realize some things that have come full circle with me. I'd rather sit at home on the couch having a few beers with someone I can have a conversation with than go out and have a few beers and get hit on by random strangers.

Despite my active sex drive, I'd rather forego sex these days than even attempt to deal with another man getting too attached (like the last time I tried dating) too soon. It's 2009, there are ways a woman can take care of the sex drive needs and not be ashamed about it. Hell, batteries aren't even required anymore.

But back to PlentyOfFish.com - yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I just don't know if I'm even swimming in the ocean, or maybe in a tidepool. I am here in PA and aside from a few friends that I've made up here, I pretty much feel like a fish out of water.

I mean, there's got to be other single moms out there that are looking to find an eventual companion that isn't weirded out by the fact that there are kids involved already. There's got to be other single moms that have eccentric beliefs, thoughts, talents, dreams and aren't afraid to voice them or pursue them... right?

I think this comes back down to feeling out of my element a little bit ever since I was in grade school. I've always been bright and bubbly. I've always been friendly. I have always managed to fit in just enough to not fit into one space only. I prefer to fit into many different groups because I consider myself multi-faceted. It's difficult to find (especially in this area) someone who appreciates your multi-facetedness and boldness in living life.

The signup form on the site tells me to post about my hobbies, goals, inspirations, taste in music and what makes me unique. Well, I don't think there's enough room for that and honestly, I don't know that most people would want to read or take the time to read such a long description. Do I want to spend time filling that out? What's worse, is that I don't know if I want to sign up simply to see what's out there or if I really want to find something. Do I?

I guess the short answer to the what I'm looking for is simply this: I'm looking for someone who I enjoy spending time with, someone I can be myself with, laugh with, play around with, someone who loves not only me but my kids too and someone that I have at least some sort of physical attraction to as well. In addition, I'm looking for someone that has their own life, their own experiences, their own life separate from mine. I don't want or need a twin, or someone else attached to my hip. I do want someone who is independent enough to be able to survive and/or not freak out if I go out with my other friends... and not them. Most importantly, my kids and my friends have to like this person for it to go anywhere serious. Oh, and it takes me knowing someone a while before anyone meets my kids or comes over to hang out.

Wow, I guess that wasn't a short answer huh?

Maybe I should copy and paste the whole thing into the PlentyOfFish.com sign up site. Well, I did. I also took their personality test. Here's what it has to say:

Congratulations! You just completed the Plenty of Fish Chemistry Predictor!

The Plenty of Fish Compatibility Predictor (CP) measures five broad relationship variables that are each essential for building romantic relationships. People don't need to score "high" on each of these characteristics to be in a fulfilling relationship. What's important is how your profile interacts with the profile of a potential romantic partner -- or what is commonly called “chemistry.” Based on decades of empirical research in the social sciences, the CP captures the five key ingredients that can determine whether or not two people have the “right” psychological chemistry. The relationship variables are: Self-Confidence, or the degree to which a person feels comfortable with him or herself. People that are high in self-confidence tend to be assertive and competent in both their private and public relationships. People that are low in self-confidence tend to be reticent and somewhat anxious. Family Orientation, or the degree to which a person supports and values the family. People that are family-oriented tend to want or already have children, are very close to their immediate relatives and prefer cooking at home to eating at a restaurant. People that are not family-oriented tend to be individualistic, unconventional and very much enjoy attending parties and social functions. Self-Control, or the extent to which a person exerts control over various aspects of life. People that are high in self-control tend have strong emotional reactions to things and try to regulate those feelings by micromanaging and attending to specific details. People that are low in self-control are usually relaxed, even-tempered and lenient. Openness, or the extent to which a person is open to and dependent upon others. People that are high in openness tend to like a wide range of things (e.g., food, music, movies, etc.), in part because they are concerned with pleasing other people. In contrast, people low in openness are very independent and opinionated; they know what they like and aren’t apt to change their opinion. Easygoingness, or a person’s work ethic and degree of mental flexibility. People that are high in easygoingness are very relaxed, broadminded and unaffected by change. In contrast, people low in easygoingness tend be hardworking, firm, and sometimes inflexible. IMPORTANT: Before reading your profile, remember that the report is based on generalizations from research on an international validation sample. Some feedback may not apply to your case. For instance, we know that overall those scoring "moderate or high" on Family Orientation tend to either want children soon or are open to the idea in the future. However, this generalization may not be accurate for all moderate and high scorers. Use these results for self-awareness and self-reflection...and hopefully as a conversation piece with other Plenty of Fish members!

Your Chemistry Test Results

Self-Confidence

As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.

The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.

Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.

Family Orientation

As someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent. If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future. And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood.

You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this. This natural tendency is easily illustrated by your preference for doing things around the house as opposed to going out to clubs and restaurants.

What really sets you apart from people that are low in family orientation is that you know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you are well-equipped to manage a family without letting all the work that is involved wear you down. However, as someone with strong family values, all the work that is involved in maintaining a tidy home and well-stocked kitchen might occasionally make it difficult for you to finish everything that you need to do.

Self-Control

The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.

As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.

Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.

Openness

As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.

Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.

Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.

Easygoingness

Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.

High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.

How does your personality affect your love life?

With the strong degree of self-confidence that you possess, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.

Given how much you value family life, you probably get along best with people who share your values and beliefs. In fact, it’s likely that you maintain close connections with members of your immediate and distant family. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also values domestic life.

Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who also enjoys spending time at home and desires starting a family. On first dates, perhaps you might suggest to your partner that the two of you spend a quiet night having dinner at one of your respective homes instead of going out to a restaurant or club.

As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored. When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.

Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.

-------------------------

The results should be interesting.

-A

2009-02-24T07:38:00.001-08:00

Getting my groove on.

2009-02-23T08:46:00.001-08:00

Testing via mobile.

2009-02-23T08:43:00.001-08:00

Testing my new Ping account. Here's the deal folks... this can update every social network at once. So, I'm checkin' it out... what do you think? Ping.fm

The Oscars... My commentary through the show.

2009-02-22T17:46:00.000-08:00

I absolutely LOVED Hugh Jackman's opening song/dance. What a cute little addition by having Anne Hathaway join in! Brilliant, as usual, Mr. Jackman.

Awards...

I like the way they're doing the presenting this year, though I have to ask Goldie Hawn about her dress... her breasts are not fitting in the dress and are squished off to the side, near her armpits. Weird. She's a beautiful lady, just definitely that wasn't the "look" for her.

Congratulations to Penelope Cruz. Please don't faint. The vintage dress of hers is beautiful, she saw it first EIGHT years ago... and went back to get it- and it was still there!

Set...

I have to say I really like the set this year. Being that I'm a huge fan of the whole 1940s big band era, I love the fact that the band isn't shoved in the pit, that the stage is so close to the audience and it's a very cozy setting for a great show. Beyond that, it's simply gorgeous.

Screenplay:

Great presentation by Tina Fey and Steve Martin. They're always funny.

Congratulations to Dustin Lance Black, for MILK. Wow, I didn't realize he was so young! What a great story and acceptance speech.

Adapted Screenplay:

Congrats to Simon Beaufoy for Slumdog Millionaire. Funny, he looks a lot like my friend Danny Wells.

Animation:

Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black presented. Hahaha at the Oscar in the old fridge in Wall-E.

Congratulations to Andrew Stanton for Wall-E. Great speech and hey, I like his kids names! Ben and Audrey... well, I like his daughter's name especially! Hehehehe.

Best Animated Short Film:

Congrats to Le Maison en Petits Cubes and Kunio Kato. He was struggling so hard through his speech with his English and made everyone laugh with the Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto. Hahah, nice touch!

Commercial Break Thoughts: I just decided to do this since sitting here with the computer seemed like a good idea at the time. Hey, if you watch something, you might as well offer a commentary, right? I'm sitting at home and the shower has to be fixed tomorrow morning, as it's currently leaking water into my kitchen if I turn it on, so I haven't showered today and I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything until I shower. For some reason, unbenownst to me, I have a case of dry mouth. I think it's left over from the whole cold/fever thing... it's been here a few days. I keep drinking water and all that happens is I have to pee more, but the dryness has stayed. Also, I had such dry skin from the heater running, that somehow i managed to have a chapped lip on the crease of my mouth and I split it open, which has made eating and talking and anything that requires my mouth open enough to bite something, painful. I guess I could make smoothies, but I've been dousing it with split open Vitamin E capsules instead and fighting the urge to put my tongue on it which I know only will make it worse. Ok, back to the Oscars for now.

Oscars:

Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig (he's so hot) present the awards.

Art Direction: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Costume Design: The Duchess - Michael O'Connor

Makeup Artist: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I don't have much to say about these, usually... as I haven't seen either movie, so I can't comment based on personal experience.

Amanda Seyfried and the guy who played Edward in Twilight presented a Romance movie montage. I should probably know his real name.

Commercial Break Commentary again:

So I should get up and refill my drink, I should also yell at the kids that aren't sleeping yet, and my friend Brian called and wants to go sing Karaoke. There is a contest tonight at Spurs, it's the whole Karaoke Contest from Crazy Chris, grand prize is $500. I don't really want to go. I'm more interested in sitting here and doing nothing. Besides, if I went anywhere, I know where I'd be.

Oscars:

Hugh's back on. Cinematographer. Natalie Portman and Stiller presenting. Ben's wearing some sort of weird beard and chewing gum, acting all disinterested, while Natalie is presenting. Ben's just walking around and the audience is laughing. Natalie is struggling to keep from laughing herself.

Cinematographer: Anthony Dod Mantle for Slumdog Millionaire. I can't be sure, but he looked like he was wearing sneakers with his suit.

Commercial Break Commentary:

Only two.

Oscars:

Jessica Biel presenting an honor to the guy who masterminded the digital effects used in all animated movies now... and back to commercial.

Commercial Break Commentary:

I can't believe that I'm still here on the same channel. I don't usually watch anything for this long. I have a horrible attention span. Either way, I'm ok with that. I know Brian's gonna start calling. I still don't feel like going anywhere. Especially with my mouth all chapped, I would rather stay home.

Oscars:

Comedy movie montage. Included a piece of the Reader... they laughed. Did the whole pineapple express character thing. Laughing at Doubt. Cute little bit... it was funny. Seth Rogan is so hot.

Jochen Freydank just won for a movie I've never heard of, I think it's a short movie.

Commercial Break Commentary: Brian called. I told him I don't think I'm going anywhere. He asked for me to call him if I change my mind. Um, no. He's a nice kid, but that's all I can see him as, and nothing more. He's been desperately trying to get closer to me, but I simply can't even begin to think about going there with him. He's 21. I mean, my brother will be 21 in April. My I changed my brother's diapers and babysat him. So you can understand how no matter what, mentally I cannot get past that. I have no idea why he finds me so interesting, or why he thinks we should go out together. I have not one thing in common with him and have blown him off since meeting him about a month ago. Bless him for trying.

Oscars:

Hugh singin' and dancin'.

Beyonce joins. Amanda Seyfried joins in too? And Vanessa Hudgens. I think... in the background as one of Beyonce's singers... they even do a whole HSM thing. Mamma Mia. Overall, enjoyable.

The musical is back, he proclaims. I agree. Everyone loves a musical.

Commercial Break Commentary: Mia Called, so I'm listening to her. Will catch up on the blog in the next commercial break.

Oscars:

Best Actor in a Supporting Role. Heath Ledger. Of course. The speech from his father and sisters was so absolutely beautiful, teary eyes were in the crowd. I was a huge fan of his, so I'm happy he got the win. The Dark Knight was amazing.

Documentary Feature: James Marsh

Documentary Short Film: Smile Pinki

Commercial Break Commentary: Still on the phone with Mia.

Oscars:

Action Movie Montage.

Will Smith presents an award for Outstanding Visual Effects. The Oscar goes to The Curious Case

Sound Editing: Dark Knight

Got involved in the conversation with Mia, so I saw Slumdog win a couple more... and then went to eat something downstairs, and then now just saw Slumdog Millionaire win for Original Score as well. The corner of my mouth hurts, as I just opened it to eat the leftover sloppy joe. Any bite of anything breaks it open again. Ow.

Oooh, cool Original Song dance.. I love indian dance. Hollywood has officially gone Bollywood with the huge wins for Slumdog Millionaire! Costuming is awesome. Cool song from Wall-E. Again, I'm loving the costuming and the ethnic diversity in the song. This one is almost bluesy, soul and slightly african in drum beat. Now we're back to the Slumdog song, the one where they all dance at the end. It ended with a really cool compilation of the two songs.

Original Song Oscar, Slumdog Millionaire, for the Jai Ho song- the popular last one. I like this guy... great quote. "All my life I've had the choice between hate and love. I chose love, and I'm here, so thank you." - A.R. Rachman.

Commercial Break Commentary: So I called Brian back after I hung up with Mia and bowed out of going out officially. He's out at a local bar nearby. He lives in the neighborhood. He might finally be getting the message that I'm just not into him. I should send him the movie ticket.

Oscars:

Best Foreign Language film goes to Departures, from Japan. I enjoy the acceptance speeches from people who barely speak English and are so excited for the win.

Commercial Break Commentary: I ended up talking with Mia till she was ready for bed, and I'm glad that she's feeling better than earlier. I ended up talking a lot about my life, as we hadn't caught up for a while uninterrupted. I'm surprised by some of what came out of my mouth. That new McDonald's Filet O Fish commercial with the fish on the wall is hysterical. I don't know why I like it so much, but it's good.

Oscars:

Queen Latifah does the remembrance bit. I always enjoy this part of the process. Oh, beautiful choice. "I'll be seeing you"... Cyd Charisse, Bernie Mac, bud Stone, Ollie Johnston, Van Johnson, J. Paul Huntsman, Michael Crichton (I didn't know he had died), Nina Foch, Pat Hingle, Harold Pinter, Charles H Joffe, Kon Ichikawa, Charles Schneer, Abby Mann, Roy Scheider, David Watkin, Robert Mulligan, Evelyn Keyes, Richard Widmark, Claude Berri, Maila Nurmi, Isaac Hayes, Leonard Roseman, Ricardo Montaban, Manny Farber, Robert Doqui, Jules Dassin, Paul Scofield, John Michael Hayes, Warren Cowan, Joseph Caracciolo, Stan Winston, Ned Tanen James Whitmore, Charlton Heston, Anthony Minghella, Sydney Pollack, Paul Newman....

I can't believe they left Heath Ledger out of that montage! What the hell?

Commercial Break Commentary: I got nothing.

Oscars:

Reece Witherspoon presenting Best Director. I'm pretty sure this is going to be another Slumdog Millionaire win, because it was SO awesome. I was right. Haha on the receiving it in the spirit of Tigger. Great speech.

Now here's the good stuff... coming up Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Film.

Commercial Break Commentary: I am in the mood to songwrite, but I don't have the energy to do it right now. I'd rather go to bed after the Oscars. I have some lyrics in my head, I'll end up putting them on paper to develop the idea further when I poke around on the guitar again. My jaw hurts, not sure why.

Oscars:

I really am enjoying the way they put all these past winners up for the presenting. Very cool.

Best Actress goes to Kate Winslet for The Reader. She was amazing in the movie. I really enjoyed it. She had a great speech as well. I loved that she asked her dad to whistle! Awesome!

Best Actor goes to Sean Penn for MILK. I didn't see the movie, but part of me wished for Mickey Rourke that he would have won. Nevertheless, I am sure that Sean did a wonderful job in the film, as he's a great actor. I'm interested in seeing the movie. It's on my list! Sean's speech was wonderful.

Steven Spielberg presents Best Film. And the Best Film goes to Slumdog Millionaire. That was expected, and cool.

Hope you enjoyed my Oscar related blog. I look forward to heading to bed now. Madelyn is up, and I just put vicks on her chest, she's still got a remnant cough from that cold...but she woke up with a nightmare... so I'm happy that I'm able to have her curled up with me.

Bedtime for mama.

Bro Code - Lesson # 658

2009-02-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

As quoted by Joey, to Frankie- after an altercation where Frankie grabbed Joey's shirt when he was pissed at him.

"Don't you ever BREAK MY SHIRT! You can punch me, you can push me, you can hit me, but don't you EVER break my shirt!"

There ya have it folks, Bro Code lesson #658.

Valentine's Weekend, Etc.

2009-02-17T05:52:00.001-08:00

I know I still have to finish up my birthday blog. It's a long one, and I'll get to it.

Just wanted to blog about this past weekend. It was fun, with the exception of getting sick- what the kids had all week. Ugh.

I could kill for a good cup of coffee right now.

Of course, I am once again single for Valentine's day, not that I really mind too much. Sure, having someone to share that whole romantic day with is great. What's tough is being alone through all the sappy romantic movies they play, and being tired/worn out enough to only feel like sitting there and watching TV.

Sore throat, coughing, fever.... gotta love it.

The kids had a good time this weekend because they had run of the house for the most part.

I ran into Jim at Spurs when I popped out for a bit, he turned around and ran in the other direction, then I saw his friend/"sister" and she asked me if I was with anyone, I said, no. I am back to doing things on my own again. I think he asked her to find out if I left him for someone new. Nope, I didn't. Just didn't feel the same way as he did.

Jon called me on Valentine's day, twice. Once I talked to him, and he wished me a Happy Valentine's day, we talked for a little while, then I guess he called again, long after I was asleep, announcing that it was his birthday on my voicemail (His birthday is the 15th). He called again on his birthday during the day to chat. Odd for me, to suddenly have him calling again. I was a little on the optimistic side when he mentioned that him and Melissa broke up- I said, oh, don't worry, I'm sure you guys will patch things up for another go of it soon enough. I don't think he was expecting that response. Burn me, I won't get burned again.

Had a fun night last night, was able to escape for a happy hour drink with Keith, though I stumbled in on "Man-date" night. Well, I was invited to join, not realizing it was "man-date" night. Still fun, played Chug21 at the little bar and won high score on the machine, much to Keith's chagrin. Got to hang out with Stu and Nick too. They're always a lot of fun.

Got a phone call from Mark yesterday, saying that TT was all mad about the MySpace message I left for him, telling him basically that if he knew anything about my camera, he really needed to let me know... how does one get angry about a post like that unless they're feeling guilty?
I should probably just refer him to the police report and let him know that if he has any questions or answers regarding the camera and shoes episode, he can talk to the detective.
I am really pissed but I have a feeling I'll get my stuff returned, at some point. Let's face it, married guy goes out with a harem of women, runs into an ex-friend/girlfriend for a second, and then someone takes a picture of them together... yeah, well, might not bode well for said married man who doesn't take the vows seriously. Thankfully, I want nothing to do with him in that department, didn't even want my picture taken with him, but obliged once the camera was shoved in my direction. Even was told I had to get closer. Sigh... then the camera disappears ten minutes after the picture was taken. Yeah, something doesn't add up. Oh, and the shoes too. Make sure that she knows it's a personal attack, take her shoes.

I know my stuff will be returned. I know it.

Ok, kids are driving me up a wall here, the girls are late for school because Kate flipped about her pants... and I put new ones in the dryer. Now she can't find the ones that are clean in the dryer and I am about ready to scream. She also can't "find" one of the several hairbrushes I just re-stocked in this house. Of course, she's complaining about not being able to find it while laying in the hallway, so that should explain her level of searching for both said items. Gotta go be tough mom for a bit.

Catch ya later, gonna have a good week. :)

Happy Birthday To Me....

2009-02-12T06:51:00.000-08:00

My birthday was a few days ago, but I was not here, I was in Nashville, celebrating my birthday weekend with my friends. I can't believe I'm officially 31. That sounds old. I'm not old! Ha!

I had a ton of pictures, taken with a camera that was my birthday gift to myself. It was lost/stolen the last night of my trip. I'm still hoping it's on its way back to me... I really miss the thought of all my pictures gone.

Anyway, on Thursday, I had the car packed up and left town mid-morning right after dropping the kids off at the bus stop and having breakfast at the truck stop with Keith. It's a 12 hour drive from here, so I planned on just making it into Nashville around 9pm CST.

The drive went pretty smoothly, with the exception of me having to pee like constantly - which pissed me off because I normally have a bladder of steel. When I finally rolled into town, I parked right at Losers and went in to celebrate Erv and Steve's birthday. It was their birthday party that night, so I knew that some old friends would be there for sure. I was right! I even got to meet some new friends, including a wonderful man named Randy. The pictures from Thursday were funny and goofy.

On Friday, I woke up early and Mark and I drove through Jack In The Box so I could have a quick breakfast before meeting Cari and heading to the hair salon. Renee was doing my hair for me as a birthday thing, so I was headed to Music Row so that I could get all beautified. Renee did an awesome job. I only have a picture of me in the chair that I took with my cell phone...

Then when I was finished, I had to rush over to Las Palmas, for my birthday lunch celebration. I was running a few minutes behind, as Renee was straightening my hair and making sure it was perfect. But it ended up working out just fine, and I quickly had the biggest birthday "party" I've had since I was probably like seven. I think there were 10 of us at the table. I took pictures to show my family for proof. Damn, I am pissed those are missing! Hahaha! It's a running joke about me and parties.

At the lunch, I was able to meet Brent in person and hand deliver the sweethearts gala painting. We took pictures of us smiling and it glistening in the sun. Again, gone.

So then, Cari and I decided it was time to do a little shopping around town. She needed some things, and I was more than happy to check out shoes at Off Broadway. I ran into my friend Earl Clark upstairs in the offices, when I went to go find Mark (he didn't want to go shoe shopping). I ended up picking up three pairs of shoes (all clearance!)- a pair of hellacious red stilettos, a pair of cute mary jane type shoes and some comfy bearclaw boots (lined).

We took Mark back to his apartment, and Cari and I went to her place to change for the evening. We had been invited to meet up with Brent for happy hour, and this way I could sign the back of the painting (which I hadn't done before) and put all my information on it. We met Brent and his friends at Tin Roof, had a birthday drink, and then we parted ways. She was headed home (her car was in the lot there since the morning) and I was planning on heading downtown.

It was still early, so I stopped into Losers to see if I could see any of my writer friends that liked to hold their afternoon meetings on the patio. When I walked in, Erv, GR, Steve and Randy were all there, and I was quickly invited to join them. A few more birthday drinks and I started thinking about how dinner would be a good option. I guess Randy felt the same way, because he asked me if I was hungry and told me that he'd love to take me to dinner. What girl turns down a nice dinner with a great guy? Not this one!

The weather was beautiful, so we walked the three blocks to this new restaurant, called Giovanni's (supposedly a Nashville version of the New York establishment). It used to be a bar/club called Layla Rul so it was kind of neat to see the transformation of the space. Dinner was fantastic, and Randy was such a gentleman. We had an amazing appetizer that was their "mixed fried seafood and zucchini with marinara sauce", and we popped open a bottle of cabernet. For dinner, I had the "marinated rosemary chicken breast served with polenta and asparagus". It was divine. I can't say enough about it. It was simply to die for. My taste buds were in heaven. For dessert, Randy arranged a bit of a surprise. I picked their chocolate dessert (can't remember what it was called) and it came out on a plate, that had "Happy Birthday" written in chocolate. We smiled for pictures (missing!), and dug into the most decadent chocolate dessert I have had in a long time. I thanked Randy for such a wonderful dinner and such a great night of getting to know one another.

Conversation and the red wine ended up being enough of an evening for me, so I decided to not go downtown after all, and just call it a night around midnight.

The next morning, I woke up early and headed out of town to go see Todd out in Nolensville. He'd moved out to the country in an effort to get away, and I had promised him I would come see him. So, I drove the half hour to his place and we caught up. I played and sang my new songs for him, and he LOVED the "God Help Me" one. Told me we need to get that demo'd and pitched. We spent the majority of the day together- him, me and his son Wyler. We went back into town, had tacos at a roadside stand, to Friedmans (hunting store) where they got boy things, ICON Midtown, then we had a late lunch at Kalamatas before I took them home. I had been craving that gyro for over a year. MMM. It didn't disappoint!

When I dropped them off, I had talked to Laura about trying to get together and plan our night for later. I also talked with Cari and told her I would meet her down at the Eric Heatherly show at The Listening Room Cafe around 8:30. I popped my head into Losers and ran into Randy Houser who had just rode in on his bike, hadn't seen him in a while but he was exhausted from being out of town. He stuck around for a soda and then headed back on the bike. I laughed with Tony and Phil for a while then decided I should change into whatever I was going to wear for the night and head out.

(I'll finish the rest later- got some stuff to do....)

NEW Pieces of Art.... by me! :)

2009-02-03T15:33:00.000-08:00

This is the painting that I did for the Sweethearts Gala.

It's 24" x 24" Acrylics and Mixed Media on gallery framed wood

"I Believe In A Thing Called Love"

1 of 4 in the What Is Love? Series

You can get this painting by bidding on it at the Sweethearts Gala, link in my previous post.

This one is the second of the series.

It's 24" x 24" Acrylics and Mixed Media on gallery framed wood

"Crazy Love"

2 of 4 in the What Is Love? Series

This painting is available currently, for $450, which includes shipping within the continental US.

If you'd like to see more of my artwork currently for sale, you can view my Facebook Album. I also accept commissioned work.

Thanks!

-Audrey

New Year, New Take...Busy January

2009-02-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't posted a blog in a while, and part of that has been that I didn't know what I wanted to share with the world vs. what I wanted to keep to myself.

I've always been a really open book with where I am in my life, and I don't regret that, but at the same time, I know that putting information out there that's intensely personal can come back to bite one in the ass. I also know from my Google Analytics, that there are some people reading my blog almost religiously checking for new content... and I haven't provided it.

Well, a blog is basically a journal, or diary... and like songwriting, when you actually know it's being read/heard, and you are seeing your diary pages open for everyone... sometimes you just take a step back and rethink how much of your life you want to share. Once the words are out, they're out.

I've had an interesting January, and I realize I didn't post at all during that month, but it was a good thing for me to lay low for the first month of the year and re-prioritize my life. I have begun singing again out on a regular basis, Tuesday nights... and I've spent a lot of time with my guitar, learning more chords, songwriting a lot. I've been spending time with friends up here and the kids... and just hunkering down and hibernating during the cold, cold month.

I did some home improvements- basically painting for now... I'm on hold until I see our handyman around- because I have to wait for him to finish what he's doing before I can paint and decorate further.

I've been painting as well, and will be unveiling a new series of art, titled "What is Love". It's a series of four paintings, one of which is going to be donated as a silent auction piece for the Sweethearts Gala in Nashville, TN.

It's a great event that my friend Brent Young helps organize, and it's all for Nashville State Community College and providing scholarships. Can't beat supporting education! If you're in Nashville, please try to attend!

Also, one of my favorite country artists and his beautiful wife are the "Celebrity Sweethearts" - James and Amy Otto. They are really beautiful people, inside and out! Join them at the Hilton Hotel, Nashville on February 13, 2009. More information in the links above.

So that's what I've been up to in this past month. My birthday is coming up, next week and I am really excited to celebrate my 10th anniversary of my 21st birthday. So, that's my January in a pretty short post.

More creativity, more singing, more writing, more painting, more down time well spent with the kids... and some very special friends. Oh, and I'm working on re-opening my soaping business too... by spring. What can I say, 2009 is going to be a great year!

Decorating Cookies for Santa!

2008-12-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

The kids had a BLAST decorating cookies for Santa.

We used dried berries/fruit, nuts (cashews, peanuts, almonds), m & m s, and cinnamon sugar to decorate the cookies, on top of vanilla icing. How's that for making something completely healthy completely UNHEALTHY! haha!

The kids really enjoyed making the cookies and I couldn't help but chuckle at Madelyn's gingerbread man... it's in the pictures above... with an interestingly placed cashew.... ahem.

Anyway, the pictures are posted and our cookies are ready for the big man to make his appearance...

Christmas Eve...

2008-12-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

ALREADY???
I can't believe it's Christmas Eve already. I mean, the month FLEW by. It's been a busy month, but also a financially stressful month.

My parents have been so helpful, and I have maintained a very, very tight budget. I'm waiting to get my unemployment check still, I finally qualify, but there's some sort of holdup while they get information from TN. It's so frustrating to be pinching pennies in a very literal sense.

I've been blessed though, I don't want to complain. I've had a lot of good things happen and the bad things, well... it's all just temporary. I have interviewed with local companies, and although no one is hiring until next year, it's alright, I am enjoying this time with the kids and trying to enjoy the holidays as much as possible.

Despite the tight budget, God has provided. There's no other way to explain it. Just when I started worrying about the fridge stock getting low, my mom called to send us a Ham and a Turkey for the holidays. In addition to that, I have been baking and sharing cookies and food with friends who need/enjoy it, and Jim came by on Sunday for the football game, and went to the store and restocked my eggs, bread, milk, cheese and hot dogs/buns for a few days. He even brought over venison steaks and a venison roast. I hadn't ever had venison before, but after we cooked it, it was simply wonderful!

When things were getting thin again, despite my baking and freezing, I talked with F, and he sent a little of next month's child support to get us through the last week. I went food shopping and stocked the fridge and freezer again. They were running a special at ALDI on Hamburger Buns and Hot Dog Buns for 25cents a bag, so I bought a bunch of both, for a total of maybe $2.50 and then put them in the freezer.

My cell phone is currently out of service, but that's because I wanted to make sure the kids had a seemingly normal Christmas, despite my lack of a job. I bought things smart, and doled out items on their Santa lists to aunts and uncles... I think they'll have a great day tomorrow morning and I can't wait to see their faces. This is the last year I'll have everyone believing in Santa so I really wanted to kind of just make it magical.

I should have it back in service next week. A week without a cell phone is worth it to me.

Our Busy Calendar
The kids have been SO excited. I've written this week's events on our dry erase calendar in the kitchen, and there were two other events beyond Christmas they've been counting down.
My sister, Monica came into town, so she's spending Christmas with us and the kids are so thrilled to see her (as am I). She lives in Las Vegas, so we don't get to see her often. I'm so glad that I'll have a member of my immediate family to celebrate Christmas with.

Then we've also got a countdown for the kids' Dad's arrival. He'll be getting into town on Sunday, and the kids will spend a week at the Days Inn with him, going swimming in the pool, bowling, out to eat, etc. I will have the week *off*. I'll spend it straightening up and cooking, probably. But I'll enjoy going out on occasion with some friends and spending New Years out and about (I say that now, but it might be that I spend it on the couch again).

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
I can't wait till later tonight! :)

Christmas Tree Fun...A Relaxing Weekend

2008-12-08T11:17:00.000-08:00

I'm really a lucky woman.

I was talking to Jim, over a piece of that Apple Crumb Cake... and mentioned that I needed to check craigslist or something to find a fake tree for Christmas, as my last one ate it in the storage unit fire, and things were too tight to go to Target or Walmart for a fake one at full price.

He looked at me as if I had gone completely crazy and said, why not just get a real one?

I explained that I didn't have a stand either, and certainly wasn't going to buy a stand so I could lug a real tree in by myself and put it up by myself. Hey, I know I'm a brute, but seriously, not gonna happen. Then I mentioned the pine needles and I ran out of excuses.

He said there was no way he was getting a tree for his place, and he had an extra tree stand at his old house still, so I could have that, and that we would all go out to the tree farm out off route 292 and pick out a tree.

I explained that I had never been to a tree farm before, and done that, and it was settled. We made plans to caravan out there with his truck and me and the kids in my car on Saturday.

This was the first time in my thirty years, that I have ever been to a tree farm, much less to cut down a tree. It was SO cold, but it was a lot of fun. Jim, true to his word, showed up on Saturday for lunch with us (I made Chili), then we got everyone ready to roll, and we were off to the tree farm.

It was FREEZING. After trips to the bathroom for the girls, a quick conversation with the owner of the tree farm (the property was in his family for four generations, and he lived on the same farm during the Depression), and a trip back to the car for more layers of clothes for Kate (who had sworn at home she was warm enough, and didn't want the extra layer when we were home- I brought it anyway), we went up walking through the fields.

Up and down rows, in and out of trees, while Frankie and Madelyn discussed which tree to pick, and Kaitlyn sighed and just said, "let's get one already". Joey got tired of everything and cold, so he headed back to the car for a while. Once we decided on a tree, we sent Kate to get Joey, so he could okay it.

Frankie had been walking around with the saw, anxious to cut the tree. He quickly realized it was tougher than he thought it was going to be. Both Frankie and Madelyn had a turn at cutting the tree. Kate wanted no part of it, and Joey was on his way back from the car to help drag it in.

When we got home, Jim brought the tree in, and we set it up on the tree stand in the dining room. I had dinner in the crockpot, so I put on noodles and veggies and we had a quick dinner together. After dinner, I put on the white Christmas lights, while the kids and Jim watched football, with Joey helping me untie the strands of lights.

After searching through the basement, I realized I didn't have any ornaments here either. So I figured I would go get some on Sunday and we could finish the tree then. Jim mentioned he had a bunch of old ones at his old house and it was silly to buy them, so he would bring it over for us.

Well, Saturday night after the kids were tucked in, we decided to see if we could go out on our own for a little while. While we were out, it started snowing, and on the way back to the house, his truck was sliding a little on the roads, so I told him he could camp out on the couch rather than driving all the way home.

I woke up to the sound of laughter early Sunday morning, and when I came downstairs, Jim was on the couch, with a couple kids piled around him, and they were all watching Spongebob Squarepants. We had about an inch of snow on the ground. I couldn't help but smile myself, and chuckle at the sight.

I made breakfast sandwiches, and cleaned the kitchen, then we all sat around watching TV, after lunch (leftover chili) I even managed to snooze a bit on the couch! (I never do that!) Mid-afternoon, the roads were clear, so Jim ran down and got the ornaments, as well as dinner fixin's. We had make-your-own Italian bread pizzas- cheese & pepperoni and Jim had onion on his. The kids LOVED those, and so did I! It was better than French bread pizza, and such a fast and easy dinner. (Easy cleanup too!) We watched the Steelers game, which I told him, that since I'm a Titans fan, the countdown is on in two weeks, when the Steelers vs. Titans game is on! We joked about how we could like each other except for that day. I fully plan on painting my face Titans blue for display in my living room! Haha! I am going to decorate with handmade GO TITANS signs and everything!

After dinner, I threw in the laundry, and the kids raided the ornament box, and hung things on the tree. The kids got the tree decorated, and I took a few pictures. The kids got in bed and Jim and I watched more football till it was getting late and I was getting sleepy.

All in all, it was a great weekend, and I have this beautiful tree to look at in my dining room, and the kids have already been asking where he is, and if he's coming over today (he's not).

I was so spoiled this weekend, and it was something that made me so happy... and it was being spoiled with quality time with the kids... and hearing laughter... it was just awesome. I'm pretty thrilled right now.

Kids' Christmas Lists/ Christmas Wishes...

2008-12-03T10:34:00.001-08:00

I have so many family members who are asking me about the kids and their Christmas Lists. What I'll do is type out their letters to Santa here. This will also serve to help me out with remembering what I got the kids for Christmas (as I wrap)...

If it's in Italics, it's been purchased already. Normal type... free game!

Frankie
Nintendo DS
Guitar Hero Aerosmith Game for Wii (we have the guitar)
iDog soft speaker
Madden 09 for the Wii
Kirby for the DS
Tech Decks (though he likes these and they're inexpensive, so feel free to get em if you wanna)
Nerf Volcan Longshot EB525 and the region c5-6 (Ok, I bought a Nerf gun, honestly, I have no idea what kind it is- it's the same kind the people in the office used to shoot.)
Eclops Nightvision
Bakugan Battle Brawlers
Mega Next iCoaster

Joey
Nintendo DS
Kirby Superstar DS game
Down to Life DS game
Globs of Doom Wii Game
De-Blob Wii Game
Globs of Doom DS Game (I don't know why this is on his list twice)
Kirby Treasure Hunt
D-Rex
iDog Soft Speaker
Nightvision
Bolt DS game or Wii game
Nintendogs DS game
Rip Stik G (it's a skateboard thing, just saw it at Target)
Trick Tracks
K-Nex Roller Coaster
Zero Gravity Micro
Shrek The Walls (game)
Twin Thunder Havoc
A Motor Scooter (this one, ain't happenin')

Kaitlyn
Nintendo DS - any color
Games for DS
Biscuit My Loving Pup
So Alive To Me
Bratz Magic Hair Color
Candy Canes
EZ Bake Oven (I'm planning on getting this for her)
Barbie House
Barbie Doll
Hannah Montana Guitar (I got her a regular guitar, acoustic. Will find a Hannah Montana sticker for it)
Fur Real Friends Horse

Madelyn
Nintendo DS Pink
Fur Real Friends Cat
Barbie Dolls
Hannah Montana Guitar (she can share with her sister!)
My Little Pony
Bratz
Tinkerbell DVD
Princess Barbie
Prance and Fly Pegasus
Hannah Holiday Popstar
Peek a Boo (I don't know what this is)
Baby Alive
Twister Moves Hannah Montana

__________________

Now, what I do have is a lot of stuff that's not on their lists too. DS games, included.
I'll do a running total here of all the kids stuff for Christmas.

4 Nintendo DS
Acoustic Guitar
Kicking And Screaming DVD
Barbie Rapunzel DVD
2 Nerf Guns - N Strike Maverick -with extra ammo pack
Tech Decks
Girls Stocking Stuffers- makeup, markers, etc..
Lemony Snicket DVD
Secret of Nimh DVD
Charlottes Web DVD
Yours, Mine & Ours DVD
DS covers - Littlest Pet Shop cover for Madelyn
Pink cover for Kate's pink DS
Hannah Montana Music Jam DS game
Kirby Super Star ULTRA DS game
Viva Pinata Pocket Paradise DS game
Balls of Fury DS game
Arthur and the Invisisbles DS game
Nintendogs (Labrador Retriever) DS game

I still plan on doing the baby doll and other game stuff run early next week....
Oh, and I got wrapping paper and tape. :) (DOLLAR STORE!)

Here's my Santa List...
A lunch date with Vince Vaughn (heehee)
A new job.. (I think I have this handled...)
My trip to Nashville when the kids dad comes to visit them...and with this, the ability to go to the Black and White party that I was invited to with Laura (oh, but Cinderella needs something to WEAR!)
A writing session with Randy Houser, Rory Feeks or Jeffrey Steele.
STUDIO time!
To find an investor for Cari's and my studio/gallery.
To get my internet business up and running...
To sell some of my artwork, oh.. and the handmade soaps that I made...
A date for New Years. :) I have someone in mind!!!
Oh, and if Santa wants to send me a matchmaker, I'm interested... but I'm picky! :)

Pictures of Baking Day...

2008-12-03T06:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why, but the baking picture is not loading correctly... it's horizontal on my computer screen, but vertical here... Eh... whatever, turn your head. :)

Jim got the last piece of Apple Crumb Cake!

Madelyn helped me make oatmeal chocolate chip cookies!

I relaxed after a long day of baking with a glass of wine! :)

December Already?

2008-12-02T09:35:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe it is already December of 2008. I don't know where this year has gone. Mainly getting life organized again, I guess. My thirtieth year is drawing to a close, and I feel like it flew by. I didn't do ANYTHING I initially planned on doing for my thirtieth. I guess I'll have to celebrate my 30+1 the way I wanted to celebrate 30.

I have realized what I want in life... it's a pretty good place to be when you know what you want.

Keith just stopped by, surprising me with a knock at the door. Haha! In the UPS uniform. Awesome. There's something about that brown uniform. It made me laugh when he asked if I had any packages that needed delivering.

I'm about ready to make myself lunch. Dinner is already prepped and in the fridge till about 4pm. I feel so industrious today. I even prepped dinners for later in the week!
I went grocery shopping at both Redners and Aldi, found a couple Christmas goodies for the kids too!

Frank is getting them the DS units, so I'm in charge of finding CHEAP games en masse. I'm probably going to run up to GameStop later this week, maybe tomorrow... and see if I can find any that are on the "Santa" list.

Anyway, I'm off to start some baking. Making banana muffins, apple crisp, oatmeal cookies and some rolls for later. I figure by the time the kids get home I should have at least the cookies and dessert made. The bread should be rising... and be ready for rolls later.

I really missed being domestic. I can only hope that someday I can do this again full time... and not worry about making money to pay the bills. I read on the inside of one of my old cookbooks... and it said.. "An industrious wife is a man's best savings box". I shared it with my mom, and she laughed at the box reference (yeah, my MOM laughed... I get my gutter mind from her), but we agreed on how it is true. It takes time to prepare foods, plan menus, and grocery shop, do laundry. Being a housewife is a full time job in itself, being a mom is a full time job too! Add another full time job on top of that and every now and then you feel like you can't keep up. And it's true, somewhere some things suffer.

When I was working full time, we were all eating a lot of QUICK meals, whether I fed the kids chicken nuggets, or mac and cheese... Now, I get to make garlic chicken with broccoli, or beef and noodles with mashed potatoes, or sesame ginger chicken... Veggies with every meal... The time and energy to put love into the foods I make.

I spent $160 between the two stores today. $78 at Redners and $80 at ALDI. Of course, in the ALDI, there was about $30 of non-food purchases (a mini-guitar for the girls for Christmas, hat/glove set and a pair of cordoroys for Madelyn), so I spent $130 on food items.

Barring buying extra milk, that should feed all of us for the next 2 weeks. I stocked up the cabinets again and I have just about everything I need to make treats for the kids and dinners and plenty of room for leftovers.

Keith and Ron have been overjoyed that I've had extra leftovers over the past several weeks to feed them too! Ron packed up a bunch of Tupperwares for me to fill up for them. Haha!

Anyway, off to bake.

I need to find a Christmas tree... this week... I don't have a stand, so I can't get a real one. I should check Craigslist. Hm. Ok, off to do that first.

Happy Girl...

2008-11-21T18:13:00.000-08:00

This is me, while stuck at a dead stop in traffic last night...

It's a rearview mirror shot.

Hey, I don't get mad sitting in traffic, I get bored.

I liked the red glow of the lights...

I'm a happy girl here. (despite the traffic)

Oh, and I got to give my friend his painting! So it all worked out... plus just an incredible night of music and overall fun!

New Song - Feelin' like a kid again.

2008-11-21T16:38:00.000-08:00

I think we all have moments where we don't really feel grown up... I know I do all the time. I watch EVERYTHING in life. I watch people's interactions, I listen to things going on around me... if you ask my mother, she'll tell you I came out of the womb wide-eyed and checkin' out my new world.

I wrote this, comically, about myself... how even as an adult, I can find myself getting those pre-teen puppy love jitters every now and then, and I chuckle at myself for getting butterflies in my stomach, or whatever it may be... anyway, I'm fairly sure that others can relate... MEN AND WOMEN.... or rather, boys... and girls. :) Enjoy! (let me know what you think!)

Thirty Going On Thirteen
Audrey Korshoff, BMI, doc 11/21/2008

There's something about the way you look at me
Something about the sparkle in your eyes
The way you wrap your arms around my shoulders
Or smile as you walk by...

Yeah you've got me all sorts of confused
My radar is now out of whack
I think about how I would kiss you
And how you might kiss me back

So now here I am all grownup
Just tryin' to play it cool
It's obvious I like you so much
But I don't want to be your fool

Here I am at thirty going on thirteen again
My heart's beating fast and I can't seem
To take this grin off my face
I often find myself staring
At you and I'm entertained
I have to laugh at my actions
Cause I'm thirty, yet thirteen again

I kick myself because I'm so smitten
With the man I know that you are
Is this just a crush or is this serious
Who knows it's never gotten that far...

Here I am at thirty going on thirteen again
My heart's beating fast and I can't seem
To take this grin off my face
I often find myself staring
At you and I'm entertained
I have to laugh at my actions
Cause I'm thirty, yet thirteen again

Yeah, I'm thirty, yet thirteen again.

Painting More...

2008-11-19T07:28:00.000-08:00

Finally!

One of the things that I've been doing over the past couple weeks since getting back has been painting. I'm not sure if it was the complete spiritual renewal while I was there, or if it was a little because I finally felt that it was time... but I went GUNG HO on the painting. I actually plan on painting again today.

While I was in Nashville, with my car all loaded up, I ran into my friend Danny, whose girlfriend Renee has a salon/spa on 16th St (right on Music Row). I gave Renee one of my pieces of art when she was just opening up the salon, for her area. It matched the color schemes perfectly. Well, once she saw that, Danny and her wanted to see what other paintings I had, because they wanted to put more of my artwork in the salon.

Well, when I met up with him, and explained that by the Grace of God, most of my things were salvageable - especially the things that meant the most- he asked if I was able to salvage any paintings. I opened my trunk and showed him that I had most of them.

He offered to buy several, smoke smelling paintings right from my car, and explained that if I could wait a few weeks for payment, he would take all of them, as they were expanding the salon and would need some more art for the walls.

So, when I arrived home, I had almost no paintings left... just the few that I kept because they were so important to me...

It was time, I knew, to quit talkin' about painting, and actually PAINT.

Here are some pictures that I hope you'll enjoy- the whole process of the paintin'... and finished projects. I already have an offer from a myspace friend to purchase at least one of them.

"These Arms of Mine". Also 24" x 24" on wood with a wooden frame, painted black.

**I painted this one, with the intention of it being a gift. He is a new country artist, but longtime songwriter and a friend of mine. He's got a real "soulful" background, and one of his favorite artists is Otis Redding... so... I put on that song... "These Arms of Mine", hit repeat... and found myself with that painting when I was done. Once I was done, I stood back, and it's truly one of my favorites that I've done. It's reminiscent to me, colorwise, of Starry Night.... though I never had any intention of that in there.

I knew I wanted lots of blues, because... well, Otis sings the blues... as does he... And it's more like an open arm hug there, in the light yellow... Flowers need the open arms of the sun, the warmth and all that.... anyway, that's where I got that one. When I paint, I kind of just do it, and it's meditative... that whole image just showed up when I was done. I was hoping to see my friend this weekend, but my budget and his schedule aren't working in our favor. So it will have to wait till I see him after Christmas. Guess he's getting it as a late Christmas gift.

I think this one, I'm gonna call "Love Song". It's 24" x 24" and on wood with a gallery wood frame, painted black. If you're interested in this email me/IM me. It's available for sale.

A very HAPPY me. Wow that was freeing!

This one is 36" x 48"... on gallery wrapped canvas. It is also available for sale. "Healing All Wounds"

I'm so happy that I started again... it's something that is so fulfilling for me. I enjoy it so much!

What do you see in the paintings? I talked with my mom, and she sees some interesting stuff. I always like to see what people find within my artwork! Leave comments and let me know. :)

Nashville Trip, Part One.

2008-11-11T20:38:00.000-08:00

I promised to write about my Nashville trip and I am going to do it, right now. I don't want to leave out any details, or anything like that. It was so great for me to clear out the storage unit... but moreso to feel so rejuvenated by those friends who really do love me.

The drive...

It was November 1st, my son's ninth birthday. I didn't want to leave until after his birthday was "over" and he was tucked in for the night. So I didn't get on the road until after 10pm, once everything was packed for my trip and I had everything I needed, including cash just in case I broke down somewhere, etc. I had my safety net in place. The kids and sitters were taken care of. It was time.

I got into the car and plugged in my phone. I spent the first three or four hours of the trip on the phone, till I tucked in the last of my friends and got ready to listen to some music for several hours. I had told myself I would be able to stop if I got tired, but with each mile, I just wanted to get to Nashville faster. After all, I could sleep at my friends' places free, but not so on the road.

Coffee, adrenaline and 6 Hour Energy drinks were my friend. I wondered about the stuff in the unit and prayed that my kids pictures would at least be somewhat salvageable. I started taking a mental tally of all the precious things of mine that I had in there. The things my grandparents left to me, including old pictures of them!

I just prayed and reminded myself that there was no way that I could change anything now, so I was just going to let go and wait to see what was left. I was fully prepared for complete devastation.

By morning, I had seen the sun rise shortly after passing through Knoxville. With the time change AND the daylight savings time ending, I gained 2 hours. I took this picture because it just made me smile.... Tennessee mountains and valleys. It just looked like HOME.

Around the same time, I took a picture of me that just explains what a 12 hour drive does to a mom who just went through the past 36 hours with Halloween parades, parties and birthday celebrations.... oh, and no sleep!

I look completely spent...

But it's kind of funny... at least to me.

A very tired, me.

Arriving in Nashville...

As I got closer, I pulled out my phone again and began updating my facebook status. I found out that my friend Dennis was up, and was waiting for me. I would be able to crash there if I felt like I needed to recoup energy.

When I got to Dennis' studio, I was greeted with a big bear hug, and then a wonderful conversation. We talked about God, about helping people, about the universe, crazy dreams and overall spirituality and our love of others... it was so cool. I was tired, but instead of sleeping, I decided to head to the Public Storage unit to see if I could get any access to the unit to cut a day from my trip and see what I was going to have to recruit help-wise.

I went down there, and found the most unhelpful woman possible at the desk. Apparently, since it was an area of investigation still, the fire investigator had to personally check everyone in and out. So, there was no chance I was even going to see the unit. I stared at the outside of the building, which you've seen in prior pictures, and I was so close, but still no closer to knowing what I was going to be dealing with. I just secretly knew that God was testing my patience, and I decided to enjoy the beautiful, sunny day in my favorite city.

I went to my friend Todd's apartment, where I found two women moving furniture out. I was a little confused, because he didn't have women living with him before, and didn't mention it. Todd, who normally is a little on the wild side, was so very sober, subdued and bright eyed. It was such a joy to find him in such a healthy state. He mentioned that he was just trying to get his life in order again. I could not be happier or more excited for my friend. We sat together and chatted, until I got a call that Mark was waiting for me at the restaurant.

Overall, that day was a gift. I was able to see more friends, have a nice lunch (on Mark!). Mark had been in Chattanooga that morning, but when he heard that I was going to be in town, decided to pack up and head north the two hours.

Just so he could see me while I was in town. How sweet is that?

He's a goofball, but he's a damn good friend and extremely talented songwriter.

So, after our lunch, I told him I planned on going downtown and seeing who I could find from my friends who played on Broadway. I had gotten a text message from my friend Greg... aka Fiddler... and he wanted me to come and sing with him and the band at Legends Corner during his set. There was a Titans game that day, so instead of driving in (parking would have been a nightmare), I parked my car up by Losers, and took a cab from Midtown to Broadway.

As I was facebooking my status in the cab, I decided to meet up with my friend EJ down at the Hooters for a couple beers and to watch the game. We sat there and watched the Titans kick the Green Bay Packers butts. They were 8-0 then...there was a huge amount of joy in my heart, as I was sitting there, enjoying my time in Nashville, surrounded by friends and the town that makes my heart jump for joy.

I had promised my friend Fiddler I would show up for his set down at Legends, so EJ and I made it down there to catch the last hour of his show. I got up and sang with them. I sang "When You Say Nothing At All", but truthfully, this is where memory and exhaustion, plus a couple beers are just having the details get muddied. I remember now because I was explaining the chord progression to one of the guys.

Anyway, we went across the street to Crossroads, and I was waiting on Laura to get downtown. My friend Chris showed up too, and I was playing poker and falling asleep. I was convinced that somehow I would get my second wind. I probably looked like a lightweight drunk, but honestly, it was just the craziness of being up for so long. I only had a few beers.

I told EJ I was going to walk around to wait for my friend and see who I knew, because sitting was making me tired. He was playing poker, so I told him I'd see him later. I never saw him again that trip. Ha!

As I was hopping in and out of Tootsies and The Stage, I saw several friends, gave out hugs, and even got some bad news... my friend Loren had recently passed away- two months ago. I want to just point out that Loren was this amazingly talented drummer and all around great guy. He was that kind of person that always had a smile on his face. It was a fluke accident. His brother, Jonathan plays guitar, and the two of them often played sets together on the back stage at Tootsies.

God Bless Loren and his family.

So, I got to see my friends again, and hugged them, shared stories, showed pictures of the kids... and the common question was, when are you coming home to us?

I explained that I would when I could, but I still had some things to take care of, and that I would probably be back the week after Christmas to see everyone again.

Laura called me shortly thereafter, as I was heading back towards Crossroads to find EJ.

I missed my friend! She had just driven back from a work conference in Memphis, so she was tired too! Here is a picture of the tired two of us.

I should mention how we became friends here, because it's fitting. We both dated the same person... not far apart in time span. We both found out he was a jerk. Lying, sneaking around, all around not the man we thought he was. And, in sharing our stories, we bonded. Who knew?

I didn't take many pictures in Nashville, but the ones I do have are precious to me. Laura and I had, together, a wonderful night, and ended up hanging out down on Broadway, walking up to Printers Alley to sing karaoke together, and we ran into so many people that we both knew, that made the night even better.

We ended up at our favorite place, Losers. It was there, we ran into my friend Calvin and his friend Eric. I simply had to fall asleep at this point, after a full night of running around and no sleep, it was time. I knew I had to be up early the next morning to deal with the whole storage unit business. Part of it terrified me, but I was grateful for the day and night of fun with my friends.

Public Storage and the Fire Damage

Here's where this post is going to get ridiculously spiritual. Not religious, mind you, but spiritual.

Remember how I prayed for my kids pictures, and my grandparents collectibles? Well, I get to the Public Storage office first thing in the morning, just as they were opening, in my sneakers, t-shirt and yoga pants... ready to work.

I get checked in by the fire investigator and led upstairs to my unit, where they open the door. The very first thing I see? My grandfather's face, in his navy blues... in the picture that I had framed of his, with a few of his pins and bands and stuff. Just staring back at me, propped on that old chair of my grandparents (the one I gave birth to Madelyn off the side of). I silently praised God, and thanked him... and was led back downstairs so the workers could begin emptying my unit for me.

As they brought things down, there were definitely items with smoke damage, some with water damage, and the funniest melted printer I've ever seen... but overall, I was very, very fortunate. They were bringing down BOXES, where other people's items were coming down in piles of ash with rubbermaid bins.

Things had a thick layer of soot, but for the most part, there was a lot that was salvageable.

I think the most miraculous thing from the trip was that the boxes that held both my pictures from me being a kid, and my children's pictures- their baby books, etc. Were all 100% untouched. The boxes barely had any soot on them at all. No water damage, nothing. That to me, is a God given miracle.

I had been in touch with my friend Billy all day, he was going to come help me by bringing a friend over to help me load what was salvageable but not going to fit in my car, into the smaller unit around the corner. His schedule was running late, and he had a show that night. But here's where I nearly freaked out.

Around 5pm, I had gone through 99% of my things, boxed it all up, hadn't eaten since breakfast with Mark and Allison early that morning... was starving and as it was getting darker, I was waiting on another friend to show up (they didn't). The lady at public storage had to go to another office, so she wanted to lock up the gate. I explained that I had to leave that night and that I just had to take the rest of my things and move them from where they were to the storage unit on the other side. I didn't have a truck and being that I was expecting friends, had loaded my car. I had enough things that I wasn't comfortable leaving behind, sitting there, and the fire investigator was unable to help me, even though he had a truck himself. Unable or unwilling, not sure.

I am told then, that there is a security guard coming on at 6pm who will be there through the night, and that I can gain access to my things with the key he has to the lock. My things will be behind Gate A (where the fire was) and I have to take them from behind Gate A, to the front of the building, then through Gate B (the electronic gate) to the back and the new storage unit. I am assured through Tiffany (the public storage girl) that this won't be a problem and I'll still be able to leave on time, as planned.

I phone Billy, almost shaking with starvation and frustration, because I just left my things outside behind a gate and would have to go back after dark to retrieve them. Billy tells me not to worry, to eat my cheeseburger and he would meet me in the parking lot at Demonbreun with his friend for extra hands.

I inhale the burger and sweet tea, then see Billy and a big smile came across my face... We all go down, caravan style to the storage unit, and talk to the security guy, John, who was really very friendly. He speaks to Tiffany on my phone, who tells him it's ok for me to have access, and when he tries the key... it doesn't fit.

That's right. He didn't have the key to the lock to Gate A. Oh, but it gets better. We were able to hoist 3 boxes over the gate, and we have three boxes on the open side of the street, and figure we can at least get those while he's talking with Tiffany again. We were on a timeframe that didn't leave much time for ineptitude on Public Storage's part. We go over to Gate B, and find that the power grid was shut off. Yeah, no power to Gate B. NO ACCESS to the other units.

This is where Billy kept me from going postal.

I laugh, finally, and say, that if this was God's way of trying to keep me in town one more night, it sure was a pretty clear message. We all laugh, and the guard assures me that he will be there all night and until 9am when the Public Storage lady gets there, so he tells me that my remaining things will be safe. We take the 3 boxes and put them into Billy's truck.

I tell the boys that I'm going to make the arrangements with my sitter, and then meet them at Billy's show at Tin Roof, since I now had a whole evening again.

*** I want to make so many additions to this, but I'm going to post it as a part one, and come back and edit it when I have a chance. I want to make sure that this gets posted... oh, and just so everyone knows... I am so blessed! ***

The Tale of the First Generation Furby...

2008-11-11T20:10:00.000-08:00

I can't even recall the year, though I'm guessing it was about 10 years ago... Furby was introduced to the world, and it was a HUGE hit when it came to every parent wanting this thing for their kids. Prices went sky high, demand was out of this world...

So, I got my hands on one. For $99, from eToys.com (now defunct, I think). I caught so much shit for buying it from F, Sr. But I bought it anyway, and for years whenever we moved, it was still in its eToys.com box, just being the good little stowaway moneymaker I assumed it would be.

I go to Nashville, and clear out my storage unit, assuming that I'm going to not have any of my things left... and tada... look what I see:

The darn Furby, first generation, still in the original packaging survived the FIRE! I took a picture merely with the intent of sending this to F, Sr. and joking that it was still a hot commodity....

Fast forward to today. I've emptied most of the car out (except for some last minute things) and the Furby was residing in the basement. All the kids had seen it, and I told them that it was something special to me and to not touch it.

That's like telling a kid to please not touch any of the candy at Halloween, apparently.

So... I had to go to Walmart today to pay a bill and pick up some quick essentials. I had the neighborhood kids in and out all day, so I asked my neighbor's daughter if she minded sitting with the crew while I ran out real quick. No problem.

I walk back into the house, and she and her friend were on the front porch, so they left before I walked in... and M, my five year old imp, comes toward me saying, "Mom! Look what I have!", holding none other than that precious Furby in her hand, OUT of the box.

When I flip out, yes, I flipped out. I find out that she had an accomplice in this... J, my NINE year old, CUT the box open for her.... I see the box destroyed on the dining room table.

I lined up all three here:

So, the tale of the First Generation Furby goes like this... It was able to survive the trek from eToys.com warehouse to my first apartment, then my second, then my first house, then my second house, then my condo in Nashville, then to my storage unit, managed to survive a fire in the storage unit, rode home with me from TN to PA, then landed in my basement... and finally, met its match with my five year old daughter.

The furby was able to survive a fire, but unable to survive.... my children.

Sigh. There goes the profit on that one. We just can't have nice things!

Jesus just called...from Nashville.

2008-11-06T21:29:00.000-08:00

Well, not really... but it is time for an update. I was just debriefing a friend on my extra-ordinary experiences in Nashville, and well... my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. I picked it up, but whomever it was hung up. So, I called back, thinking it must be my phone reception.

It rang once, got picked up, and I said hello... but got no answer. I heard some typing, some keypad hitting and then a guy say "Aw, Come On..." and then... "Jesus"... and then click, the phone hung up.

So, "Aw, Come On Jesus" called me.

I'll update about my trip in another blog, probably tomorrow. It's getting late tonight and I'm going to just get in bed since I'm getting heavenly phone calls.

G'Night!

Crazy Dreams...

2008-11-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

I've had some seriously graphic dreams lately.

I should preface this with explaining that dreaming for me has always been one of those ways that I'm most open to getting messages that are important for me.

Sometimes I just dream, and I know it's a dream. Other times it's more than just a dream. It's clearer, like dreaming in color and vivid memories plus vivid experiences that also include a physical feeling that sometimes lingers after I wake, and then what's makes me understand it's more than just a dream- is that I remember the dream in painstaking detail and can almost call it to mind when I think about it, like hitting a play button for important parts to remember.

In the past few months, I haven't had a lot of them. I've kind of not wanted any for a while because sometimes they freak me out. But they've picked up lately, and I'm not sure why.

So, the first one that was disturbing was a scene where I was driving down the road here in my town on my way home one night. It was winter, cold but not snowy. I specifically remember the roads being a little slick, like black ice... that it was something where I was driving carefully because I knew it was cold and icy. The road splits into a one way as you approach town off the exit, and drive through Dupont. After the split, but before the turn to get to the bypass, I saw a SUV flipped and toward the left side of the road near a two story white squareish building. Other cars had stopped around it. The SUV rear passenger door was open and I could see an adult man's figure suspended by the seatbelt, wearing a collared shirt, I remember stripes and I think blue and yellow from the distance I was seeing it. The man's figure was limp. I didn't see blood, just the body awkwardly positioned from the crash. I think there were other people still in the car, but they didn't have detail associated with them. As I slowed down to pull past the accident so that I could stop to call the police and check on the people, as I was passing the cars involved - I was in the right lane, I felt the car slip a little on a patch of ice and the tail end of my car skidded a little to the right. I regained control, nearly sideswiping a parked car. Possibly tapping it... and pulled forward. I pulled off to the side of the road and put my hazards on. There were other people around. I had my window rolled down and as I was getting ready to get out of my car, this woman came toward me and said "he's dead". I didn't know who HE was, just that she said he was dead. She looked distraught and pretty shocked. As she walked on, past me, I could see that there were police cars and ambulances coming. I knew I didn't have to be there any more, because I hadn't been a witness to the accident itself, so I pulled further forward and turned right onto the road that I normally take to come home, towards the bypass.

I woke up shortly afterwards, then fell back asleep till morning with no more dreams.

The second one I had was a few days later, less local based, more based on spirits... It was two spirits, fighting against each other... I don't know how it was done, but they were clearly in battle. One was a dark grey but I can't describe it as a human figure, it was smaller- no arms or legs, or real shape. The eyes ranged from yellow to red, depending on the intensity. I did not feel like this one was a good spirit. The second was a smaller shape lighter tan with eyes that were non descript. They were there, but weren't penetrating. They were just there. This one was smaller and initially looked like it was being beat up on, but it was inflicting some serious whoop ass on the darker one. At one point, the darker one realized I was watching, and glared at me.

I woke up with my heart racing, and the first thing I did was say my protection prayer that I learned a long, long time ago, and I spent the next fifteen minutes in prayer spreading protection all around the house and property and internally, until I felt full of peace, and fell back into a sound sleep till my alarm went off.

So, it has been a really weird last several nights. Thankfully last night was a sound and peaceful sleep.

I just wanted to document both dreams somewhere...

Public Storage Unit Pictures

2008-10-28T14:26:00.000-07:00

I'm just praying that my unit, which is the second floor on the right half of the banner wasn't too badly affected, but it's not looking too good from this photo.

Thank you to my friend Chris for stopping by and talking to the police officer for me, as well as taking these pictures.

I have to consider some of the information I've gotten and don't know when I'll be able to have access, but will check on my stuff when I can.

Sigh... I just hope and pray I can salvage something... at least the kids pics, etc...

The Pursuit of a Life With No Regrets...

Ya Know...It's the little things...

Spring Cleaning & Poetry/Book News

Photo two.

Kaitlyn's johnny Appleseed guy

Ronnie Milsap - Are You Lovin' Me Like I'm Lovin' You

What the hell am I doing?

I got nothin'

IMG00932-20110222-1943.jpg

I'm In Love With You, Joy Williams

Creative Escape

Painting again...

All's Well that Ends Well...

I'm going to have to think about it.

This makes me smile.

You'll Never Know

To Make You Feel My Love...

Little Life Lesson

Artwork

Odd dream/spiritual experience.

Brown Eyed Girl Olive Oil Soaps from Lady Luna Luxuries!

Mobile Blogging Test.

Whatcha got to lose?

Back from the gym

Even Online Shopping Gets Me Down

A Fifty Day Challenge

What the hell...

Maybe a little too honest?

Moments of Uncontrollable Emotion

Love. Live & Learn.

With a little help from our friends...

Happy New Year!

Thoughts and Such.

Winter Solstice Reading... Hm.

The Fool

Judgement

Nine of Swords

Four of Swords

Sibyl of Wands

Ten of Swords

Seer of Wands

The High Priestess

Two of Swords

Seer of Pentacles

A new one...

Sage of Swords

Nine of Pentacles

Seeker of Wands

Seeker of Pentacles

Eight of Cups

The Lovers

The Star

Seer of Cups

Six of Pentacles

Seer of Pentacles

Tarot Reading...on this full moon night...

Seven of Cups

Strength

Nine of Cups

Ace of Wands

Nine of Wands

The Empress

Five of Wands

Ten of Cups

Five of Swords

Two of Pentacles

I'm so blessed.

Veteran's Day

Cool song found on an old LP...

Night Visions Between Worlds

Fly Me To The Moon...

It's been a while.

random poetry

Art Stuff.

Having a tough day...

Random Thoughts on Life and Love...

Lyrics worth posting.... the theme of my life at the moment...

Moving....

Happy.

The New Diet...